My SIL hates me but now has to be locked in a cottage with me

[Jenji]

NC as this is pretty outing.

I'm white. My DH and his sister are black. SIL hates that DH has married a white woman and has made countless comments over the years to undermine me, make me look stupid and make me look like a racist, consciously or unconsciously. Her best was at my wedding where she commented very loudly with me in ear shot that she was hoping DH would see sense, chuck me soon enough and find someone of his "own kind".

Anyway, DH has told her to fuck off numerous times and we avoid like her plague. MIL and FIL booked a cottage for a summer break at the end of this month. We were invited but were under the impression it was going to be just us and PILs. We only found out yesterday that SIL is also going. She's single so just her, no partner in tow.

I'm dreading it. We can't cancel as PILs have no idea that DH and SIL don't get on and we don't want to upset them by them finding out-FIL is recovering from cancer so don't want to add to stress.

I'm not really asking anything, I just wanted to vent. What was going to be a lovely summer break with PILs looks like it's going to be absolutely shite because she's going. I'm so disappointed and also quite nervous. She makes the atmosphere so horrible

Just act like she hasn't spoken when she comes out with her comments . She'll either escalate and show herself up with her parents or stfu.

Just make sure DH does not agree to any activities that leave her alone with you.

Personally I'd wind her up with quiet only heard by her comments "I love your dress .....red is such a good colour for the fuller figure I always think" but I'm a cow 😀 SIL bingo is probably less confrontational

BlackAmericano That's a good idea.

Laxatives is a much better idea but I'm not going to. Only just in case someone else picks up her plate though

diddl Well, what she usually says is that I'm the one being racist or insensitive. For example, when I was telling MIL and a couple of aunts-in-law about a drastic hair change I was planning, she commented that I was being imperialist and insensitive talking about my hair in a room of black women who had limited hair choices That's the kind of thing I mean, just makes me look insensitive and as though race is an issue in our relationship when it's not.

Just go. She has no right to ruin your holiday. Sounds like she is jealous and racist. Luckily you have a lovely husband who sticks up for you so she will be outnumbered anyway. I can't imagine her parents will take kindly to any comments they happen to overhear either. If she does make comments just ignore her and carry on as normal then she will be the one looking bad.

Out her in front of the PILs. Why are you and other posters backing down from his horribly racist person.

A tactic I've used in the past is to deliberately take up the dig wrong as a benign comment or compliment To take trafalgargal's example : "I love your dress .....red is such a good colour for the fuller figure I always think" - my SIL would say something like this to me so I would reply along the lines of "Thanks! I couldn't believe how slim it made me look in the shop! AND it only cost twenty quid!" and give her my biggest shit-eating grin as if she'd boosted my confidence with the remark. Pissed her off no end. Watching her wrestle with figuring out how to say something that I'd take as a dig but the rest of the family would not spot was hugely entertaining.

Absolutely do SIL bingo with DH. And have cryptic side remarks to DH about who's in the lead.

And if she does say something nasty under her breath, in the calmest, conversational tone, tell her you didn't catch it and can she repeat it. This forces her into two routes - say it out loud, but now with others focused on what she's about to say, or to bail and mutter that it was nothing important (and in reply you just keep that calm tone and say "Ah ok. That's what I thought" and change the conversation.

Black women have limited hair choices ? she's nuts.

I think your husband should address the comments if she makes one, it's going to sound better coming from him.

Iamthegreatest Well that's what I thought but I wasn't going to play up to her game as she'd only use it against me - What do you know about black hair?

Imperialist oppression ! Oh one of THOSE.
I shared a uni class recently with one of those the twisted mindset was ridiculous and very tiresome. (Didn't help the class included bits of British Empire history and Windrush). We resorted to bingo and eye rolls and gratitude she wasn't in any of our other classes.

In that situation I'd go but if she goes too far I'd go home early explaining to ILs why. Clearly your ILs are decent people and will understand as they also raised your OH.

I'm actually the daughter and granddaughter of immigrants and found her ridiculous so it's nothing to do with race and everything to do with manipulation.

Definitely play SIL bingo and leave the card lying around after you have ticked off all the things she said.

Smirking at each other when she makes a comment is a good idea too.

Or laugh hysterically every time she makes one of her funny jokes.

SiL bingo is good fun. DH and I used to do it with mine when we still had anything to do with them.

Digs about fat, where we lived, how we weren't terribly, terribly rich and successful, how I'd not made much of my life and so on and so forth. Helps if you have different ones, so you can grin at each other when one gets one the other thought was too outrageous or petty.

Maybe occasionally ask her if she's enjoying herself.

Lots of fun.

she commented that I was being imperialist and insensitive talking about my hair in a room of black women who had limited hair choices.

What a load of pure and utter nonsense. If she doesn't know what to do with her hair that's not your problem.

I'm black and my white friends are always saying my hairstyles change so often and that I can do so much with it. In fact I remember when I left my last job they said we'll miss Sandy and her different styles now.

I now conclude that she's simply jealous. Stupid and ignorant, but fundamentally jealous. She needs a man of her own and she'd have less time to be bothering you.

Your SIL is crazy.

The only thing I have a different view on is you not wanting DH to keep standing up for you. I think he should continue. It shows his loyalty towards you. He's doing his best, the only thing I'd have done in his position earlier on in the marriage is to let his parents know.

Didn't RTFT, but I have found that direct challenges work really well eg- calmly: "That is an inappropriate and unacceptable comment" when it is really bad - and with more oblique comments, a 'warm' refutation, as though you think the better of them, that they are idly thinking out loud, haven't made up their mind yet and want your opinion... eg - "Yes, I suppose you could look at it that way, but it might come across as ignorant and small-minded, don't you think?" then change the subject...

Engineer things so that you are never alone with her on this trip. Get your husband on board with this.

Kill her with kindness and smile, smile, smile.

She may escalate and explode and then at least her nasty little PA ways will be exposed for ALL to see.

PA stuff is awful. The behaviour is designed to fly under the radar because they are cowards. Plus, as you know only too well, decent people don't want to upset others so there you are worrying about your PILs and their happiness. This (understandably) makes you want to play down the problem, giving her an open playing field for her dirty tricks.

Practice smiling and responding in front of a mirror until you see SIL as an annoying caricature from a sitcom or something. Mentally note her usual hobby-horses and get glib, off-the-cuff responses ready so that you don't pause or get caught out when she trots them out.

Practice what you will say:-

SIL: You are so insensitive as black women have limited hair choices.

YOU: But SIL, you have the most beautiful hair I've ever seen. Who needs lots of mediocre choices when you have a head of hair like yours?

Really lay it on - be ingratiatingly sickly-sweet but sound as sincere as you can, not sarcastic.

She can hardly bitch that you are complimenting her, can she?

Keep repeating whilst looking at yourself in the mirror:
'Was that supposed to be a joke because jokes are supposed to be funny'
PA smile and head tilt!
Repeat until you are comfortable saying it.
Then use and repeat whilst on holiday.
And then;
'Wow, that's some serious projection you have going on there'
PA smile and head tilt!!

first you need to master your 'bitch, please... !' face then be bold and be brave.

You are not racist but she is incredibly prejudiced.

If this was my sister (my sister is a bitch and with comments like this) I get my revenge subtly.

She's trying to lose weight and likes to point out I am fat (busted foot and 5 mths of pain, yeah I put on weight) so I make a point of always taking an leaving huge cakes when I have to visit her.

She told me off for showing too much cleavage around her husband that I bought a t-shirt with naked breasts printed on the front and wore it to one of her parties (not kids or formal btw) . She hasn't mentioned my cleavage since

I bought a t-shirt with naked breasts printed on the front and wore it to one of her parties

Laughed out loud at this

Oh thanks everyone. You're all so much calmer than me. She gets to me. I let her get to me. I need to stop. You're all awesome.

If anyone make a dig at me, even under their breath I repeat it back as a question -so
You've put on weight
You think I've put on weight? The wait for answer, if they don't reply just keep waiting with a smile on your face and don't be tempted to fill the silence.
Then, How much weight do you think I've put on?
Since when do you think I've put on weight? Do you think I need to lose weight now then? And on and on
I do it in a very calm and genuinely interested manner and find it REALLY messes with people.

God that's hard - I do like the "SIL Bingo card" idea though, and agree that your DH must do his level best to make sure you're never left alone with her.

I totally see why you don't want to raise the ante and risk upsetting your PILs, so think maybe any of the responses that would be PA or "outing" her rudeness wouldn't be a great plan; but the option to just widely smile and carry on is good, or just smile in a slightly puzzled way and then ignore.

Most importantly, DO NOT get upset by her - that's her aim (as you no doubt know).
And take LOTS of alcohol and chocolate. Or cake. Or all of them.

Fantastic article called "The Dance of Deflection" below. Please read if you have a moment, as I really think it could help you.

webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:Nw0bbpP8JvMJ:www.cmhamj.com/pamphlets/Personal%2520Development/0103.pdf+&cd=5&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=uk

So if she has, say, 5 jokey digs in one night she'll only do it in front of them once, then in front of someone else once, then someone else

I think you need to disarm her when it comes to these jokes. So every time she makes a barbed comment, repeat it back to her minus the jokey tone of voice. And when you hear her say something for the second, third or fourth time (but in front of a different family member) just say "Tsk SIL, you already said that in front of X, remember?"

But do all of this with a smile on your face so you can't be accused of being a bitch.

She makes these comments because she gets away with it, so it'll piss her off if she gets pulled up on it every. single. time.

Another technique is to imagine yourself holding up a sign that says
" fuck off" - you can even put your hand in position, makes them wonder wtf you are doing and it also usually makes me smile.
Another one is to imagine them wearing a " truth" banner around their neck, so it would say something like
" I'm being a cow to you because i'm deeply unhappy"

The hair comment doesn't make you sound insensitive but it does make her sound like a bit of an idiot.