Flaky boyfriend

[GeordieBadgers]

Disclaimer: I have borderline personality disorder so AIBU has become my go-to place for insight into whether my reactions are reasonable in certain circumstances.

My boyfriend is FLAKY AS HELL. He's late for our meetings 90% of the time, and he often changes plans at the last minute. He's 34 and I'm 33 if that matters. We were supposed to be meeting today at 1 and he's JUST moved that to 6pm due to a work meeting. I was busy getting ready when I found out.

AIBU to have the rage? I feel frustrated and tearful. Once in a while would be acceptable but almost every time we're due to meet?? He says I'm a drama queen.

Who is BU?

Surely work has to come first?

He is BU.

Why are you with him? I wouldn't want to put up with someone who moved meetings at last minute and was late 90% of the time. How long have you been together?

I hate when my boyfriends do that too, always changing their price and moving appointments, I mean dates!

Been together 4 months.

Yes work is important but his flakiness is not always work-related. It's pretty much everything.

Does anyone have any advice? LTB is an obvious option, but I do enjoy our relationship aside from his flakiness.

A work meeting is a pretty good reason though.... Although if his work is often subject to change it's best to make it clear when making an arrangement that it might change.

I have a very changeable job and also two DCs. It means I do sometimes have to cancel or rearrange dates. I hope I'm not classed as flaky because of it, as I do my very best to make sure I am reliable and make it clear when an arrangement might not be firm.

Might he be in a similar situation?

The other lateness, is it 10-15 minutes or always hours?

His usual lateness varies between 10 and 30minutes and it's very often.

I don't really think that's a huge deal, especially if he lets you know his ETA. And it sounds like today is unavoidable.

Do you think perhaps your BPD is making you view these instances as big rejections when perhaps it's more a case of him just having a more flexible view of timings?

Perhaps a better way of looking at it is to treat the times you arrange to meet as being 'around'. So if he says meet at 3pm, treat it as around 3pm. Sounds like that's what he does. So don't rush, allow yourself time to get there and take a book or magazine incase he's a bit late. Don't stress about being there bang on yourself. If you're otherwise happy a bit of fairly low grade lateness doesn't seem like a LTB issue.

Persistent lateness would annoy me but cancelling a date due to a work meeting wouldn't.

Thanks guys. I just feel as though he's taking the piss. I feel like he doesn't appreciate me otherwise he wouldn't do this. If you care for someone you wouldn't want to upset/frustrate them on a regular basis, surely?

No, but you might not expect them to get so upset and frustrated over such a minor issue. Some people do just tend to run on a clock set 15 minutes behind everyone else, and it's just a minor personal failing, not a real deal breaker.

There's two ways you can look at this. One (which I think is very much influenced by your BPD) is that this is a real problem, a rejection and it shows that he doesn't care about you or upsetting you and that's a major issue. The other (which I think is a less BPD way of looking at it) is that it's a minor annoyance which isn't personal and can be dealt with by adapting and viewing arrival times a bit more flexibly and perhaps building into your own timings a little leeway to acknowledge he's probably not going to be there bang on the dot and you don't have to be either. Given that you say you are otherwise happy I would go for the second one.

I think you are bigging this up into much more of an issue than it needs to be by taking it very personally when it sounds like it's just the way he is rather than a personal rejection.

If he's late/changing arrangements at the last minute right now, and you've only been together 4 months, you have to accept that he is showing you who he is. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. If it is, break it off! Otherwise you'll get stuck in a relationship that makes you miserable... which is a fairly pointless thing to do to yourself. Decide if it's a deal breaker or not, just stop sitting on the fence.

Do you always make yourself available when he changes plans? Always wait when he is late? Sounds like it.

Be less available. Don't be available at 6 if you are annoyed at the time move. Do something else.

Leave if he is late. Or wander off somewhere after texting him so he has to track you down.

You are not at his beck and call. Your time, your plans are as valuable as his. Act accordingly.

If it's a massive deal breaker, which it is for some people then leave. Otherwise, accept he's likely to be give minutes late. My whole family tend to struggle with punctuality. I tend to not be great either and I work in events which are notorious time sinks. My ex used to get super angry and upset with me. He'd tell me that every minute I was late was a sign of my disregard for him and my thoughtlessness and rudeness. Didn't get me to be punctual. Meant I ended up getting out of a major event an hour late to a ranty text from him, burst into tears and dumped him.

If it's ten minutes and he keeps you updated just build in the extra faff time, and give him a break if major things come up. If you can't do that, then leave. Constant arguments over punctuality won't make either of you happy.

I think quite a few people are responding who don't really understand that this is something that is going to be very tied into your BPD and you may not view it in an entirely realistic way. Are you having treatment, do you have a counsellor or therapist you can discuss this with who will understand how difficult you will find this in terms of seeing it as a personal rejection?

Someone being constantly 10 to 30 minutes late would annoy me, having to reschedule because of work not so much. That said if they new time didn't work for me I say so and cancel or offer another time. Could you do that?

Cancelling due to work is annoying, but it's just one of those things that happens occasionally. I think work has to come first (especially in such a new relationship) so I don't think it's fair to get angry at him for that.

The persistent lateness would really irritate me, though. It smacks of "I'll just turn up whenever I fancy, even though I told you I'd be there by x, and you can just sit around and wait for me because I'm so important."

I once had a friend who used to turn up an HOUR late sometimes. She just didn't care and would happily leave you waiting and then swan in with no apology. We're not friends anymore!

The lateness is annoying, granted. However, moving a weekday lunch meetup because of work sounds like no issue at all. What should he do, say sorry I can't attend the important meeting because I am having a lunchtime coffee with my girlfriend.

I think you need to show a bit more understanding and empathy. You sound like quite hard work.

mitel was it really necessary to say to someone with a personality disorder that they sound like 'hard work' when she's posted here admitting that she might not always react reasonably due to her illness.

Empathy.....

It's two separate issues really. My DH has a job that potentially has very long and very variable hours. If he has to work last minute or stay later than planned, I'm fine with that. We'd have a load of unnecessary tension otherwise.
But there's a crucial difference. He is very apologetic if this occurs, and apart from that he is extremely punctual and reliable.

You have BPD so I'm guessing you'll have a very emotional reaction to this sort of stuff. And it must be hard to unpick through what is you being unreasonable and what is him treating you shabbily.
So perhaps as a rule of thumb, look at it from the perspective of how much of his unreliability is work-related and how much is just him being disorganised or not making the effort, and also how apologetic he is.

You are worthy of being treated respectfully and being valued. I certainly wouldn't feel very valued if I was kept waiting for up to half an hour on a regular basis. I'd be very hurt and angry.

Persistent lateness would absolutely be a deal breaker for me and I view it as a major, not a minor defect.

When someone consistently lets you down, is late, makes last minute changes, what they are telling you, loud and clear, is that you are unimportant and a low priority. Dreadfully rude. I would ditch him but only you can decide whether it's acceptable to you or not OP.

I don't think you are over reacting or that it is BPD related. I think it's just that some of us think lateness is rude and boorish and some of us the late fuckers don't.