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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling a bit mistreated.

40 replies

SummerRosie321 · 06/07/2016 14:04

So I'm engaged to a guy who's usually amazing bit he has his off moments. Our situation isn't great as he's on a 0 hour contract and I'm not working so we're around each other a lot. Anyway we agreed to go down town about 11 ish but he still hasn't gotten up. I went to wake him up about half hour ago and he turned over, grabbed my arm and slammed me back wards in to the wall. Enough to make me Scream in pain. Then he's just rolled back over to sleep. I'm currently laid down on my sofa feeling sorry for myself and just nwe'd a bit of a rant. Thanks for reading and sorry if I don't make sense.

OP posts:
Getit · 06/07/2016 14:06

That sounds like more than "an off moment"
Are you ok?
Does he usually lie in bed most of the day?

Original poster
SummerRosie321 · 06/07/2016 14:10

The bed things normal, his contract is for nights and he sometimes only gets a days warning of shifts. I'm ok just a bit in shock. Worst he's ever been before is a bit sulky so this really isn't like him.

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 06/07/2016 14:12

How many off moments does he have?

He put his hands on you and hurt you. This is not the act of an amazing man. Amazing men don't push you around.

I think you need to look at your relationship and decided if being hurt on a regular basis is what you want.

MyKingdomForBrie · 06/07/2016 14:12

I wouldn't still be sitting there lovely. This is completely unacceptable, he has 'off moments' - what do they normally look like?

Now that he has escalated to violence he is unlikely to stop at that.

Original poster
SummerRosie321 · 06/07/2016 14:21

He's never laid a finger on me before. Last time I saw him be violent was 9 years ago when he was about 13. He's been my rock throgh me getting my life back together. He came of his anti depression tablets when he realised they were making him snap at me. Everything he does he thinks of me. I think part of me doesn't want to believe it and is just saying that he was asleep so didn't know it was me, self defence in his dream kind of thing.

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 06/07/2016 15:06

You need to leave.

RestlessTraveller · 06/07/2016 15:07

Sorry I pressed post too soon, but actually
when I think about it there's nothing more really to say.

Original poster
SummerRosie321 · 06/07/2016 16:06

Ok now I'm more worried about him. He's burning up a bit and been thrashing about. I know I should be leaving him but I can't. Not when he's in this state.he's normally a light sleeper and takes him ages to sleep but I gave him a few sips of water and he just fell asleep again.

OP posts:
wonkylampshade · 06/07/2016 16:07

He's not a baby- leave him to it. What an arsehole.

wonkylampshade · 06/07/2016 16:10

Honestly, read your last post.... In the nicest possible way, you're speaking about him as though he's a poorly toddler except he isn't. He's a grown man who has assaulted you, and you're making excuses for him. I absolutely despair when I read posts like yours, why oh why do woman have such non-existent behavioural standards where these spoiled brats men are concerned? It's really sad.

ImperialBlether · 06/07/2016 16:12

Exactly what wonkylampshade says.

And is he sleeping in just in case he has to go to work tonight? I don't think that's how it works, is it?

Original poster
SummerRosie321 · 06/07/2016 16:13

I know he's an arse but he's a shit actor. He can't fake being ill. I'm staying until his dad gets here in a few hours. I need to pack anyway and he's out of it.

OP posts:
OrianaBanana · 06/07/2016 16:15

Alarm bells rang at this:

Our situation isn't great as he's on a 0 hour contract and I'm not working so we're around each other a lot.

Why is being around him a lot 'not great'?

Anyway he may be ill but even ill people don't generally slam people into walls. You can see that's not acceptable?

wonkylampshade · 06/07/2016 16:16

He's not just your average arse, he's a violent arse.

Moistly · 06/07/2016 16:18

Why do you need to pack?

Original poster
SummerRosie321 · 06/07/2016 16:19

I don't think he's working tonight. but he's not a heavy sleeper that's what's worrying me. Yes he lashed out but I'm not sure if he woke up. He didn't even flinch when I screamed. Maybe I am delusional but he's normally up by now. Somethings off with him.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 06/07/2016 16:20

in the nicest possible way, you're speaking about him as though he's a poorly toddler except he isn't.

Sadly many women treat the men in their lives like this and the men seem to enjoy it Hmm. However, it all wears pretty thin when an actual baby/toddler comes along, I'd suggest you get yourself away from this relationship and have a think about why you're infantilising and making excuses for horrible behaviour from fully grown men.

NameChange30 · 06/07/2016 16:23

"He came of his anti depression tablets when he realised they were making him snap at me."

Anti depressants do not "make" a person snap at someone else.
Neither does alcohol or any other substance.
The person choose to do it. Their inhibitions might be lowered by medication, alcohol or drugs, their mood might be worsened by depression, but their behaviour is their responsibility.

I suggest you read these signs of emotional abuse to see if your fiancé does anything on the list. You could also read the warning signs and the abuser profiles (pay particular attention to the section about depression and other mental health issues).

Are you looking for a job? It would not be a good idea to be financially dependent on this man with the relationship as it currently stands.

It also goes without saying that you should not marry him or pay any deposits for the wedding, not while you have justifiable doubts.

Original poster
SummerRosie321 · 06/07/2016 16:26

I'm packing to stay at my dads for a few nights. I don't have anything thing there and I want all my paper work.

He sort of grabbed my arm and shover if that makes sense he didn't even get up to do it. Laid down the enitire time.

Either way I'm leaving. I just don't want to leave this relationship on a bad note in my head.

OP posts:
Moistly · 06/07/2016 16:28

What else has been happening that's made you decide to leave today?

Original poster
SummerRosie321 · 06/07/2016 16:36

Trust me he only gets treared like a kid when he's I'll. The rest off the time hes perfectly happy to do anything.

AnotherEmma aside from the snapping I can't think of any other signs that he's show. But my ex matches a lot of this. And when he was snapping it was at everyone not just me. It was like a different person. But he when he came off them all that dissappeared

The benefits all in my name with him added on so I can kick him off off that makes sense. I don't really care about flat deposit he can keep that.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 06/07/2016 16:39

What do you mean - you claim benefits as a couple but you're the main claimant? The most important thing is the tenancy agreement - is that in your name, his name or both?

Original poster
SummerRosie321 · 06/07/2016 16:41

moistly there's been nothing else happened. I just don't know anymore. It's braking my heart. But Ive been in 1 severely abusive relationship and I don't want it to happen again.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 06/07/2016 16:44

Have you done the Freedom Programme, OP? If not, it might be a good idea.

Given that you're only 21 I definitely suggest taking some time to be single for a while (to put your abusive ex well behind you) and taking any new relationship slowly ie not rushing to live together or get engaged.

Just my two cents.

Original poster
SummerRosie321 · 06/07/2016 16:44

Tenancys in both. I was claimin esa before we lived together so we just added him to mine when we moved in together.

OP posts: