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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a red flag, or am I thinking too much? Answers on a postcard please! ;)

32 replies

passthewineplz · 17/08/2016 17:10

Ok, so I've been chatting to a guy from OLD for a few weeks (think it's around 3-4 weeks since we've been texting one another).

He has custody of his DS, and says that he is in the process of moving from his DM to his own home, and says that he split up from his ex about a year ago to move in with relatives and since splitting up with the ex he now lives with his DS.

He has also mentioned that he is currently not working, as he has been having some tests at the hospital. I totally understand, as I've had a few health issues going on over the last few years, so the fact he's not working at the moment and could have some health issues doesn't really bother me.

I'm a bit bored of the messaging one another day and night, and have suggested a few times that we meet up, however I can't seem to get him to commit to a specific day. When I mention it he says he'll have to see when he's free.

Ok, I understand that moving home is stressful, I also understand that he'll need to arrange childcare and is probably also stressed with having tests at the hospital.

What I can't make my mind up with is this a red flag and I should run for the hills because he won't commit to meeting up, or should I pursue things a bit longer.

Today I have had a bit of progress with meeting up, he said he wanted to give me his full attention and didn't want to commit to a day as he doesn't want to let me down incase something crops up with his son or the house. So I've suggested we meet up during the day as it might be easier for childcare, which he's agreed to and will let me know the day when he's arranged childcare.

So wise mn'ers, is this a major red flag, or am i thinking too much about things and need to go with the flow? 🤔

Hate OLD! It sucks arse! Lol!

OP posts:
ThinkingForever · 17/08/2016 17:11

Have you talked on the phone?

Monochromecat · 17/08/2016 17:11

Oh dear... Major red flag. Sorry...

Original poster
passthewineplz · 17/08/2016 17:17

No not talked on the phone, I'd rather text.

Yep thought it might be a red flag! Just couldmt decide if it's because he's got a lot on at the moment.

OP posts:
Usedandabusedww · 17/08/2016 17:18

Or he is still with ex and wants a bit of attention on the side but hasn't got the balls to go further than texting

Original poster
passthewineplz · 17/08/2016 17:22

Possibly used he's deleted his OLD profile, so guess he could have a partner.

I hate this shit! 😡

OP posts:
Usedandabusedww · 17/08/2016 17:27

People can be sneaky sometimes
Hope your ok and meet a decent one soon.

GodImbored · 17/08/2016 17:28

I wouldn't bother myself. What a complete waste of time texting day and night but not meeting up. He just wants a text pal.

If it's not the right time for him to meet someone he should be honest with you.

Teaandcakeat8 · 17/08/2016 17:28

There are loads of men like this online - they like messaging but for one reason or another won't meet up. It's risky - before you know it you're creating a 'relationship' and giving far too much thought to someone you've never even met!

My philosophy with OLD is to meet asap, otherwise I think it's a waste of time. If they refuse? Move on.

JellyBean31 · 17/08/2016 17:40

I read this on another thread and liked it: if he's shows no enthusiasm for meeting you, walk away

Original poster
passthewineplz · 17/08/2016 17:44

Thanks for the advice everyone 😀

Think I need to give my red flag radar a polish! Bloody men! 😭

OP posts:
BlueFolly · 17/08/2016 17:45

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag, but I definitely wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone who I had to chase all the way to the coffee shop. He's a time waster. Likes the idea of a relationship, but deep down knows he is not ready for one. Or married.

Original poster
passthewineplz · 17/08/2016 17:57

I think you're probably right blue, I don't want to do the chasing. I want to be wined, dined and treated properly.

Like someone said earlier, all the texting has created a mini relationship and I'm wasting my time

OP posts:
thestamp · 17/08/2016 17:59

What teacake said. Red bunting all over this one OP. Time waster and probably cheating on his OH.

LesisMiserable · 17/08/2016 18:22

Why do you prefer text? And not a red flag in that there's anything wrong with him, just he sounds like he's going through major life stuff at the minute and probably getting by with texting you as a distraction but not feeling like he can be bothered putting in the effort to actually meet. Which brings me back to why text instead of chat? Because if you cant pick up the phone and speak to him then maybe that's where his hesitation is stemming from to take it further.

GodImbored · 17/08/2016 18:31

It's a good idea to speak on the phone early on before you meet anyway. I have been put off several guys doing that first and then haven't bothered wasting time meeting up.

Original poster
passthewineplz · 17/08/2016 18:34

Oh, I hadn't thought about the not talking thing.

There's a few things why I prefer texting... main thing is I say REALLY stupid stuff when I'm nervous, and I hate the sound of my own voice - I sound like a small child! Lol!

OP posts:
Original poster
passthewineplz · 17/08/2016 18:36

Oh, and I was texting guy a few months back, we spoke on the phone for well over an hour, and I've never heard a thing from him since! Hmm

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 17/08/2016 18:38

I think most people would feel the same talking to someone they'd never met for the first time on the phone - I met my DP OLD and we texted for maybe two weeks quite a lot then he asked if he could phone me. I was ridiculously nervous! Serious butterflies!! We talked for around two hours and I spouted some ridiculously garbled crap in places but it'll will be two years together in a couple of months so all worked out :-) (also we met after about a month of texting and prob two phone calls)

Original poster
passthewineplz · 17/08/2016 18:40

Glad it worked out les does he have any single friends? Lol! 😊

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 17/08/2016 18:43

Sadly not - you're not the first that's asked ha!! I think the key at the start if I'm really honest is put your red flag detector away and just go with it and let people be imperfect without condemning them.

Best advice I can give is stop thinking about the long term projections of what could be, this isn't your career or life plan its dating and supposed to be fun. If it's stops being fun, stop dating that person and move on but be brave, pick up the phone, chat s**t and laugh it off if nothing comes of it.

Minime85 · 17/08/2016 18:51

Sorry but yeah unless amazingly shy I think he is stalling for whatever reason. I would set a time and place for coffee and if he says no I'd walk away

Hissy · 17/08/2016 19:06

You've offered to meet. He's dodged it. Multiple times.

If he wants to see you, he'd make it happen.

Just stop wasting your time.

Dozer · 17/08/2016 19:12

Time waster

sooperdooper · 17/08/2016 19:17

When I did old I came to the conclusion if a bloke didn't want to meet/didn't have time to meet they either haven't got time for an actual relationship or for whatever reason they don't want one - forget about him!

anyname123 · 17/08/2016 19:20

Red flag. Majorly. If you want to you could say "ok, ball's in your court, I don't want a pen pal, let me know when you're free to meet until then take care". Alternatively (and my preferred option), would be to block and move on. OLD can be a major wanker at times