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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break up or keep trying?

27 replies

Jemima1985 · 10/07/2016 21:14

Hi ladies... First time posting! After lying in bed upset and stressed all day I'm hoping there is someone to talk to and give me advice.

Been with my bf for nearly 5 years... I'm 30 and he's 25. He has been struggling with depression for a year which has been difficult to cope with. I have supported him through this. He has been on an alcohol ban.

This weekend he has gone off the rails, drunk, taken drugs and lied to me about it. I am so hurt and worried for his health. I have given him chance after chance and don't know how much more I can take!

Do I leave... or keep trying

OP posts:
sanmiguelmakesmewell · 10/07/2016 21:24

Hi OP
This sounds like an upsetting time for you. When you say
' I have given him chance after chance and don't know how much more I can take!' What's gone on in the past?

Wolfiefan · 10/07/2016 21:25

Why an alcohol ban?

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 10/07/2016 21:40

It is the hardest time of my life.. I'm not coping! I have given him around 6 chances of saying I will work on our relationship if you don't drink or take drugs or stay out all night. He has gone missing three times and gone of the rails twice in the last couple of months. He blames depression. The worry is undearable. He has gone missing and sent me photos of sitting next to the river saying your life will be better without me! I have been supporting his depression, going to appointments with him etc and it feels like everything I have done to help has been thrown in my face this weekend. My own health is becoming affected, I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemima1985 · 10/07/2016 21:42

We both agreed with medical advice that he should not drink as he is in strong medication and it makes his depression turn into suicidal thoughts

OP posts:
sanmiguelmakesmewell · 10/07/2016 21:42

What are YOU getting from the relationship?
What other support does he have?

Joysmum · 10/07/2016 21:47

You can't try enough for both of you.

How is HE trying?

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 10/07/2016 21:48

I am getting nothing from the relationship... I have told him this. His depression has made him withdrawn, unloving and angry. Am I being selfish expecting more from him in this difficult time or is he being selfish and using depression as an excuse for bad behaviour! His mum thinks he does this. He has his parents but they don't have space for him to live with them. I know he will be apologetic when he comes out of his coma but in time will revert to old ways... 5 years is along time to throw away but I'm at the edge of a breakdown myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemima1985 · 10/07/2016 21:51

Joysmum.. I have been holding it together for about a year now. I don't think he is trying with our relationship. He says he knows he loves me but when he can't face life himself it's hard to show emotion. The mental health service have been useless and very slow to act on helping him.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 10/07/2016 21:56

This man is in no place to have a relationship with anyone. You don't need someone in your life who is doing drugs and being angry and staying out all night and drinking too much and using emotional blackmail.

sanmiguelmakesmewell · 10/07/2016 21:59

You say you're getting nothing from this relationship.

It sounds like that's unlikely to change any time soon.

What's the worst that can happen if you end it?

sanmiguelmakesmewell · 10/07/2016 22:00

Is he accessing support around his alcohol & drug use? MH team won't go near if there's substance misuse going on.

sanmiguelmakesmewell · 10/07/2016 22:01

(That's usually the case in my area, anyway)

whimsical1975 · 10/07/2016 22:05

I think you know what you need to do but want some affirmation - you only have one life to live, it's time to start looking after you for a change. Move on from this relationship and be happy!

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 10/07/2016 22:09

I agree he is in no place for a relationship so should I leave or continue to support and wait for the depression to lift?

He is getting support after positive thinking and me stopping him from harming himself. The drink drugs is is not often and has only occurred twice since being on his medication. He suffered a childhood trauma which I am trying to get him to go to counselling for but he says he doesn't want to talk to a stranger.

I am so angry for the bad choices he makes that are not going to help his depression. Worst that can happen is that he will go through with taking his life!

OP posts:
April229 · 10/07/2016 22:10

I think you should leave. He's not in a place where he can maintain a romantic relationship - you can still support him as a friend. I would contact a friend or family memeber of his once you have broken up to say that he may need support due to you break up. Whatever you're doing the relationship has not solved the problem so you shouldn't stay on hoping it will heal things. Must be terrible for you 💐

Wolfiefan · 10/07/2016 22:11

He is in no place for a relationship. So you leave. Sorry.
You can't fix someone whilst being in a dysfunctional relationship. You can't waste your life hoping it will get better in the future.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 10/07/2016 22:17

Thanks April.. It is hard because I love him a lot and I want him to get better but lately I am finding it too hard to cope with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemima1985 · 10/07/2016 22:20

I agree about 'wasting my life'.. it's ironic because if I leave him I've wasted 5 years in it not being successful. I want my future to be with him when he's well but I know I can't wave a wand and make him better. I'm wondering if a compromise is to go abroad for a week to get a break and see how he feels without me but I'm terrified of leaving and being so far away if something happens ... I am a bit trapped

OP posts:
sanmiguelmakesmewell · 10/07/2016 22:26

Has he made any attempts on his life in the past, OP?

sanmiguelmakesmewell · 10/07/2016 22:28

Sounds like a break & you getting away would be a good start....

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 10/07/2016 23:44

He is acting like nothing has happened... I feel so confused! I'm going to have to have a good think about everything

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 11/07/2016 00:53

I would end it. It's going to impact on your own wellbeing and you're getting nothing but stress from this relationship.

Let his family help from here on in, as the future with himand you is bleak. You've tried your best.

You don't want to be in the same place in another 5 years.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/07/2016 08:07

I would end this as well. You;'re getting nothing out of it and he does not want your help or support. You are now flogging that dead horse and he is in no position anyway to be in a relationship. Infact you are the last person who can help him and I mean that most kindly. You cannot act as either as rescuer or saviour in a relationship either.

You need to completely also now reassess what you have learnt about relationships to date because you are falling into the sunken costs fallacy trap. I would also suggest you do some further reading on this in relationships because you are well and truly in that. Its causes you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defence against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be

babynugget · 11/07/2016 08:24

First of all you need to give yourself credit for supporting him this long. It sounds like you have continually put him before yourself which is admirable. However I'm not sure you can sustain this any longer and you will no longer be able to support him if you are damaging yourself in the process. It's a heartbreaking situation but you need to start looking after you. It's not selfish and it's not uncaring for you to acknowledge that this relationship is putting your won wellbeing at risk. Sometimes we find it difficult to separate our feelings for a person from our feelings about the situation we are in. You can still be in love with someone but hate being with them and all that entails. It's a crap place to be though!

Look after yourself Brew

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 11/07/2016 08:28

Get out. You've done enough and need to put yourself first now. And I say that as someone who has suffered from depression. In time, you will look back and realised you did all you could for this man and not feel bad for walking away. There is only so much others can do for people before the people concerned need to work on themselves.