My SIL hates me but now has to be locked in a cottage with me

[Jenji]

NC as this is pretty outing.

I'm white. My DH and his sister are black. SIL hates that DH has married a white woman and has made countless comments over the years to undermine me, make me look stupid and make me look like a racist, consciously or unconsciously. Her best was at my wedding where she commented very loudly with me in ear shot that she was hoping DH would see sense, chuck me soon enough and find someone of his "own kind".

Anyway, DH has told her to fuck off numerous times and we avoid like her plague. MIL and FIL booked a cottage for a summer break at the end of this month. We were invited but were under the impression it was going to be just us and PILs. We only found out yesterday that SIL is also going. She's single so just her, no partner in tow.

I'm dreading it. We can't cancel as PILs have no idea that DH and SIL don't get on and we don't want to upset them by them finding out-FIL is recovering from cancer so don't want to add to stress.

I'm not really asking anything, I just wanted to vent. What was going to be a lovely summer break with PILs looks like it's going to be absolutely shite because she's going. I'm so disappointed and also quite nervous. She makes the atmosphere so horrible

She really has a bee in her bonnet, doesn't she?

"Imperialistic"??!!

Did she say it just in your hearing?

Would have been curious as to what others thought/said.

I think the sil bingo is a great idea as it can be an in joke with you and your dh. Definitely make sure you're not left alone with her. you can always post on here to vent in realtime and maybe in your head you could imagine you are just reporting it so have to remain calm and professional.
just try and have a fantastic time as that will annoy her even more.

You could all get D&V the day before. PIL can't argue with that and need never know.

A comeback to the 'only a joke' digs is to say (smilingly) 'I think you need to work on your material, you're never going to make it as a comedian if that's your standard.' Then grin insanely.

I've noticed a few threads lately about black to white racism. It isn't something I have been aware of before.

Call her on it! And call her a racist. Because that's what she is.

Cone of my SILs is a first class bitch. I've found asking her to repeat what she said with 'Sorry, I didn't quite catch that?' Infuriates her but also shuts her up when others are present.
Luckily DH knows just what she's like 😕

diddl No, she said it in front of MIL and a couple of her aunts. But she said it as a joke so they just laughed it off.

BerylStreep Me and DH were talking about this the other day. His theory is that there's a cultural milieu at the moment with things like a black US president, social media, Black Lives Matter, Beyonce being queen of the universe where not only are black people more visible as 'legitimate' citizens (i.e. in power and with money because that's what counts in capitalism) but feel empowered to call out racism or to voice their perspectives on race which was a privilege previously only really held by whites. There's also an increased focus on unconscious bias which has been good for highlighting hidden racist practice but, he reckons, has also made some people a bit bonkers and paranoid.

Or faux concern: 'poor SIL, you seem so angry all the time. Are you ok? Head tilt.

Or 'That's about the third time you have mentioned ethnicity - I'm sorry it affects you so much.'

Possibly followed up by 'It's awful that some people just can't see beyond someone's skin colour and use it as an excuse to be unpleasant.' (innocent smile)

BerylStreep perhaps it's only new in the UK but it's certainly not new in the US.

Some families want to remain "pure" to retain the culture that others have tried to take from them. Not to "dilute" it by adding someone who doesn't act the same, look the same, feel the same, and have the same issues.

It is foolish to think any one race doesn't have racism towards another race. It's probably just become more vocal recently

Pull her up on these jokes. Stock replies include:

"That's mean."
"What did you say?"
"Could you repeat that?"
"I disagree."

Don't get drawn in, don't get emotional, but treat this BS like the BS that it is, openly and without fear.

It will create an atmosphere. Others may first try to get you to back down in order to maintain the status quo. Don't give in. Just keep pointing out to your SIL that she's out of line, and eventually it is her that PIL will see as being the root cause.

Basically, just expose each an every shit statement with a short statement of your own showing that you don't like nasty behaviour.

Oh I recognise some of what she's saying about culture appropriation and black hair (from everyday feminism and upworthy and suchlike on Facebook). I would do some reading on it so you understand where she's coming from (if you don't). Not about you specifically being racist, but racism in society etc. Or just listen. It's clearly something she feels strongly about, tho she is wrong to use it as a stick to beat you with. You don't have to agree with it all, but perhaps if you view it as a different political opinion rather than personal (even if she makes it personal) you can let it wash over you more?

Really?
I'm sorry but my view would be to simply treat her like any other racist not dress it up as something worthy or justified. Simply her views are she wants to keep her bloodline pure racially and is rude to her SIL because she is white not black. I've experienced racism as well as bigotry first hand and there is nothing more hurtful to a child than hearing your parents told to go back to where they come from.
Racism is racism. I won't make any excuses for anyone. I certainly don't believe that only white people can be racist and anyone who does clearly doesn't see all people as equal if they are trying to excuse unacceptable behaviour in certain people based entirely on their ethenticity or skin colour.
Injustices have being perpetrated in the past, to blame an entire segment of society for the actions of their ancestors is just plain nuts. I don't blame every German person born after WW2 for the actions of the Nazis but according to the liberal thinkers who believe all white people today are to blame for the past injustices of the Empire then I should hold all Germans today accountable for the deaths of my relatives who perished in concentration camps. It's a ridiculous stance as is the OPs SILs stance. We learn from history but we don't allow it to hold us back or retard us emotionally or intellectually . Doesn't matter whether it's Black history or any other type.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant but people like your SIL really piss me off. Usually they are well educated , middle class and have never experienced genuine oppression themselves and their hypo racy infuriates me (l'll shut up now)

I'm going to go against the grain a little and suggest you and your DH talk to your PIL about it. You don't have to make a big fuss, just sit them down and quietly tell them of how uncomfortable your SIL behaviour makes you. You don't need to call out her obvious shortcomings as a member of the human race, just ask them to look out for you and support you if she's being obnoxious. Tell them of the comment at your wedding, and the million different digs and get their support.