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Original poster

He's been sexting

46 replies

Springheeled · 20/06/2016 04:01

I have discovered a few day's worth of sexting- we have been together more than a year. I feel like my world have turned upside down and I have lost my best friend.
Is there any way that I can forgive it and the relationship can survive?

OP posts:
Saltfish · 20/06/2016 04:11

You could...but the problem is why would you want to only a year in? If he's doing it this early on in the relationship he'll have form to do it again. I've seen it happen a million times on here. It won't be different for you. I'm so sorry luv. Flowers

Saltfish · 20/06/2016 04:14

Also never tolerate behaviour from a partner that you wouldn't tolerate from a friend. You're worth more than this.

It's funny the older I get the more I realise people's behaviour has very little to do with you and more to do with them. Repeat this over and over to yourself.

Original poster
Springheeled · 20/06/2016 04:26

That's true Saltfish, about the behaviour.
I am just so gutted.
I just want everything to be the way it was

OP posts:
Original poster
Springheeled · 20/06/2016 04:28

The weird thing is that the sexting was just so crap. It was like they were both sexting at each other. I feel sick. Can't sleep. Work tomorrow :(

OP posts:
PPie10 · 20/06/2016 06:15

I'm sorry you had to find that he truly is like this but look at it this way, it's only a year and early enough to cut your losses.
If he couldn't care, love or respect you enough after only a year then there's not much to look forward to is there? You've found out what he's really like, you deserve much better.

Original poster
Springheeled · 20/06/2016 06:39

Not a wink of sleep. I'm in shock still. Yes, it's only been a year and a couple of months but it was not a casual thing at all. I just don't get it, I really don't get it- there was nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springheeled · 20/06/2016 07:00

The horrible thing is that it wasn't a 'love' thing, it was literally some random and the conversation went from hi to sex within about three messages.
So it's cheating, but not physical or emotional, it's like a porn thing? I just don't understand it and I don't understand how I am supposed to respond.
i just feel sick and don't know how the hell I am going to explain it all to anyone or get through work this week.
How do people deal with things like this???

OP posts:
PPie10 · 20/06/2016 08:09

I think that because it went from hi to sex in 3 messages shows how willing he is to take it that far so quickly. To me that is cheating.
Would you trust him on a night out, company with other single people or having just female friends in general? He's proved to you the type of guy he really is. It may not have been physical but it still comes down to a breakdown of trust and respect for you. I'm sorry I know this must be awful to go through but really it's better you find out now than investing more time in him.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/06/2016 08:12

So sorry lovely what a huge shock this is for you

My point is you don't have to explain anything to anyone, you do whatever it takes to protect yourself first of all. When the dust settles then you can think about what information you give out, this is his shame to have not yours remember.

Flowers
Lyndsaylou84 · 20/06/2016 08:14

What site or app was he on? I agree if he's doing it this early into a relationship he'll most definitely do it again. After a year you should still be in the happy "honeymoon" period where nobody else exists. Why don't
you call in sick to work today to get your head around it?

TheNaze73 · 20/06/2016 08:18

I see two options here.

  1. bin him off immediately. It may not be physical but, emotionally he's cheating

  2. find out from him, why on earth, when your relationship is only in its infancy, is he sexting other women. What bits of a fulfilling relationship, is he not getting?

My option would always be 1. Your the prize OP

Nobloodynamesleft · 20/06/2016 08:27

Been there! This is how you should handle it: you go in strong, heavy, overreact, finish it. If he's just got himself in a mess (!) and it can be worked out, then that will show in time. For now get rid. You absolutely have to show her has crossed the line and it's unacceptable. It's his dirty little secret, nor yours. Make sure people know. Yuk!

ForestFruits12 · 20/06/2016 08:38

I hope you are ok OP . .That must have been horrible to see, especially if you thought all was really good between you.

Can I ask how you found the messages? Did you feel like he was hiding something?

I'm not sure if you live together yet, but maybe you need to take a day or 2 to get your head together, you sound (understandably) upset, so confronting might just end up turning into a hysterical argument.

sending love x

Original poster
Springheeled · 20/06/2016 08:58

I've confronted him already. He says it was madness, he hates himself, he loves me, it's unforgivable, it's been a difficult time of change. I have blocked him. I'm now in the loo at work sobbing in shock and I just feel so lost.
Yes, I suppose it was a relationship in its infancy but it was a deep one and all talk was of forever etc (from him)

OP posts:
Original poster
Springheeled · 20/06/2016 08:59

I know it can't be the sex as there are absolutely zero problems in that department. I think it's the attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springheeled · 20/06/2016 08:59

All plans for the future just gone just like that

OP posts:
olijdc · 20/06/2016 09:09

Been through this and I'm still with him. First time I found him sexting I was 3 months pregnant and it was the worst experience in my life. Second, I found him liking pictures on social media of naked girls etc. After that he hid a number on his phone of a girl from work. After that we broke up for a couple weeks, we got back together, moved into our new home then a few weeks later found out he had naked pictures of his ex on his phone and had been speaking to other girls and ringing them etc whilst he was working and I was at home with our child.

I'm still with him and I think about it all everyday, I was never angry at him for longer than a day and I wish I left him from the first time he messed up, almost feel like it's too late now. May I add we've only been together 2 years...

It's been 6 months since the last incident and everything is going great atm but I'm still so paranoid everyday. I guess I'm saying you can either cut your losses now and eventually move on or be where I am now..

AnyFucker · 20/06/2016 09:21

Oli...what would it take for you to end it ? Confused

olijdc · 20/06/2016 09:23

I think it's the fact nothing physical has happened and I'm so scared of being on my own. I ask myself the same thing all the time

Nobloodynamesleft · 20/06/2016 09:30

You're doing the right thing. Go in hard. Give it at least a week of you saying it's over and see what materialises. If you don't go in hard now and then get back together, he won't know what was at stake.

We had just conceived when I found out. The messages were from the first 6 months of our relationship when things had been a bit dodgy, it was just unfortunate that I found them at such a bad time. I read all the message trails and could see it was a friendship that had crossed the line. Of course dp was equally to blame, but I could see that she was bored in her relationship and encouraging him for the attention. I could get passed it but it still irks me today and caused so many problems; mainly cos he wasn't the person I thought he was. Such slimy behaviour. Fwiw we've never had any other problems in this area. I trust him 100% regarding women. He knows it's over if anything happens like this again.

AnyFucker · 20/06/2016 09:30

if nothing "physical" has happened (which I doubt) it is only a matter of time until it does

and how would you know ?

Nobloodynamesleft · 20/06/2016 09:34

I meant to add it depends on the nature of the messages too. This woman was asking dp if he thought she was gorgeous and he'd say yes you're gorgeous. They'd also giggle about a time they'd kissed behind her husband's back (prior to me). I don't think I could've taken him back for overtly sexual messages.

Chocolate123 · 20/06/2016 09:35

If he's being doing this after a year what would he do after 5 or more years? Get out now while you can. It's hard but would be much harder if there were kids.

olijdc · 20/06/2016 09:39

I think I know it's never going to work, but every time I've tried to end it it's either been at the wrong time or I've just not been strong enough

CantAffordtoLive · 20/06/2016 09:47

It's great being on your own, you get to make all your own decisions, spend money on what you want, you get the bed to yourself, you don't have to put up with sulking, clearing up after anyone else.. the list is endless.

I do wonder where we are going wrong in society when women are so afraid of being alone, are so desperate to be in a relationship they are prepared to put up with so much shit!