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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One thing after the other! Does it get easier?

27 replies

Hurtandconfused2016 · 15/07/2016 21:54

So since January I feel like everything is going wrong!
Ex left for ow
I had to leave family home as was having a baby and have a toddler.
Went to a lawyer to sort out contact he then decided to blame me for him not seeing the kids. (After him telling me I'm disgusting etc etc)
His family wanted to be involved with the kids not heard from them for months!
I can't get a council house but he won't let me keep the family home on (even though I can afford it he wants his name of the mortgage)
I can't afford to rent privately
My ds never got into nursery at all.
Now ex won't respond to my lawyers letters his family have all moved town and not allowing me any contact details :(

How do the parents who aren't the residential parent get to not have to worry about anything? How is this fair??
Sorry this is probably a pointless rant just needed to get it out there!

OP posts:
FreeFromHarm · 15/07/2016 22:10

Sorry you are going through this, are you married to your x, is the property is joint names.. he left for another woman so has committed adultery I presume ?

Original poster
Hurtandconfused2016 · 15/07/2016 22:12

No we aren't married. The property is in joint names yes.
Yeah technically but because we aren't married it is the seen this way

OP posts:
FreeFromHarm · 15/07/2016 22:24

As you have children together you are entitled to stay in the property until the children are of age, the mortgage company have to give permission for him to come off the mortgage and there has to be equity in the property that is my understanding, you have taken legal advice I hope as I am not sure if its different when you are not married

Original poster
Hurtandconfused2016 · 15/07/2016 22:30

Yeah I have taken legal advice but my lawyer is on holiday so can't fully explain it to me. I'm going to see the mortgage company on Tuesday as well to see what I can do. If not me and the kids will be homeless. We are currently staying at my parents but there is to much tension for my kids to be around

OP posts:
FreeFromHarm · 15/07/2016 22:33

Confused, I thought your partner left.. so you are out of the house and he is to ..... Why can't you go back to your property ? you are not homeless, you need to seek legal advice about getting back into the house , an occupation order, is he violent or abusive ?

Original poster
Hurtandconfused2016 · 15/07/2016 22:38

Yeah he left. I was having a baby 6 weeks later (csection) and was unable to deal with a 2 year old and new born with 3 flights of stairs so had to move back to my parents till I was better which is now.

I could return but he will take me to court apparently to force sale as he wants his name off the mortgage.
No neither of them. He doesn't actually have the key to the property anymore he gave it to his parents to deal with

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 15/07/2016 22:41

The mortgage company won't take his name off if, based on their own financial assessment, they don't consider you viable alone/if you can't buy him out.

The best way is to complete a form E and have a financial resolution hearing (sorry, that might not be the correct term, it's been a few years since I did this myself). The judge will separate all the assets fairly. Clean break, hopefully.

FreeFromHarm · 15/07/2016 22:44

You are joint owner, no court in the land surely will force the sale when there is two young children involved, you seriously need to get this sorted asap when your solicitor returns. The xdp is using threatening behaviour

Resilience16 · 16/07/2016 06:23

The CAB will give you free legal advice. If you are/were in a union at work, they give free legal advice also.
Or speak to Women's Aid for some practical advice, prior to getting back to your lawyer.
This is a shit situation to be in Hurtandconfused,but you will get through it.

Fishface77 · 16/07/2016 06:24

I remember your past thread.
The parents emptied the house?
Move back, change the locks and start your life again.
Did you not see a solicitor after the last thread?

Justlikefire · 16/07/2016 07:03

Op the advice that people are giving you that you can stay in the house as you have young children is out of date.

The court ordered that my house be sold and the equity split and I had two young dc with special needs.

Everyone's case is different of course. If he wants to come off the mortgage you would have to show you are in a position to take on the mortgage yourself. That would not be done overnight so in the meantime I would move back into the property and live there while you sort things out.

Make sure you get legal advice that applies to you and your situation.

Original poster
Hurtandconfused2016 · 16/07/2016 08:51

Thank you everyone was having a tuff day yesterday with ds asking for his dad and things.
I spoke to cab and they told me different information from my lawyer which is why in so confused! I'm scared to move back into the property get sorted and then he decides to start court proceedings to kick us out! Don't want to much stress for my little ones.
Just like- that's what I'm scared off I don't want kicked out! Could you afford the mortgage on your own? I was going to propose to him that he stayed on the mortgage until the kids are at school age so 3 years. Then I could return to work full time and give him back any money that he was entitled to.
I couldn't work full time right now as ds never got into nursery and with no help from him I couldn't afford to put dd In nursery.
Fish face - I did but she was concentrating on the kids more than the house because I wasn't supposed to be returning to work until October she was waiting to see if ds got into nursery then I could have worked a little bit more and see my finances. But due to having no money I'm returning to work on Sunday. So will be earning enough now to afford the mortgage etc etc

OP posts:
user1467709068 · 16/07/2016 09:14

This reply has been deleted

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Justlikefire · 16/07/2016 09:36

Hi again op, yes I could afford the mortgage and paid it on my own for a long time. However I couldn't afford to buy him out as there was too much equity in the house and the court thought it should be sold and the equity split and we both move on with the proceeds.

I think your idea of waiting till you can work full time is a good one. (Check with your solicitor.) However he would have to agree to that. A friend of mine eventually got her exh off the mortgage but it took a long time to sort out and it did cost her money too.

He wouldn't be able to kick you out suddenly. Hopefully you can sort things amicably. If not you would have to go to court. Most people don't although I had to as we couldn't agree. The court process would take months and then if you had to sell up that would take months too.

My solicitor suggested I borrow money from a family member and buy him out completely but I don't know anyone rich enough!

FreeFromHarm · 16/07/2016 09:39

Just like fire, wow, really, sorry but I thought that was the case, I was sadly mistaken.

Original poster
Hurtandconfused2016 · 16/07/2016 11:08

Just like that's awful! I didn't think they would kick someone out who has kids but obviously I was mistaken too.

We have no equity in the house at all really. We paid the 10% deposit and that is all the equity we have in it.

OP posts:
Justlikefire · 16/07/2016 11:28

Yes my dc were only 5 and 8 at the time and both in special schools. My solicitor had prepared me for that being the case as courts start with 50:50 in everything these days then obviously adjust that according to personal circumstances.

For you op as there is not much equity to split you could buy him out. Do you have savings?

Original poster
Hurtandconfused2016 · 16/07/2016 11:48

I have no money at all. I put all my savings into the house when we bought it and used a lot of money to decorate it and for the car we bought. I have no money at all unfortunately

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 16/07/2016 15:54

I had my XH's name taken off the deeds. So he had no entitlement to future claim on equity in the house etc. however his name stayed on the mortgage, as the mortgage company didn't consider me to earn enough to be solely liable for mortgage payments (though in reality I was able to make the mortgage payments alone with no issue). Could you do this?

Original poster
Hurtandconfused2016 · 16/07/2016 16:00

Lookat- did you have to give him money to settle the equity in it? Also was that a court ruling or an agreement you had between you?
Me and ex would never be able to sort it out civil due to his saying I stop him seeing babies (not the truth but he will use this)

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 16/07/2016 16:09

It was via Court as my ex wouldn't have agreed to anything otherwise/ever been arsed to fill out any forms etc to move things along. Like you, there was only the 10% deposit in the house. Although he didn't come to the hearing he, in writing, wanted about 30% of the value of the property. Ha. It was ultimately agreed I would keep the house and not chase for divorce costs to be reimbursed (approx £2) so all in all, it was definitely worth taking it to court as it meant I could continue to live in the house with DC and in the knowledge XH couldn't secure debts against it/stake a claim in it in the future.

That or just sell it and split the 10%, buy a smaller house?

Original poster
Hurtandconfused2016 · 16/07/2016 16:40

I wouldn't be able to get another mortgage at the moment as I only work part time. His half of the stuff would only be 5000.

He sounds like my ex I've been trying since jan to go to mediation to get everything I writing/sorted and he's ignored it every time I ask him. He also is no longer replying to lawyers letters he has said. I'm stuck.

OP posts:
Justlikefire · 16/07/2016 16:42

So would he be happy if you paid him off with £5k? That doesn't seem a lot if you can borrow it somehow.

However if you are not working, you won't be able to show you can pay the mortgage.

2nds · 16/07/2016 16:47

I dunno in your situation I'd be tempted to allow the house to be sold, stay with your parents for the time being if possible and then see what you can afford afterwards. Only my opinion, it's up to you.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 16/07/2016 16:58

Yeah, I think the best and easiest thing to do in your situation is sell the house, split the equity, and rent for a bit.