Flaky boyfriend

[GeordieBadgers]

Disclaimer: I have borderline personality disorder so AIBU has become my go-to place for insight into whether my reactions are reasonable in certain circumstances.

My boyfriend is FLAKY AS HELL. He's late for our meetings 90% of the time, and he often changes plans at the last minute. He's 34 and I'm 33 if that matters. We were supposed to be meeting today at 1 and he's JUST moved that to 6pm due to a work meeting. I was busy getting ready when I found out.

AIBU to have the rage? I feel frustrated and tearful. Once in a while would be acceptable but almost every time we're due to meet?? He says I'm a drama queen.

Who is BU?

you have to accept that he is showing you who he is

Yeah, and I'm not sure who that is. Disorganised or apathetic. I'm not sure. How to tell?

Be less available. Don't be available at 6 if you are annoyed at the time move. Do something else.

I had considered that, but after kicking off, he came at 1pm as originally arranged. Really hate kicking off though. I shouldn't have to do it.

Or wander off somewhere after texting him so he has to track you down.

Sounds a lot like game-playing which I hoped I wouldn't have to do in adulthood :( Seems it's still required.

You are not at his beck and call. Your time, your plans are as valuable as his. Act accordingly.

I totally agree, but her's the hard part - HE CHANGES THINGS AT THE LAST MINUTE. So I do not have time to make alternative plans.

BillSykesDog I'm on the waiting list for DBT.

It smacks of "I'll just turn up whenever I fancy, even though I told you I'd be there by x, and you can just sit around and wait for me because I'm so important."

Indeed it does!

KayTee87 I doubt mitel the keyboard worrier will be back to defend/explain her comment.

You are worthy of being treated respectfully and being valued. I certainly wouldn't feel very valued if I was kept waiting for up to half an hour on a regular basis. I'd be very hurt and angry.

This.

I don't have BPD as far as I know, however I wouldn't be able to cope with a friend, let alone a boyfriend who did this CONSTANTLY.

I appreciate sometimes, things happen and stuff comes up and people are either late, or have to cancel - fair enough... but to do it constantly is incredibly rude and suggests that their time is far more important than yours.

I had a friend who was constantly late 'Sorry... sorry, I forgot to put petrol in the car before hand and there was a queue at the petrol station... Sorry! Just had to phone my mum as we're going out tomorrow and had to arrange what time she's coming over to mine... Sorrrrrrry! Totally forgot the time and was in the bath when I realised I needed to get going'

We aren't friends any more.

I doubt you'll get a satisfactory answer on this one.
I can't stand flaky people, and I can't stand repeated lateness either so my perspective on this would be that he's taking the piss.
One offs happen. Work related inconveniences happen. But if someone is late frequently, or messing around with confirmed arrangements then for me they're taking the piss AND they're flaky and they'd be removed from my life. I've no time or inclination for that shit.

That would annoy me too. What about turning up late yourself, you might actually turn up together! or he'll be waiting for you, see how he likes that.

Be completely straight with him. Either he sorts it out or you're out. Don't play games.

If you've got to 'kick off' to get him to do as originally agreed this isn't the relationship for either of you.

Sounds a lot like game-playing which I hoped I wouldn't have to do in adulthood sad Seems it's still required

It's really not. Don't take this frankly terrible advice! Be the grown up and use words to SAY what you mean, don't play games. You tell him: I do not want to be with someone who is always late or changes plans. You can choose whether to do better or to end the relationship.

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

Persistent lateness and messing around with plans is a deal breaker for me. Obviously plans need to flex occaisionally but it sounds like he's taking the piss.
Have you already voiced your disappointment? Personally I'd be out of this relationship already. But have you talked to him about his disregard for you/ plans together?

I don't like him calling you a drama queen for not wanting him to keep messing you around. I would seriously consider saying you have very different attitudes to life and you don't think this is working. If he does it once more that would definitely be it for me, and I wouldn't blame you for ending it now.

10mins later so far tonight.

I liked the idea of making myself unavailable. Any ideas how to do this at the last minute?

Well, if you arrange a 6pm meet up, get there at 7pm.

If you see he's ringing you a few hours before you're due to meet, don't answer. Don't reply either to any text or message he sends asking you to rearrange. Then he can't be sure you have got the message and has to face the possibility that you may be standing there at 1pm not knowing he intended to push it back to 6pm. Also, if he tries to rearrange, say you've just that day made arrangement to do X instead with workmates or whatever at that time so you don't want to let them down now. And/or be prepared to say 'Actually, let's just leave it then till next time/week' rather than accepting the new arrangement. It might feel more comfortable to have a reason for declining, but you can just refuse if it's not what you want. Remember, normal rules of politeness and consideration aren't being observed by him, so for me that releases you from those obligations too.

Like others have said, best not to play games really, if he can't be asked, then maybe you shouldn't be either.

Some people are always late. MY DH told me he broke up with an Ex for that reason. He especially couldn't take her being late for the cinema.

His work today sounds unavoidable, but realise you can't make him change in regards to the other frequent lateness. If you can't deal with it, then you need to bow out of the R.