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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married - how to get over massive crush?

33 replies

SuperConfuser · 20/07/2016 18:38

Bit desperate and wondered if anyone has any advice.

I've been married for 10 years and have absolutely no intention of acting on it but I've developed a ridiculous crush on someone I see occasionally (think professional you'd have an appointment with). As I say, no chance of anything happening but it's really interfering with my life.

It's really quite ridiculous to be mooning around over this guy but I can't seem to shake it. It's very out of character and has not happened since I've been with DH. I don't know what to do. I wondered if anyone has experienced similar and/or has any practical advise for pulling my head out of my arse!

OP posts:
MummyBex1985 · 20/07/2016 22:12

Similar situation. All I've come up with so far is stay the hell away and don't let yourself think about it.

Helpful, I know! Are there any deeper issues? I always thought I was happy with DH but it's made me question things. Not that I want to act on it - I really actually don't. But it can't be normal can it?

Original poster
SuperConfuser · 20/07/2016 22:40

Will be able to stay away after a couple more appointments so guess I'll have to ride that out.

We've had our fair share of issues but I thought we'd worked through them. Now I'm wondering as I do seem to have some resentment about a lot of things that Would probably be good to deal with. Nice to know I'm not alone though.

OP posts:
YellowPineapple · 20/07/2016 22:52

Same here. It has messed my head up so much with obsessively thinking about OM. It's beyond ridiculous.

We were colleagues, got friendly, I fell for him. No longer work together and I (without actually telling him my intentions) cut contact. It's been months since I've spoken to him and months before that since I last seen him and I still can't shake it.

Also married 10 years and this is a first for me. Sorry I've not got any helpful advice but just to let you know you're not alone.

FlattenedWhite · 20/07/2016 22:55

Don't get dramatic about it. A crush doesn't necessarily indicate some fatal flaw in your marriage, they're not wildly unusual, and they go away by themselves eventually. Don't panic.

Original poster
SuperConfuser · 20/07/2016 23:01

That's good advice but I'm terrible at that kind of acceptance. My gut reaction is "how do I stop this now". I certainly hope it doesn't go on for months!

OP posts:
SlowJinn · 20/07/2016 23:01

When this happened to me - and I bet a lot of people are affected by this sort of unrequited love - is that I deliberately turned my crush into someone completely unattainable, a famous figure, someone I would never meet on the school run. I still hankered after the real person but my sensible brain substituted Mr Actor for Mr Workmate and I got over it. Eventually.

Greenandmighty · 20/07/2016 23:06

I agree with Flattened: this all sounds quite normal behaviour. It's tough at times being in a long term relationship. We're bound to fancy other people from time to time. It's just a question of not acting upon those urges (easier said than done) so best to avoid OM. Keep calm and carry on....

Original poster
SuperConfuser · 20/07/2016 23:14

Glad to hear it's so common. Must just have been lucky so far. As a freelancer/work-from-homer I have a lot of opportunity to think about it so might try the famous person trick. And try not to be a cow until it passes.

OP posts:
FlattenedWhite · 20/07/2016 23:14

It would be a lot easier if people stopped thinking that it's some kind of 'Nellie, I AM Heathcliff!' moment. Grin. Seriously, it's an ordinary enough predicament. As Green said, we all fancy other people from time to time. You don't have to do anything in particular about it, or self-flagellate with nettles in a cold bath or anything - it'll pass by itself.

Summerlovinf · 20/07/2016 23:17

I find its better not to try to suppress the feelings. Let yourself think about the person and it will pass. Once they are no longer the forbidden fruit they become a lot more ordinary

Original poster
SuperConfuser · 20/07/2016 23:18

I hear you - just such an alien set of feelings. But I did note that we have the start of a fine nettle patch beginning so I won't weed spray it just in case Grin

OP posts:
YellowPineapple · 20/07/2016 23:21

Grin Save some for me SuperConfuser!

FlattenedWhite · 20/07/2016 23:22

Spray the nettles and imagine him having a crap and clipping his toenails or something.

Lunar1 · 20/07/2016 23:25

I get this every 6 months after I see my dentist! I've told my dh I may run off with him, obviously not seriously. Crushes are completely normal even in perfectly healthy relationships. Don't overthink it.

Original poster
SuperConfuser · 20/07/2016 23:27

Someone definitely needs to produce a guided meditation on crush objects doing disgusting things.

OP posts:
Eeeek686 · 20/07/2016 23:29

I'm not married but been with my Dp 6-7yrs now - we have two littlies - and I've had a couple of small crushes in that time that could easily have gotten out of hand (I'm a sahm so plenty of mental time on hands!) but I've thankfully absolutely No desire to follow through on anything.... what I've found helps if you feel it getting a bit like it could turn real is reminding yourself that odds are Mr Marvellous is just as likely to turn out to as much a douche bag as your Dp just in different (or the same!) ways so you're waaaay better off sticking with the known douche bag.... better the D-bag you know! Grin

I'm bloody old experienced enough to know it's just a dodgey combo of a boredom/dissatisfaction/irritation, and it always passes.... the grass is Always greener!!

sparklyDMs · 20/07/2016 23:33

It happened to me before- sit tight and it'll pass.
Giggled at self flagellating with nettles Flattened Grin

ToastedOrFresh · 20/07/2016 23:46

Yup, crushes have a tendency to be in their own bubble. I told myself I was no more than a puppet master assuming that my fantasy about my crush would go my way.

I also second imagining having a shit scratching his balls whilst watching t.v. Or him bringing home a take away for himself when you've prepared a meal for you both because he just fancied a take away meal.

I can also relate to the pp who told herself her 'crush' was like mooning over an actor or rock singer. I caught myself doing, 'hero worship' on my crush and asking myself, 'have you any idea how pathetic what you look like ?'

I imagined the look on his face if I ever told him how I felt......Shock and Blush.

I also told myself, what if he came over to our house and wouldn't go and wouldn't go and wouldn't go because he wanted to be there when my husband got home as he believed we had some explaining to do.

I also didn't want to get entangled with his chavvy children and scary chav ex-wife. He was a parent just before he was legally an adult and a grandparent before he was 40. Stay classy.....

Rowanhart · 20/07/2016 23:57

This happened to me recently at a conference. Met a bloke, developed massive crush as was v clever and funny. Was long way away from DH and was starting to get a bit drunk and thought he might be flirting on last night so took myself firmly home to bed.

Then day after conference he sent me a message on Twitter saying he had a crush on me and was wondering whether he should have acted on it.

I am very pleased he lives in Australia so I'm never likely to see him again as I never in a million years-have never ever considered cheating on DH (we're approaching 10 yr mark too) and risking our lives.

But a question. If I message him back, even just friendly chat, do you think it would stray into EA territory. It does, doesn't it....

FlattenedWhite · 21/07/2016 00:00

Tbh, Rowan, I'd be more than slightly put off by the presumptuousness of someone who told me he had a crush on me and was 'wondering whether he should have acted on it'. I notice he didn't do anything like ask whether you reciprocated his feelings, or note that you're married? No, all about him.

Leave it. If it helps, imagine him as incredibly self-entitled and believing that you are gagging for his attentions.

Rowanhart · 21/07/2016 00:04

He is very certain of his own funniness and cleverness TBH so think you're probably right! Ha.

I think I was a straying into drunken flirt territory, hence the going home quickly. So could be he just read the signs.

Anyway leaving it is absolutely what I intend to do.

Original poster
SuperConfuser · 21/07/2016 00:08

Leave it and block definitely. Social media is an interesting modern challenge in this respect - in the past you'd have left and that would have been that. And I wouldn't have to stop myself looking at crush's Instagram.

OP posts:
SecretPrivateThings · 23/07/2016 16:29

Hi OP, I had a very similar thing with a work colleague and actually had a thread a while back under a different name. Married for years, first time this has happened to me. I am still struggling but what helped me after advice on here was to try to reframe it and, as others have said, realise that crushes are normal! I also got told to give myself a proper talking to and to be a bit more sensible which is what I needed to hear. Think I'd convinced myslef this never happens in a happy relationship which just isn't true. Am hoping I can ride it out and wait for the feelings to be a bit more manageable I dreamt about them last night

Hermagsjesty · 23/07/2016 21:36

So glad I've found this thread - as it's made me feel reassuringly normal! In the throes of a very intense crush (again 10yrs married, 2 young kids, crush developed through work where I get to be a different me to the one who's permanently stressed/ tired/ cleaning up after other people)

AddToBasket · 23/07/2016 21:43

Another one who thinks this is normal. Obviously, the danger is when it is reciprocated. Then you have to deal with it differently.

But if it is just mooning about - do it. You're wasting your own time but so what? Grin

Occasionally I get mad crushes, utterly insane. The last really crazy one was the lead from that tv show Outlander. I binged watched a series and fell in lust with him. MUCH time wasted. (He was going to take me on a weekend to Salzburg, he knows how to buy flowers, he is excellent at making breakfast, amongst others talents.) My hormones were altered by a box set.

Then I got back into the Unbreakable Kimmie and totally forgot him.

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