Is this a red flag?

[knockingonheavensdoor]

I've been chatting to someone on tinder for a few days now. I really like him and there's talk of us meeting up.

Now, I've searched for on Google, as you do, and he isn't famous but he has a job where he is well respected and well known within his field so loads came up on him. I discovered he is a former alcoholic who had also been banned from driving for drink driving/driving without insurance etc. This was going back 5 years or so. I know we all have our demons but would this be a red flag to you? I think my radar is kind of out of whack after years of abuse so looking for a bit of guidance really!

How do you know he is a former alcoholic ?

Having lived with one I wouldn't meet up .

It was on Google. Reported after he was caught for drink driving.

Some people have pasts that they're not particularly proud of; some even change because of them.

Quite frankly, I think checking up on someone's background is a red flag for me.

MsStricty isn't that just common sense these days. I thought everyone did it?

It's perfectly fine to google someone's name!

I would carry on chatting/meeting up but keep the information in mind. Although I certainly wouldn't have anything to do with him if he was still drinking now!! Who knows what he was going through five years ago, maybe he had lost a parent and was struggling to manage? I would give him the benefit of the doubt but air caution. Be ready to break ties if necessary.

If you have just got out if one avusive relationship, you need to be extra careful about who you pick next

I may be in the minority, but I would give him a chance and meet up with him. judging someone on their past isn't really fair (I am a very different person to 5 years ago).

You can then make up your mind once you have met him in person.

Although if you have come from abusive relationships, then I understand why you are being hesitant.

You googled him - and you haven't met him

Does the article definitely say he was an alcoholic - or just that he was caught drink driving? If so, maybe he's beaten this addiction - I wouldn't say it's a red flag per se - but if he got wasted on a first date and you knew his history then you'd have a right to be concerned

Could go either way, I'd probably give him a chance, the first sign of crap, run for the hills. Nothing wrong with looking someone IMO.

I wouldn't go anywhere near him if he is still drinking. Do you know if he is?

Arrange to meet him for a casual drink. If he has an alcoholic drink you know a) he isn't a recovering alcoholic or b) he lied about it to get leniency for his drunk driving charge. If he is teetotal it shows he's changed and it can be a conversation point to see how open and genuine he is about it and you can get more of an idea if he's changed.

*isn't recovering, he's actively an alcoholic I mean.

*looking someone up.

It would make me edgy but I'd be inclined to meet him. I've had three close people who've beaten a bad addiction so it can be done. I'd let him mention it to you anyway and see how he'd dealt with it.

Often with reports of drink driving bans the defending barrister is quoted as saying the defendant has had problems with drink and recognises he needs to seek help etc etc.

He could well be teetotal now, in which case I'd have no problem.

Or he could spend the evening blithely gulping down wine in which case there wouldn't be a 2nd date.

Perhaps the ban gave him the wake up call he needed, I certainly wouldn't not date him for something in his past. Judge him on the here and now.

I don't check up - it feels heavy-handed, and often we can build up a false picture of someone. I prefer to go on gut feel when I meet them and take it from there.

I think if you have got out of an abusive relationship then perhaps this is one to swerve.

He Might be a great catch. But if he Has a past theN perhaps someone with healthy boundaries is the best person rather than you.

You apcan be honest, it might not be him, it is you. But you need to look out for number one here.

Are you 100% sure that the conviction belongs to him? If you google my name it will bring up convictions relating to another person with exactly the same name as me, yes she is the same age as well and lives in the area I grew up in!!!

Obviously if he has quite a unique name or the convictions come up within other articles that you know to be true about him then you have a decision to make.

I'm 100% sure it's him, all of the articles mention his name and job. There is also other great stuff on Google about him, it's not all bad I hasten to add. Maybe I shouldn't have looked, I don't know. I'm new to all this so its all a bit of a minefield to me.

Yes it'd be a red flag to me and there's not a cat in hell's chance I'd meet up with him. I was married to someone with an alcohol problem and I'd never risk being in that position again.

I would still meet up but I would also keep it in my mind on the date. There are people who do manage to beat it and are better people for it.

If he had treatment for alcohol addiction and is in a support group he may be way ahead emotionally than others. But l would be wary of getting involved if he is only off drink lately and definitely not if still drinking.

Oh you definitely should have looked! I would have (and did) done the same thing

But, it was 5 years ago. He could be looking for a fresh start with someone who isn't going to judge him or knew him back then.

I have also been married to an alcoholic (not any more) and it's scary to consider going through that again, but 5 years is a long time and he wasn't always an alcoholic and on the bright side, at least you have the experience to recognise the signs! You could be good for him!

Meet him if you really really like him. You'll know

Of course you should try to find out about the men you are meeting before you meet them. That's a no brainer.

Personally, I wouldn't write him off for this. What you see online is only a small part of the story. HOWEVER - I have not been in an abusive relationship.

Trust your gut, OP.