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Original poster

saw friend's husband on tinder WWYD

47 replies

tindertrouble · 05/08/2016 17:32

nc for this.
Am single and on tinder, just saw friend's h Sad It is the second friend's dh I've seen on it. The first, I wasn't sure if they could be in an open marriage or she might know, and decided not to tell.
This one is a dearer longstanding friend although we live a distance apart and I don't see her that often. We text a lot and I consider her to be a good friend we go back a long way.
She's been married a long time 15 yrs plus. No dcs.
I don't know what to do. I wish I could unsee it.
I don't know if she'd want to know. I was cheated on and am quite glad I found out in my own time iyswim. Also, I know some people just go on tinder for a nosey and don't meet anyone off it. Is it seen as 'less bad' than a dating website? maybe. Really don;t know what to do (or whether to do nothing)

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/08/2016 17:35

Maybe tell the men you've seen them?
Are they so stupid that they think no friends of their wives will see them?
Even their wives could pop in should they suspect.

Original poster
tindertrouble · 05/08/2016 17:39

Thanks Lweji - I did think about maybe telling him but wondered if that could create more trouble iyswim. Have known her far longer than I've know him and don't know him that well, so it'd be sending him a fb message which I'm not keen on I think

OP posts:
Original poster
tindertrouble · 05/08/2016 17:39

btw yes I agree. It never ceases to amaze me why people would do it.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/08/2016 17:40

I don't know anyone who goes on Tinder with the intent to just look. They may chicken out and end up just looking, but the people on there joined to look for relationships or sex, for the most part. Especially people in relationships or long marriages.

I'd want to know, I think.

candyflossdreams · 05/08/2016 17:40

tell your friend. I speak as someone who yesterday discovered my H of 19 years has been joining dating sites for several years. I wish someone had known and told me sooner Sad

ShatnersBassoon · 05/08/2016 17:41

Tell her you've seen him on Tinder. She might know, if he did go on there just for a nosy.

I don't know what Tinder is by the way, so I have no idea how incriminating it is. I'd have guessed it was a dating site, but seemingly not.

Original poster
tindertrouble · 05/08/2016 17:44

shatners some people use it for dating some are looking for 'hookups' How successful anyone is (at either) is another matter. Some people must go on to nosey around. I;ve seen a number of people I know on there, two men with gfs but I don't know the gfs.
Would those of you who say tell rather find out by text/email/phone call/face to face?

OP posts:
Original poster
tindertrouble · 05/08/2016 17:45

candyflossdreams Flowers

OP posts:
StartWhereYouStand · 05/08/2016 17:52

I had exactly the same thing happen.Sad wished I could unsee it too.

After lots of thought I texted my friend saying something like 'something weird just happened I saw your H on my tinder feed - has someone hacked his Facebook picture?'

That way I made it look like some weird technical 'mistake' as opposed to him looking for a hook up Hmm

She said that seemed worrying and she would check - then I just left the ball in her court. I didn't hear anything else so don't know what happened (we don't see each other very often) but at least I thought if there ever was any other evidence or she had a gut feeling then maybe this might just make her think a bit.

I was cheated on too and knowing that others knew and kept quiet just added insult to injury when the truth came out.

I do find it hard now if I ever see her H as my gut feeling is that it is suspicious - it is impossible to 'accidentally' join tinder as it links to Facebook and no one just joins tinder to find a pen pal!!

Lweji · 05/08/2016 17:55

If I was going to tell my friend I wouldn't do it personally, I don't think.
By email or text we can't see their reaction and they have time to compose themselves. Nor an immediate reply is required. I think it's less embarassing for them.

Lules · 05/08/2016 17:56

A lot of my friends have it on their phones because they've 'played' it as a group on nights out, (that sounds weirder than it is) so it might be innocent

Dutchcourage · 05/08/2016 17:58

Tell her. Fuck him.

SandyY2K · 05/08/2016 18:00

Take a screenshot of it and send it to her (via a fake email address), with a message saying, I thought you should know your husband is on a dating website.

If you tell her directly, you will open yourself up to a load of drama.

Like him accusing you of being jealous etc or even that you've made a move on him. You'd be suprised what women believe when they can't face the truth.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 05/08/2016 18:06

It could be innocent. I've considered going on Tinder for a nosey around (I find it fascinating), but as a married person I certainly wouldn't do it without first telling my DH and then deleting it once I'd had a good gander. I certainly wouldn't stick around long enough for anyone to contact me and I wouldn't put my real details on there in case anyone I knew saw and thought I was genuinely looking. So realistically, this is in all likelihood not at all innocent.

I'd tell her because I'd want to know myself, but only you can decide whether or not this is something you can do.

magicboy79 · 05/08/2016 18:07

You are always going to be the bad guy here but do the right thing and tell her. She might already know or he might have an innocent story. If it was your husband you would want to know, right?

Ineversaid16 · 05/08/2016 18:12

I not sure you should say anything unless it's a best friend and you know they are not in a open relationship. Could just embarrass them if they are.

Original poster
tindertrouble · 05/08/2016 18:34

Thanks for the comments so far. I honestly don't know if I would want to know or not if it was my husband, it's been so long since I was married. If he was definitely cheating then yes. On tinder? not sure. Probably.
Would everyone say yes they would want to know then.
lweji I was thinking the same that I'd rather a text or email than in person.
sandyy2k I thought the same that he could accuse me of fancying him, if I message him directly especially. You do worry about that sort of thing when you're divorced, or seeming like because you've got divorced you want other people to. I wouldn't send it anonymously though - I wouldn't like that and she would want to know who it was from.

OP posts:
LobsterQuadrille · 05/08/2016 18:58

Hi OP, I had a really similar thread on AIBU about a week ago - it was POF not Tinder, and the friend's partner had actually sent me a message. I replied, using his real name (we have never met in person) and saying that I was a good friend of his partner. Anyway he blocked me and deleted his profile so no proof exists. I was supposed to meet my friend the next day and I cowardly cancelled - met her this week and I just couldn't tell her for various awful reasons. I had planned to do so but some of what she told me made me think "oh God, no - I just can't do it" and hoped that because I'd warned him, he would lie low.

I know this sounds like a cop-out and I can't give any more detail in case it's outing.

loveyoutothemoon · 07/08/2016 11:35

Face to face.

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 11:41

I would take a screenshot of the Tinder profile.
I wouldn't say a thing to the man (that's just giving him the opportunity to cover his tracks).
I would most definitely tell my friend and send/show her the screenshot.
I wouldn't necessarily expect her to be grateful to begin with and would offer her space and support, whichever she needed.

loveyoutothemoon · 07/08/2016 11:43

What Another says

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2016 13:37

I think it's worse than an affair, actually. It's quite easy to see how an affair can happen between people who already know each other, but this man is putting himself out there to meet someone either for casual sex or for a longer term affair.

She needs to know and yes, she might shoot the messenger, but what would she prefer?

If I were you I'd send it by email at a time when you think she'll be on her own, to give her time to process it.

ChristinaParsons · 07/08/2016 19:08

I got an anonymous text message telling me my husband was playing away. I had had a gut feeling for a while. It was One of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.

RaeSkywalker · 07/08/2016 19:11

I'd want to know if it was my DH! Screen shot it, and text it to her. I like the idea up thread about posing it as "has his Facebook been hacked?"

ZBWRDSM · 07/08/2016 23:20

I'd send a link to the profile to his wife from a one-time anonymous email address set up for that purpose.

she has direct proof and evidence. you've done your moral duty without compromising any relationships with anyone.