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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why would boyfriend say Exs name?

35 replies

Whatisthepoint227 · 13/08/2016 16:48

He has been split with her for a year but when he is drunk he talks about her.
First time was at Christmas after they had been split 4 months.
He said "Kelly looks like Megan fox in her Facebook pic"
Then started talking a bit about her.
I asked him sober and he got angry and said "don't ever say her name to me"
Then since when he is drunk he starts mentioning her..I'm getting annoyed.
Why is he doing it?
Why when drunk?
Maybe doesn't know what he is saying?

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 13/08/2016 16:51

He sounds still hung up on her to me

Sugarlightly · 13/08/2016 16:51

He's doing it because he is thinking about her.

isthistoonosy · 13/08/2016 16:51

He isn't over her. How long have you been together and how long were they together? Do you know why they split?

Original poster

Whatisthepoint227 · 13/08/2016 16:55

From what I know through mutal friends they weren't together long but he had carried a torch for her for years then something happened and it ended (think he was to blame) but the details I'm not sure and he won't talk about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatisthepoint227 · 13/08/2016 16:56

Don't want to ask either to plant the seed.
She isn't on his Facebook so he must of either searched for her or seen her on a mutual friends Facebook.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatisthepoint227 · 13/08/2016 17:11

Have I got anything to worry About?

OP posts:

suspiciousofgoldfish · 13/08/2016 17:20

Yes I'm sorry, I think you do.

Four months isn't very long after a break up, he obviously still thinks about her. Have you been with him long?

I don't think I would bother if I were you. It will always be at the back of your mind.

HappyJanuary · 13/08/2016 17:22

I also think it sounds like he is still hung up on her.

Without knowing the circumstances of their split I can't say whether you need to worry about him getting back with her, but surely you'd rather not be with someone who wishes he was with someone else?

I don't like the sound of him getting annoyed when you ask about it either. He should be reassuring you. You deserve better.

Original poster

Whatisthepoint227 · 13/08/2016 17:25

We got together last year now.
I don't like how annoyed he got either,why would you react like that if you weren't bothered?
I don't even think about my ex.
The only time I've ever thought of a ex when drunk was when I still had feelings for him.
That's what bugs me

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 13/08/2016 17:29

You may need to cut your losses. No matter how nice you both are he is still carrying some feelings for her. And he is also in the wrong to be angry with you... he shows you no respect and is, basically, lying to himself, and to you, about his feelings.

So tell him: This is over, you aren't in any position to be honest with yourself, let alone me. I deserve better, Goodbye!

And believe every word of it!!

Original poster

Whatisthepoint227 · 13/08/2016 18:27

I just keep saying they've been over a year so maybe I'm over reacting.
What difference does a name actually mean.
I don't want to be hasty but then I don't want to live a lie.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatisthepoint227 · 13/08/2016 18:28

Thinking not saying

OP posts:

Pearlman · 13/08/2016 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Whatisthepoint227 · 13/08/2016 18:36

I've tried but he just tells me he doesn't want to talk about her,and she doesn't exsist to him.
Maybe he's trying to kid himself ..I don't know

OP posts:

Pearlman · 13/08/2016 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 13/08/2016 18:53

I have a female friend who, when drunk one night FIVE YEARS after her divorce kept talking about her ex to me. She was the one who initiated the split because he wanted children and she didn't. She'd had one long term boyfriend in the interim and dated a few others.

Original poster

Whatisthepoint227 · 13/08/2016 18:55

Is it not possible that he was just randomly thinking of her and that never meant anything?
I do love him and if he still had feelings for a ex I would be pretty devastated

OP posts:

bluebeck · 13/08/2016 20:56

TBH I would be more worried about the fact that when you try to discuss something with him that is worrying you, he effectively tells you to shut up.

I don't want to sound patronising but how old are you OP? It all sounds very immature - "she doesn't exist to him."

Original poster

Whatisthepoint227 · 13/08/2016 21:00

We can discuss anything it's just when I mentioned her he became angry and defensive.
I'm 26,he is 33.
He said "she doesn't exsist to me" wether that was bull I don't have a clue.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatisthepoint227 · 13/08/2016 21:01

Exist

OP posts:

sykadelic · 13/08/2016 22:40

It means he finds talking about her upsetting. Whether it makes him angry or sad, he's still having a strong emotional reaction to just her name.

Someone talks about your ex, how do you respond? If it's still fresh you act angry, you say you don't want to talk about him. Little things remind you of them. It doesn't necessarily mean you're still carrying a torch but you certainly haven't had closure and shouldn't be in another relationship right now.

Only if he were truly over her (again, not necessarily that he still loves her just that she's occupying his thoughts still) would he be able to say something more neutral, whether it is react with less anger or truly seem confused when you mention her name.

Also, no I'm sorry but "we can discuss anything" is a lie. You haven't discussed what he says while drunk, you haven't discussed his rude dismissal of your query. It's likely there's a bunch of other stuff you can't talk about either.

No I don't think he's truly over either her or their break-up. That's not really relevant unless he still loves her but as he mentions her while drunk and talks about her photos etc, it's more likely that he misses her and isn't over her.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2016 23:03

He's still hung up on her.

He carried a torch for ages and then it looks like messed things up and hates being reminded of it whenever her name comes up.

Joysmum · 14/08/2016 07:42

I don't think it necessarily means he's still hung up on her in tgat he still loves her, more that he's still immensely hurt by her and the not wanting to talk about her or acknowledge he existence would go towards that.

I therefore don't think you have anything to worry about in terms of being second best etc but I don't think he's in a healthy place just yet so that's a worry. He needs to be able to talk.

newname99 · 14/08/2016 07:59

So when he's drunk he talks about her but when sober you can't discuss it or else he's angry with you! It doesn't sound good.

Whilst he doesn't need to tell you it's healthier if he can as otherwise he's not completely emotional available to you.

Please don't tolerate a man getting angry with you when you raise a very valid question or behaviour.Would you treat him like this? Don't settle for less than you give.

Creampastry · 14/08/2016 08:15

I think you are both kidding yourselves ..... Move on

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