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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner doesn't like me.

27 replies

Jessicapeek · 17/07/2016 12:52

Hello, I'm 24 and I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are engaged. We have two young children, 2 and 8months. I am currently on medication for post natal depression. As a person I am really loving, affectionate and caring. My partner however is not. He has slowly stopped showing me any kind of affection unless it's sex. I love him so much but he doesn't kiss me, hug me or touch me unless it's for sex and I feel so unloved, for me I can't just have sex, I need some intamcy and love, that's what it's based on for me. I have to feel connected and lately I don't so our sex life has really took a back seat. I have told him how I feel and he's still not making a effort, I feel like he is forced to show me any kind of affection. I do it because I love him and there's no question about it. It's a natural feeling for me but it's not for him. I feel so unwanted and it's causing so many arguments. I don't know what to do anymore I just feel like he doesn't like me and it really upsets me. Sad

OP posts:
MsStricty · 17/07/2016 13:10

When did you learn that this is what "love" looks and feels like? I'd suggest that it goes way back to your childhood.

Please, please, get some professional help so you can break a particularly heart-breaking, damaging, and dangerous cycle.

Oh - and leave if you can. Right now.

Jessica204041 · 17/07/2016 13:33

I just see other relationships and it's so loving and affectionate, and this just doesn't seem normal for me, i just want normal things like hugs and kisses and to feel wanted, I feel like my feelings have to take a back seat because he's not like that but then when it comes to any thing sexual I just can't do it because I don't feel that connection. I just feel so confused because I do really love him.

MsStricty · 17/07/2016 13:36

Jessica - It is not love; it is what you've been taught that love is. Sometimes it takes a very long time to realise that and to feel it deeply. Sometimes it never happens. What helps, though, is getting some help. Therapy is a good option.

alphabook · 17/07/2016 13:39

Has he always been like this? What is he like in other areas of your relationship?

Some people just aren't that physically affectionate, but I suspect that's not the only issue here.

PurpleWithRed · 17/07/2016 13:39

Other relationships are loving and affectionate because HE loves and likes her as much as she loves him. It can't be one sided.

Like MsStrictly says, get some counselling (on your own), Relate will help.

Jessica204041 · 17/07/2016 13:55

So does the problem lie with me?

Jessica204041 · 17/07/2016 14:16

Am I over thinking? I mean obviously we have our stresses, we have two young children, we both work, so it's hard sometimes, but really there's no other problems that would make me think there's a reason for this. Maybe we just aren't right for each other but it hurts me to think I wouldn't be with him.

Resilience16 · 17/07/2016 14:46

It's a bit catch 22, he sees sex as the same as intimacy, you don't. He is probably feeling rejected as you don't want sex, you feel wounded as he doesn't seem to be able to show you affection without it being an add on to sex, so sex is off the agenda for you, rinse and repeat.
It's a horrible vicious circle for you to be in. Add in the trials and tribulations of caring for two babies, plus PND, and no wonder you feel upset.
If both of you feel the relationship is worth saving then consider couples counselling. If there is resistance or denial of any problem from your partner then go for counselling for yourself, and get your thoughts in order.
Are your meds working for the PND? If not then review with your doc.Speak to them 're counselling also.
Hugs for you...I hope you can work it out x

MsStricty · 17/07/2016 14:47

Are you able to answer my first question, Jessica?

"When did you learn that this is what "love" looks and feels like?"

In other words, what was your family life like growing up?

Jessica204041 · 17/07/2016 14:52

I got my medication increased yesterday.
It was working but not completely so they advised me to go higher.

Growing up my family life was okay, my father didn't have much of a relationship with me but he was completely fine with my sister which was a problem, my parents separated when I was 12 because of that reason...I was very very loved from my mum and my grandparents, uncles aunties ect.

alphabook · 17/07/2016 15:00

Does he show you he cares in other ways?

Jessica204041 · 17/07/2016 15:04

Not really. He knows I'm suffering with PND and he doesn't really understand. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know 100% he's only nice to me and only makes effort when he wants sex which is very off putting for me. I feel like we have had so many conversations about it but it doesn't seem to get better. I don't know if it can work out and it's heart breaking for me because I just want to be loved by him.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/07/2016 15:14

"He has slowly stopped showing me any kind of affection unless it's sex"

"I have told him how I feel and he's still not making an effort"

In which case you should be taking him at face-value. He heard you but he's not prepared to do anything about it. He doesn't care how you feel. He just wants sex and doesn't see the need to encourage you to want it with him. And at such a little cost to himself, too and he just won't give it. Tells you everything you need to know, really.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/07/2016 15:19

"I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

Honestly, you aren't doing anything wrong. He is. The feeling that a man is only putting his arm round you or paying you any special attention because you KNOW he'll be wanting sex in exchange is guaranteed to kill your desire absolutely stone-dead.

Jessica204041 · 17/07/2016 15:24

I have no desire to have sex with him what so ever. I just can't. And it's not because I'm not attracted to him because I am, but I just feel like if he can't show me any kind of affection and love then, I feel ugly and unwanted and emotionally, physically I just can't sleep with him. It sounds so silly and I feel so guilty but I just need more. He's not a bad person, we do have good times and get on, after work we spend time together watching tv and things, but we will be sitting at opposite ends of the couch, I have to ask if I want a hug and even then it's forced and I can feel that he's awkward. I feel so insecure.

LilacInn · 17/07/2016 15:27

This is not a relationship. How can you "love" someone who treats you like shit?!

Jessica204041 · 17/07/2016 15:35

He just doesn't understand how I feel. He thinks the problem is with me because I don't wanna sleep with him anymore. His excuse is just "I'm not affectionate like that" but it's just not for me anymore. I feel like we are just friends who happen to live together and help each other with the children. We go to bed and we couldn't b any further apart: we don't say goodnight or give each other a kiss. There's nothing but I respect him so much he's a brilliant dad.

LilacInn · 17/07/2016 15:50

He's not a brilliant dad if he treats his children's mother like garbage. Please take off your blinders.

Evergreen17 · 17/07/2016 15:57

I get nada kisses from DP

But he is the most wonderful man alive and treats me and lives his life like no partner I have ever had

I think in the past I was wrong about what being in love was

He does make an effort to give me at least a peck on lips to say hi and bye

I love affectionate cuddles but he obviously doesnt

I still rather have him over anyone else Smile

Evergreen17 · 17/07/2016 15:58

Not everyone is keen on kisses and cuddles but for me there are other things that I value more, even yes sometimes it has been hard

Jessica204041 · 17/07/2016 16:03

I get that. But he doesn't even give me a peck hi and bye, he purposely completely misses my lips for some bizarre reason and goes for the cheek. I feel so shit about myself. We have two children, he is comfortable having sex so why is it so hard to give me a hug or something?

Smorgasboard · 17/07/2016 18:51

I am very demonstrative and affectionate, like you, I know I need that, luckily my BF is just the same with me, and it is fab, just could not be with someone who was not outwardly loving. I doubt someone like that would want to be with me either.
I think the poster asking you what your childhood was like, was more getting at why you would be putting up with a life with someone who was not as affectionate as yourself, not saying you are behaving in a way that's wrong . It's to work out why you are still in the relationship as it is, and why, if he's always been like this, you progressed it to having a family and getting engaged regardless.
Very telling what your experience actually was, counselling could help understand why you find yourself in this situation, it's unlikely to change your DP into someone he is not. You may want to consider clarifying from your DM, whether your interpretation of why she left your father is correct. Children can mis-interpret reasons, it sounds like a strange one on the surface, so I would think that there could be more exploring to do behind that.
Though, your father has doubtless had some negative effect, you could probably attribute your loving side to the care you received from the rest of the family, no bad thing. Being affectionate can be useful as you can suss out at a very early stage if something is amiss, and address it, because it's obvious when the affection stops. Maybe you are experiencing this if your DP has changed and was more affectionate in the past, he is then not telling you what's really going on.

Jessica204041 · 17/07/2016 19:23

Well he just came in from work and I kind of broke down and mentioned how I'm feeling and he's walked out so I guess I just have to bite the bullet and be here for my kids. Thanks for all your help everyone I appreciate it.

pocketsaviour · 17/07/2016 19:42

Sorry to hear this OP. Ultimately it may be that you're simply incompatible. I hope he will do the right thing by you.

PsychedelicSheep · 17/07/2016 19:49

I'm sorry this has happened 😔 It former sound like either of you are happy though, maybe be is for the best? Doesn't dtop it hurting though. If he does come back use th opportunity to draw up new boundaries for your relationship, don't just let him carry on as before.

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