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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH unkind to DD tonight

44 replies

Bensam335 · 09/06/2016 22:43

We are generally a happy family but there is a problem underneath. DH is easily irritated and tonight he has really upset dd 8yrs. He's done nothing but go on and on at her tonight for various things. She's been tearful due to a painful foot but that didn't put him off. He accused her of not brushing her teeth properly and proceeded to do it for her but hurt her in the process after which she was crying. I was seeing to other DC. She then tells me later that he pushed her hard and told her to grow up. This isn't how a loving dad should behave is it - or am I being over protective? I currently feel like slapping him hard across his face!

OP posts:
Howmuchisthatdoggyinthewindow · 09/06/2016 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teddy1970 · 09/06/2016 22:49

No you're not being oversensitive, what your DH has done is nothing short of bullying, your poor DD, I bet she feels really upset about this, you need to fight her corner OP.

Original poster
Bensam335 · 09/06/2016 22:53

I asked him about the pushing and he denied it at first but became sheepish and sort of confessed when I said I would speak to DD about not telling the truth if that was the case. He couldn't really deny it then but has sulked since and gone off to bed early.

OP posts:
Mycraneisfixed · 09/06/2016 22:54

Let DH see to younger DD and you see to older DD. And tell DH to back off.

Somerville · 09/06/2016 22:58

He is verbally abusive and physically abusive to your child. You're not being over-protective - if anything you have under-reacted, perhaps because his abusive behaviour has crept up on you and gradually got worse?

Wolfiefan · 09/06/2016 22:59

He pushed her and lied about it? Huge red flags.
It's not ok.

NameChange30 · 09/06/2016 22:59

"Easily irritated"?!!!
He is abusive.
This is child abuse.
Does he abuse you as well?

apatheticfallacy · 09/06/2016 23:00

That's not good. I have a short temper when I'm tired (this is almost exclusively directed at poor old DH and never ever physical) the fact that he pushed her would concern me.

It sounds like he needs to work on alternative strategies for dealing with his frustration.

Teddy1970 · 09/06/2016 23:02

He's sulking and he yet he tells an 8 year old to grow up? He's already admitted he's lied about pushing her, it sounds like he's the one who needs to grow up and control his temper, kids can drive you nuts at times, but it is the responsibility of the adult to control their anger and not take it out on the children.

Teddy1970 · 09/06/2016 23:05

And yet he is what I should have said! Gah!

Original poster
Bensam335 · 09/06/2016 23:07

I know. We've been together for 23 years. There are many things I could tell you but it would take me too long. Things that I have mentally had to work through. Most of the time everything is great and we're all very happy but then it all goes tits and I start planning in my head about leaving. Tomorrow all will be fine again no doubt and we'll continue as normal. I just don't know what to do. I'm frightened of making the leap I think. I don't know how it will affect dd's and I just don't know where I would start.

OP posts:
Somerville · 09/06/2016 23:09

There are loads of threads on here written by women whose fathers abused them as children and whose mothers didn't act. They're depressing and distressing to read but I think you should.

Somerville · 09/06/2016 23:11

Oh and start by reading Emma's links.

And then call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247

NameChange30 · 09/06/2016 23:12

You don't know how it will affect your DDs not to live with an abusive bully who pushes them around?!

It will have a resoundingly positive effect on them. The sooner you take them away from this dangerous man, the sooner they can start to recover from the damage he has done.

Protect your daughters.

It may seem a daunting task but just take it one step at a time. The first step is talking to someone, preferably Women's Aid (0808 2000 247).

NameChange30 · 09/06/2016 23:13

Cross posts (Hi Somer! Smile)

Original poster
Bensam335 · 09/06/2016 23:14

Thank you. We have a big holiday booked for August. Dd's are so excited about it. Would you wait until we return before starting the process? Should I leave with dd's (and cats as he wouldn't care for them) or should I ask him to leave? Sorry for asking. Just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Sassypants82 · 09/06/2016 23:15

God, what a horrible bastard.

Original poster
Bensam335 · 09/06/2016 23:17

He went abroad for a week and it was so different - the three of us were very relaxed and had a lovely time. I guess that should tell me something.

OP posts:
Teddy1970 · 09/06/2016 23:19

How's he going to react when DD is 14 and wants to wear make up and go out? She's only 8 at the moment, easy to push around. You need to think about your children and their future, like a previous poster has said, don't be one of those mothers who turns a blind eye and hopes he's in a good mood the next day, your children need you to be their voice, don't brush this under the carpet.

Somerville · 09/06/2016 23:20

Bensam, I'm glad you're thinking about leaving him.

Phone Women's Aid. Honestly, they're the experts and will give you excellent advice on the specifics of how it is safest for you to go about it. As well as loads of practical and emotional support.

Original poster
Bensam335 · 09/06/2016 23:21

I know Teddy and I have brushed it under the carpet.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/06/2016 23:21

Yep, that does most definitely tell you something.

"We have a big holiday booked for August. Dd's are so excited about it. Would you wait until we return before starting the process?"
HELL NO

"Should I leave with dd's (and cats as he wouldn't care for them) or should I ask him to leave?"
This is a bit more tricky. I think you should take advice from Women's Aid on this. It sounds as if he is likely to be violent, so if you report his past abuse to you and DDs, you may be able to get a non-molestation order and an occupation order which would force him to move out - but you would need professional advice on that. If it's going to be difficult to achieve you might be better off just getting the hell out of there (and yes take DDs and the cats!)

Original poster
Bensam335 · 09/06/2016 23:22

I'll phone women's aid. Thank you.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/06/2016 23:23

Somer Grin Blush
(OP sorry for slight derail!)