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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Texting other women...

29 replies

Frank87 · 18/07/2016 11:29

Hi ladies,

So I have been with my new boyfriend for 18 months now and he is constantly texting other women. He doesn't have a lot of male friends so always uses that as an excuse when I have questioned him about it. He is a motorsports photographer and the girls that he texts are the lycra clad grid girls.

I have been completely patient with him and have never given him any grief on the subject until recently. He has been texting a new girl constantly. Every day and night since she has become recently single.

I did the terrible thing of looking at his phone before I was feeling really insecure about the whole thing and have seen that he has started deleting their conversations. I'm very confused about it and don't understand why he feels the need to constantly have attention from these girls. Am I not enough for him anymore?

I don't know what to do so any advice or thoughts would be hugely appreciated.

Thank you all! xx

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 18/07/2016 11:40

I honestly think that's who he is. He has lots of female friends and you don't like it, but that doesn't matter to him or he'd stop. Now you see deleted messages and I would feel it's because he has something to hide.

I'm not sure of your age, but I'm in my 40s and have realised over time that you can't make people change and if a BF does things you don't like, then it's best to save yourself the stress of wondering what they're doing or why they're doing it.

All you need to know is that it's not working for you and you need to cut your losses and move on.

He'll always have these friends and it's natural to feel uncomfortable like you do. There's little point in trying to understand the 'why'.

smilingeyes11 · 18/07/2016 11:45

You deserve better than this. Why is your self esteem so low that you are putting up with this?

ForestFruits12 · 18/07/2016 14:05

have realised over time that you can't make people change and if a BF does things you don't like, then it's best to save yourself the stress of wondering what they're doing or why they're doing it

I agree with the above. I spent over a year stressing about my boyfriend doing drugs, wondering where he was and if he was lying to me. it's just not worth it at all. if you have doubts, and if he is doing nothing to put your mind at rest, then in my experience, it wont get better.
xxx

ElspethFlashman · 18/07/2016 14:09

Love, you were never enough for him. He's a thrill seeker, a flattery seeker, an ego tripper.

He deletes messages cos they're crossing the line. Nobody deletes messages otherwise, it's not like the old days when your phone ran out of space!

BananaChew · 18/07/2016 14:10

Run. Save yourself a lot of more time and grief, and run.

princessmi12 · 18/07/2016 14:28

so did you confront him after seeing messages to this girl?
Is that why he might be deleting conversations? Knowing that texts to her are more then friendly and it would create problems between him and you,if you see them?

RestlessTraveller · 18/07/2016 14:37

Do you have any evidence that these women are more than work friends?

Original poster

Frank87 · 18/07/2016 15:03

He really doesn't seem the type to cheat but I have started looking at him in a completely new light after all of this and wondering if I actually know him at all.

I haven't told him that I have seen the messages, I know he will flip out at me as his ex was very jealous so it's a bit of a sore spot for him.

It happened with another girl a few months ago and I found out through someone else that he was messaging her. I confronted him about it and he apologised and told me that I probably wouldn't be comfortable with the content of their conversations and has since stopped speaking to her (apparently). I put that down as a one off and moved on, but since then he has started talking to another one. I just don't understand what he is getting from these "friendships" and feel like i'm not enough for him anymore.

OP posts:

ChicRock · 18/07/2016 15:07

his ex was very jealous

Told you that himself did he? And you didn't wonder why? Ah well, now you know.

He texts other women, he deletes messages because he knows you won't be happy with the content of them.

So I guess all that's left for you to do is either put up or shut up.

adora1 · 18/07/2016 15:08

Doesn't seem the type, he sounds exactly the type OP, you really need to ask yourself why you are wasting time on such a slimy sleaze ball, you really should value yourself more than what he is offering you and he's not even hiding it very well, move on.

ForestFruits12 · 18/07/2016 15:10

Sorry to say this OP, but he knows how it makes you feel, yet he is still doing it.

Our circumstances are different, but the advice is the same . . you cant change someone, so you either put up with it, or you leave.

xxx

princessmi12 · 18/07/2016 15:11

don't know how can you put up with this(hypothetical question in response to PP)
Knowing he's in same room with you (maybe even same bed) glued to his phone texting to that woman..
id have a very calm conversation explaining that this hurts you .
if that is not enough for him to stop,id want out

TheresAlwaysTimeForTea · 18/07/2016 15:16

I'd get rid OP - he sounds like a creep. You don't delete texts and conversations unless you have something to hide and it sounds like he has form for it. Sorry, but you deserve better than that.

smilingeyes11 · 18/07/2016 15:22

ha - doesn't seem the type. But he did it before and you brushed it under the carpet.

I would suggest you get yourself sti tested and of course get rid of him too.

P1nkP0ppy · 18/07/2016 15:24

...said that I probably wouldn't be comfortable with the content....
WTF! He's a lying, deceitful slime ball, I wouldn't want him within 50' of me.
And he thinks/knows you don't really mind or you'd have kicked his ass out long ago.
Your choice 😳

SandyY2K · 18/07/2016 15:35

Men and women in relationships do things that the other person let's them do without a single consequence.

I had an ex who once told me not to start playing up. Like I was some little kid. That was the end of the relationship, because I refuse to be spoken to in that manner.

Everyone is responsible for setting boundaries. You can't stress yourself out trying figure why he does x, y or z.

He does it because he wants to. He enjoys it, it feels good and he will continue doing it.

You can either decide he's ok as a BF, (because you don't believe he's actually cheating) and he treats you good enough on the face of it and enjoy the ride while it lasts, without investing your emotions or if you want a serious relationship, with a man you can trust, then ditch him and move on.

No mess, no fuss, no drama. You don't even have to say what you know or you'll be labelled as jealous like his Ex.

A simple - *"we're not on the same page" will do.

These are the kind of raging red flags you see early on. Yet all too often they people ignore them and go on to marry the person and then months or a couple of years in you discover the same and more and are somehow suprised.

ForestFruits12 · 18/07/2016 15:53

Completely agree with Sandy. I've learnt so much from this site over the last 6 months. boundaries are something that we set ourselves.

Everyone is responsible for setting boundaries. You can't stress yourself out trying figure why he does x, y or z

This is just so true. people do whatever the want to do, and it's up to you to decide if that's alright, and if it's what you want from a partner/future.

princessmi12 · 18/07/2016 16:32

I haven't told him that I have seen the messages, I know he will flip out at me as his ex was very jealous so it's a bit of a sore spot for him.
Oh and you try to please by being "better" then his ex ?
In real healthy relationship one is able to voice concerns and discuss issues,to find a way to make relationship better for both parties involved.

ForestFruits12 · 18/07/2016 16:36

Yes, what Princess said!

We have all been with someone who talks about the 'psycho ex girlfriend', so we try everything we can to not become the same as her. the we start to realise that she was behaving in a certain way because she was driven to it.

'she was mental . . she would call me when I didn't come home' . . . . well of course she did you idiot! that's what partners do!!

Mrskeats · 18/07/2016 16:42

This is totally grim and I wouldn't put up with it for a second.
He texts a woman who has recently become single?? How handy, what do you think that's all about.
As others have said there is no point trying to work out why. The only question is why are you putting up with it?

HuskyLover1 · 18/07/2016 16:55

I wasted 20 years on a guy like this. THEY DON'T CHANGE.

I am now with someone else, and believe me, not all men are like this, and you don't have to put up with it.

He's texting her because she's newly single? So, he's trying to get in to her pants then? Nice.

I would imagine a punch to the nuts and a packed bag are in order. Preferably by tonight.

ElspethFlashman · 18/07/2016 17:00

I'd say his ex wasn't jealous at the beginning of their relationship, but by the end of it she was a gibbering wreck, jumping every time his phone beeped.

You know what makes you into a paranoid jealous person? Your boyfriend having conversations with random hotties that you "probably wouldn't be comfortable with"!!!

ForestFruits12 · 18/07/2016 17:07

So he admits that he is texting them, but deletes the messages as you wouldn't be comfortable with the content?

He has no respect for you, and will continue to behave like this for as long as you let him.

LesisMiserable · 20/07/2016 08:57

What a prick. Having women friends (yes, even hot ones) is of course absolutely fine, suddenly texting a newly single one loads is a bit iffy and he knows it. Yes you'd have to be incredibly secure or not particularly invested to be with this man with his work and his friends , very few woman would be able to muster it I suspect, me included. I don't think you're one of them either.

Original poster

Frank87 · 20/07/2016 09:25

So I confronted him about everything...

He at first was quite defensive because he hates confrontation but once I explained how it looks and how it makes me feel he has been incredibly apologetic about it. He is pleading innocence with the deleted conversations with this girl and said that he only deleted them because he knew I would be upset if I saw him texting her. I told him that that in itself isn't on, that he was willing to go behind my back for this "friendship".

I feel much better for saying my piece and standing my ground so I am going to give it some time and see what happens. But this is 100% his last chance.

OP posts:

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