Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you give your child father surname in this situation?

33 replies

Staronthewall · 18/07/2016 15:27

Myself and DP decide to try and start a family.

We have discussed marriage in the future. I am in no particular rush.

I have large savings and earn considerably more than DP at the moment.

We both work locally and in flexible modern businesses where we could both be an equal part in child care.

I am in the position that the child has my surname. DP obviously would want child to have his surname.

I would do so if we were married, but I think the risk of getting married post birth and then minds being changed about marriage (mine or him) would mean I would be more cautious of using DP's surname.

I have been married before, DP hasnt. He wants to get married in future. I on the other hand would love that too, but dont see it as necessary in a security type of way.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 18/07/2016 15:30

I've read so many stories on here of late with OP's banging on about the issues this has caused. I personally, would have no problem with it but, a look at some of the posts about not being proposed to, once children have come along, may be worth a look

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 18/07/2016 15:30

Double barrel?

Or I'd give her my surname. Though I'd go back to my maiden name first, I wouldn't give her my ex husbands surname. Or maybe I'd deed poll to current DP's name (if I liked it!) and give her our joint name.

Several options, but I'd give her the same name as me.

Toffeelatteplease · 18/07/2016 15:33

Not a chance.

I would double barrel or give dads name as a middle name. Now there is no way I would give a child dads name only married or not.

bakeoffcake · 18/07/2016 15:33

I've always told my Dds to give a child their own name if they aren't married or in a very long term relationship. I wouldn't want to have a different name to my child and I would be the one giving birth, it would have my name.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 18/07/2016 15:36

Get married and change your name or give the baby your surname. Don't have a different surname to you child, I've seen a lot of examples where it's a pain in the arse logistically.

Original poster
Staronthewall · 18/07/2016 15:39

i wouldnt want it to come across to my DP as a 'marry me/propose or your child wont have your surname' though...

OP posts:
SmallBee · 18/07/2016 15:42

I'd just say that you want your children to have your surname, not negotiable but also not an ultimatum and that you're happy that if you do get married you all change your last name to the same surname.

FurryScoob · 18/07/2016 15:42

we talked about this a lot before we thought about kids, I don't want to loose my name & DP didn't like that we'd have different names. when DD was born we double barrelled her last name & when we get married we'll change our surname to DD's. It's a compromise we were both happy with.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 18/07/2016 15:47

It is a difficult one. Me and DP aren't married and our children have a double barrelled surname. He has been married before, so I have suggested that if we ever get married we could all change to double barrelled name and be the same as the kids, as I wouldn't want to be Mrs X number 2 Confused His ex still has that name and it would feel weird!
Marriage isn't that important to me though, but I suppose it would be nice for the kids? I wouldn't worry about how it would come across, it is what it is. He can decide. I wouldn't want my children to not have my name at all.

fruitlovingmonkey · 18/07/2016 15:53

I would just go and do the legal bit before the child is born, then have a 'proper' wedding at a later date.
Saves a lot of complications.

GummyBunting · 18/07/2016 15:54

In your circumstance I would give DC my own name. As and when you get married you can change to his if that's what you want.

It doesn't have to be a 'propose or else' situation. Simply, you are not prepared to have a different surname to your child.

April241 · 18/07/2016 16:00

I'm pregnant, not married yet but it's something OH and I both want, if I hadn't fallen pregnant this year we'd probably have gotten engaged but as it stands we're just gonna wait it out a little longer. (I'm not into big proposals etc and we've been looking at rings, will wait till I don't have sausage fingers anymore then we'll go get one and we'll just have a small ceremony with a party.)

Our kids will have my OH's surname, I didn't think of it any other way. If in the end we didn't get married and they had a different surname to me I don't know how i'd feel to be honest...I probably wouldn't be too bothered unless another girlfriend came along, got married to OH and then shared the name of my kids. However I suppose it could work the other way too, we give them my name, we get married and have to change their names or I go on to marry someone else and we have different surnames again.

Hmm, i've never thought about it before! Interesting.

SandyY2K · 18/07/2016 16:01

I'd say double barrell. So whether you get married or not, DC can retain that surname. However, if you really want to get married and it's important to you, then don't have a child first.

How will you feel if you have a child and in another 5/7/10 years he hasn't proposed and decides he's happy to stay that way? If you don't mind then it's not a problem.

You can go to the registry office and get legally we'd, then do your big wedding later. You don't need loads of money to get married.

There's often so much focus on the wedding and not the actual marriage.

April241 · 18/07/2016 16:02

Oh forgot to say - i've never been married before so that probably plays a big part in thinking.

April241 · 18/07/2016 16:03

^my thinking.

Jeez i'm making a right hash of this comment! I blame the sausage fingers.

JessieMcJessie · 18/07/2016 16:03

the risk of getting married post birth and then minds being changed about marriage (mine or him)

Not sure I understand what you mean by this. Are you saying that one of you is more likely to regret having got married if you do it very soon after a baby is born? Or do you mean it's a risk to agree to get married post birth, giving the baby his surname in anticipation of that marriage, but then one of you changes your mind about getting married?

If you have only just decided to try for a baby I'd say don't worry too much about this stuff just yet- as someone approaching her 34th week of pregnancy, I can confirm that it feels like bloody forever and you'll have plenty of time to mull it over once you get up the duff. (Which might take a while anyway).

I've also been a bit lazy about changing my name post-marriage- I do want to and the baby is going to have DH's name only, but I just haven't got round to the paperwork.

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/07/2016 16:04

Don't marry him and do double barrel! Marriage for financial reasons doesn't work when you're the high earner..

Purplebluebird · 18/07/2016 16:05

We have it double barrelled. My parents gave me mum's surname as middle name.

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 18/07/2016 16:09

I wasn't married to (now ex) dp when either of my dc were born. They have his surname. It's never been a problem and doesn't bother me that we don't have the same name.

I've never taken them abroad though which is apparently when the problems occur!

mymatemax · 18/07/2016 16:10

Changing the child's name afterwards can be a pita for the child at a later date. I have to process ID documents and the amount of time I see adults that are not able top to die copies of proof of name change is amazing. In some cases it has delayed their ability to work as security checks take longer.

Original poster
Staronthewall · 18/07/2016 16:16

The reason I may change my mind about marriage in future (to anyone, not my dp) is that my exh ran up lots of secret debt that I ended up paying for in the divorce.

I find it hard to trust people financially now and as I'm the main earner I am scared of losing all that to someone who might do it to me

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 18/07/2016 16:17

Why does he want to be married 'at some time in the future ' yet want a child together? I appreciate I may sound very old fashioned but if you are hoping for marriage and children you are running a big risk that he won't get around to the marriage any time very soon.

However, if I did have a baby in this situation I would use my own surname and consider changing it when we were married.

bluecashmere · 18/07/2016 16:20

I know a lot of people do this double barrelled name thing now but what happens when this generation goes on to have their own children?!

OP I can see your point but surely you can therefore see your partner's. Why should he have children with a different surname to his own? People would not think they were his children.

Rubixx · 18/07/2016 16:20

I don't know. It's a tough one. I am engaged and pregnant and also have a child from my first marriage. I changed DDs name after we divorced because he wasn't involved - still isn't.

For that reason I told current DP I wouldn't be changing my surname when we got married as I wouldn't have him, myself and this baby sharing one name and DD my maiden name. DP wants the family to have the same surname so baby will take my name and him when we get married.

Prior to this agreement this baby was going to have his surname and mine as a middle name. It had to work for both of you for there to be no resentment. However, ultimately it's your choice.

Original poster
Staronthewall · 18/07/2016 16:24

He wants to get married as that's what he would like to do one day

We want to start trying for a family due to issues family members have had with fertility and don't want to wait and find out later that there are problems

I haven't decided if I truly want to marry again.
After being married, and now being divorced, it seems to mean nothing as the vows weren't kept

OP posts: