Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend thinks i fancy her husband

35 replies

PinkBallerina · 08/07/2016 09:05

I don't. Infact if i wasn't married and neither was he i wouldn't date him. Physically he is not my type. But he is a lovely guy and we chat quite a bit because he does the school runs and i am the only mum he chats to at the school gates (his choice not mine).

My friend once asked me, when we were discussing problems with her marriage, if i thought her DH was attractive. I didn't know what to say so said the default, yes. But the question was more whether "is he a total loser or is there anything good about him, he is attractive right?"

Yesterday at a bbq pool party a friend of hers made a comment about me having the hots for my friends DH. At the time he was wearing his swim shorts, not that i cared, but i get the impression that friend's friend thought it was a 'moment' for me, seeing him in his swim shorts. This combined with a few other comments friend made a while ago has confirmed my belief that friend and her DH think i fancy him.

How do i put a stop to this without making anyone feel uncomfortable or offending anyone?

OP posts:
ProfessorPickles · 08/07/2016 09:08

I find it so strange that she'd think that! And to comment on it like that is very immature I think.
I wonder if he talks about you a lot when he gets home from the school run after seeing you, and she's got jealous?

I'm not sure what you could say, something along the lines of "I don't understand these comments you make, I appreciate he's an attractive man but he's not my type"?
I'm sure someone with a better suggestion will be along soon Grin

ProfYaffle · 08/07/2016 09:11

Talk about your own dh and how happy you are a bit more?

Piemernator · 08/07/2016 09:16

It's the chatting, she is insecure for some reason and the fact you said he was attractive has fanned the flames of her insecurity.

I actually witnessed my DH chatting from a distance to a woman a couple of days ago. I was meeting him at work and was sat in an area a little away. The woman was flirting like mad, I found it a little amusing. I actually feel a bit sorry for your friend as feeling jealous must be crap. Jealousy is one emotion I have never experienced over a lover but I find men quite inconvenient to doing what I want as they demand my time.

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 08/07/2016 09:21

I want to distance myself from him a bit more but i am always early for school drop off and collections and he is always late so he approaches me, not the other way around.

Friend knows that my marriage is going through a rough patch, she is the only friend i have confided in about this. I don't think that biggin up my marriage now will work.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkBallerina · 08/07/2016 09:23

I don't know whether she is a jealous person, quite possibly though. I do think that she is insecure about her looks though, despite have a wonderful figure

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/07/2016 09:36

He fancies you and your friend has picked up on it.

This isnt about you at all.

notagiraffe · 08/07/2016 09:38

I'd just say very clearly that you get on well her DH and he is like brother to you. That you don't fancy him and never could, as it would feel like fancying a brother - gross. In your mind he is friend's OH and so you just couldn't imagine finding him attractive as that's so taboo.

dizzyfucker · 08/07/2016 09:40

*He fancies you and your friend has picked up on it.

This isnt about you at all.*

Exactly this! Leave them to get on with it. When they start acting like kids around you just smile and wave. All sounds very immature.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 08/07/2016 09:42

He fancies you and your friend has picked up on it.

This isnt about you at all.

This is what I think too.

NataliaOsipova · 08/07/2016 09:48

Oh poor you - that sort of thing is so tedious. And childish. Mature adults can think that another adult is attractive without being possessed by an overwhelming urge to cop off with them (and even if they are, they can usually control it!). Just ridiculous. I'd be quite flattered if someone said they found my DH attractive. In fact, I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day along those lines - he's a teacher in a mixed school and one of the older girls has a bit of a crush on him.

Friend: Dear God, what self respecting 17 year old would go for my DH?
Me: That's marriage talking. He's a good looking young teacher, very charming.... I can easily see how a few sixth formers are swooning.
Friend: Ha, ha - I'll tell him you said so.
(Cue much laughter all round)

On no level, on no way, would she have gone away thinking "Oh, Natalia really fancies my husband." You really haven't done anything wrong. I would either steer clear of this friend, or next time anything like that comes up, dismiss it very firmly. It also sounds like she's been gossiping a bit and telling people that, so dismiss firmly from all sources. Just ridiculous and immature.

mumofthemonsters808 · 08/07/2016 09:51

I feel for you Op because it's a no win situation, she has this notion in her head, that her husband is some sort of woman magnate and any type of behaviour displayed by you will reinforce this belief.Ive met lots of wives over the years and never once been asked, if I think their husband is attractive.For me, this inappropriate question, indicates feelings of insecurity, possessiveness and jealousy. I'd either avoid the pair of them, or I'd have to discuss it with her.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 08/07/2016 09:52

Maybe knowing that she's had a rough patch in her marriage and that you're currently having a rough patch in yours she's bigging up her DH to her other friend in a 'at least my marriage is better than hers, my DH is soo hot even PinkBallerina has said she fancies him' type way.

You know 'those who shout the loudest usually have the most to hide' and all that.

GabsAlot · 08/07/2016 09:58

spot on what other pp have said

shes noticed he fancies u and wants to divert the blame onto you

WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/07/2016 10:02

Pink -
Yesterday at a bbq pool party a friend of hers made a comment about me having the hots for my friends DH. At the time he was wearing his swim shorts, not that I cared, but I get the impression that friend's friend thought it was a 'moment' for me, seeing him in his swim shorts. This combined with a few other comments friend made a while ago has confirmed my belief that friend and her DH think I fancy him. How do I put a stop to this without making anyone feel uncomfortable or offending anyone?

When someone comes out with something like that to you, if you're in a group, laugh. Laugh out loud. A lot. Say to them "Are you serious???" with a head tilt and a laugh. Say "I think he's a lovely man but I have no inclinations in that general direction. I'm very happy and secure (though I really didn't think I'd have to spell it out) in my own marriage thanks"

HelloTreacle9 · 08/07/2016 10:07

I think your friend's DH probs does fancy you and she's picked up on that. I wonder also if your friend senses or fears a whiff of something about her husband that makes her feel particularly vulnerable. I had a similar experience with two different, slightly over-friendly, school dads at the DC's old school, nice guys but absolutely no frisson for me. I never quite got accused of fancying them, but recently found out that both have had affairs, one of them multiple times. UGH.

In any case, this is totally about them, and not you, but personally I would keep your distance as much as possible.

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 08/07/2016 10:07

Thanks for all the advice. I think i will do my best to give her and her DH a wide birth from now on.

OP posts:
BlueFolly · 08/07/2016 10:12

I think that's all you can do, if you try denying it, it's going to make you look guilty. I really feel for you, mortifying!

Brankolium · 08/07/2016 10:14

Or nobody fancies anybody and she is just very insecure and looking for threats left, right and centre.

LazyJournalistsQuoteMN · 08/07/2016 10:20

Your friend probably is insecure and feels threatened by you. Is her Dh just being nice by only chatting to you at the school run or do you think he 'testing the waters'. I would politely nip it in the bud. If someone says it again, say something along the lines... Both X and Y are good friends of mine/ours, I think it's very inappropriate to make silly jokes about me and my Dh. Please do not do it again. (Stern stare)

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 08/07/2016 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carabos · 08/07/2016 10:24

You've got a walk-on role in their psycho-drama. Think Dawn and Pete from Gavin and Stacey and distance yourself. If your own relationship is not good, before you know where you are, that will be because you're crushing on your friend's DH and you'll be the subject of gossip.

My friend thinks i fancy her husband
Rhaegal · 08/07/2016 10:25

Could it be as she know you've hit a rough patch the phenomenon that some friend's of mine who've split up endure afterwards - the one where their married friends seem to assume now they are single again they are after their husbands?

He fancies you and your friend has picked up on it.

Though this sounds likely to.

JinnyGreenTeeth · 08/07/2016 10:25

Start doing school drop-offs very late?

If a friend of your friend is making wisecracks about you fancying that woman's husband, then clearly it's considered something of a joky fact in their circles - how did you respond?

Rhaegal · 08/07/2016 10:29

Try standing with a group of people so harder for him to come over and just talk just to you, vary your drop of times and squash any jokes other people make?

You shouldn't have to do anything - but I would try some distance and think twice beofre confiding in her again about your own marriage.

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 08/07/2016 10:30

Jinny i didn't say anything, in the moment i didn't know what to say and felt mortified

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread