Arse

[Summerlovinf]

I have been seeing a man for around 9 months. He is the most thoughtful, attentive, kind man I've dated for years. And he's very keen on seeing this as long term. We've had a lot of fun together including nice trips away also seen a few difficult things together recently. All my friends are delighted and really like him and see both of us really happy.

Friday night however, we were out and at the end of the night we were making arrangements with other people. He went to ask his friend something. Friend was in a small group including a woman I don't know. My bf went over and greeted the woman with a huge hug and grabbed her bum and fondled it. When I went over I was introduced by someone else as bf's gf. The woman said 'you're not bf's gf...his gf is blonde'. Now I don't think he has another gf, I think she's referring to his ex, who is blonde. I am angry and upset about him grabbing a woman's arse and what that says about his real attitude to women. She didn't seem to mind at all so I'm guessing there's some kind of history but really I would have been surprised if he had greeted me like that. if one of his friends did that to me I'd think they were a right creep. And if my ex did it to me I'd be livid. I haven't spoken to him about it because of having visitors and a wedding to go to yesterday. He knows there is something up. We have quite a lot of plans for the summer including a holiday booked. At the moment I can hardly look at him. I don't know how to discuss this or what to do. My default position is LTB. I was hoping I wouldn't have to with this one.

I think you should talk to him about it- if there are issues ie other woman at least you know now rather than in 6m. Really hope it works out for you x

Probably six to one & half a dozen of the other but, if its bothering you, just ask him

I'd be very concerned with my partner groping another person in such a way, and I'd be seriously questioning how seriously he actually thought about me. Only you can have that conversation with him, and I appreciate you have made financial commitments such as a holiday it's hard to back out, especially when you're looking forwards to it, but if I were in your position I'd seriously be considering the relationship.

What do you mean The Naze?

Thanks Boogers...yes this bothers me. I can't imagine most of my friend's husbands doing this to me. If one did I'd consider him a creep.

That would be a deal breaker for me. Completely. Groping another woman in front of you?! So disrespectful. Ugh.

What I mean is, it sounds like a misunderstanding and probably looked worse than it was

I was completely sober btw as I was driving. How can hands all over arse be misconstrued? And then there was the strange conversation with the woman and I think bf was keeping a low profile at that point. He didn't hang around to do the introductions. It was very awkward.

Thanks for clarifying The Naze...the thing is also I've been in situations like this with my ex and explained it away/accepted I was over reacting...only I wasn't.

"My bf went over and greeted the woman with a huge hug and grabbed her bum and fondled it"

How can you misunderstand that?

Groping another woman in front of you is horribly disrespectful to you. And I suspect that there actually is a blonde girlfriend around somewhere as well.

Sleazebag. Sorry.

It's not acceptable in any way, for any reason.

But is he worth giving the chance to apologise and to commit to never doing anything like that again?

Huge hug, yes fine. Have often greeted male and female friends this way if I haven't seen them in a while. Grab on bum? Totally not on.

We are all quite touchy feely in that friendship group...as in hugs and dancing. My bf plays in the band so I often dance with his friends, I hug them and I'm cuddly with my girlfriends. But it's never groping. Also, this was a stranger to me, it was awkward, he seemed to wriggle out of the situation while I was left in an awkward conversation and he didn't introduce me. Also he went off later said he was going to walk home if there wasn't room in my car and when I went to find him he was talking to another woman (think his friends ex wife). I'm not the jealous type and he couldn't be more open and affectionate with me but really...?

The stoic....I'm considering that but won't he just do it when I'm not there? Or be more discrete? Would that be ok as long as I don't see it?

That's up to you to decide, summer. Only you can decide whether he's genuine and worth a second chance.

And no, I wouldn't want to be with someone who only respects me while I'm watching.

So there's the grab on the bum, there's the didn't want to introduce you, there's the woman's reference to a blonde girlfriend, there's the "I'm going to walk home" and then talking to another woman.

It's all there. You just need to add it up.

I wouldn't like this, as it would make me feel a bit silly, but I wouldn't end a relationship over it. I'm one of those people who keeps some of my exes as friends, and I can imagine a jokey situation in which one of them might hug me and grab my bum for a laugh. It wouldn't mean anything to either of us , but I can see it would be humiliating for our current partners. I would probably just let it lie, unless there were any other issues or it happened again.

He sounds quite disrespectful and untrustworthy

I think you should trust your gut on this. 9 months and the mask is starting to slip........

I would talk to him, and start making an exit plan if things didn't shape up the way I wanted them to.

How you've managed to keep your feelings about this under wraps, is beyond me. I would have gone batshit. Mind you, he is behaving just like my ExH, who had multiple affairs, so my radar for cheats is finely tuned. I'm sorry, but he sounds like a sleaze to me.

Summer other posters have it right, that if he's behaving like this with you 9 months into your relationship then it doesn't really bode well for the long term.

Have your holiday, enjoy your time there, but seriously consider if you can be with someone who gropes other women in front of you. Personally, I find it very disrespectful.

How you've managed to keep your feelings about this under wraps, is beyond me

Yes it's been awful because I have people staying for the weekend who have been put up at his rather than my house so there hasn't been enough alone time to tackle. But also, I'm kind of afraid of my feelings on this and probably avoiding it. I'm really disappointed and I know he will be devastated if I finish with him.

He sounds a bit dodgy to me.

Trust your gut. It's the one that knows your values and your limits. Nobody else's standards count.

I feel really sad about it. Everything was fun and good...I almost don't believe what I saw but I must believe my eyes...hes been sending me things about the holiday...I think I need to tell him that he's blown it. I have a problem with boyfriends who feel other women's arses in front of me and then leave me to awkward conversations. Anyone think I'm over reacting?