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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Suspicious search history?

34 replies

whatdoesthismean2 · 09/06/2016 08:56

Hi, I'm a new poster but I need some impartial views on something that I recently stumbled across.

I've been seeing someone I met OLD for about 7 months now and things seem to be going well. I'm a little cautious as i have a terrible history with relationships. Anyway earlier this week I went to sign into Facebook on my laptop to search for a old friend someone had reminded me of earlier in the day. The way Facebook is on my laptop is I don't sign out so it just takes me to my homepage automatically.

It seems my boyfriend had been using my laptop (I know about this and I always say he is welcome anytime) and I didn't notice immediately it took me to his account so when I went to type in the search bar his history appeared. I didn't mean to snoop but one name jumped out just by the sheer number of searches, a woman of course!

There have been about 12 over the past 3 months, the most recent being 2 weeks ago, she is not a friend and I can't see any link. Most of the searches are really late at night and there were a cluster that corresponded to when he was away with work for a week. No messages (on FB at least!) as far as I can tell.
Could this be innocent?

I don't want to confront and look like an idiot, I so want to trust him but I spent 20 miserable years with a man I found out later was always looking for "something better" and I swore I would never go there again.

Flame away I know I shouldn't have snooped!!

OP posts:

Claraoswald36 · 09/06/2016 08:59

Did he add them?

happyanddappy · 09/06/2016 09:00

no, it could not be innocent...

Oysterbabe · 09/06/2016 09:02

It's probably an ex girlfriend. I look up my ex all the time just to make sure that his life is shit since he left me - it is.

Original poster

whatdoesthismean2 · 09/06/2016 09:03

No, he hasn't added her to his friends.

I can't see any link i.e. old friend/ workmate that he may just be curious to see how they are getting on etc.
I know I look up old friends when i get bored and can't sleep even ones I'm not friends with.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/06/2016 09:07

You don't have enough information to know if it's innocent or not. And it'd depend on what your definition of innocent is.

He could have a friend or colleague who is dating her and keeps checking her out. He could be using her photos for non-polite purposes. He could be interested in her and have got into the habit of checking her profile, but not acted on it. He could be talking to her on another app and looking at her Facebook sometimes.

Does she work with him? Any mutual friends?

laurzj82 · 09/06/2016 09:10

It's probably an ex and he's being nosy. I do this sometimes

frieda909 · 09/06/2016 09:10

It could well be an ex. I'm sickeningly happy with my boyfriend of eight months but I will admit to searching for my ex on Facebook on a fairly regular basis, as well as other guys I dated briefly between them. It's nothing more than curiosity about what they might be getting up to, since I don't have any other channels of communication with them any more. I usually delete them from my search history afterwards because otherwise their names just lurk there every time I go to search something and make me feel like a creep.

If this happened between me and my boyfriend I would definitely just ask him outright. 'I saw this name in my search history a bunch of times before I realised you were still logged in on my laptop. Sorry, I really didn't mean to snoop but now I must admit I'm a little curious, do you mind me asking who she is?'

Original poster

whatdoesthismean2 · 09/06/2016 09:12

No mutual friends/her profile is pretty scant with information so no employment history or anything so I can't find any link that would explain his curiosity.

Anchor is he is using her profile for any of your suggestions that would be a dealbreaker for me.

He has not been acting strangely, he phones me regularly when we cannot see each other and he always tells me he loves me.

OP posts:

CamembertQueen · 09/06/2016 09:16

Depends, what type of photos does she have up? Are her photos public so he can see? People "Facebook stalk" whether they admit to it or not. I think you could tell from her profile what he is looking at.

Original poster

whatdoesthismean2 · 09/06/2016 09:19

Yes, I can tell, it's mainly all selfies in short skirts

Doesn't look good does it?

Would you finish with someone for "facebook stalking" and nothing else?

OP posts:

CamembertQueen · 09/06/2016 09:26

That is shit. I think a lot of men do this, I found similar on an ex bf's Facebook - woman he knew from school days. She posted very revealing pics and he admitted that was what he was using them for. He accepted how creepy it was. I also had a very innocent pic of me dressed up, commented on by a friend (who was married) at about 3am in the morning one time. I was shocked and my bf at the time basically said yeah he must have been doing the same. Made me feel sick.

Personally, I call people out on things. It isn't something I can stand for, I would be hurt, upset and creeped out. But other people wouldn't be as bothered. It is all about what you stand for in rships and how much it would impact on you.

Original poster

whatdoesthismean2 · 09/06/2016 09:32

It would impact on me a lot.

I know he "follows" various sites on Instagram that post provocative pics but i find that just laughable.

A real person though.........

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 09/06/2016 09:43

I think it's bad however a rhetorical question, is it worse that he's cracking one off to say Shelly from accounts, than say Emily Blunt? Is there a difference?

It's creepy, it's wrong but, is your concern the emotional connection or that he's using someone else as wank fodder?

CamembertQueen · 09/06/2016 09:45

My Ex said he didn't see her as a real person, she was just someone that he knew posted a lot of pics regularly, so new stuff for him. Grim. Why he is an Ex! I think you might need to discuss it with him then, if it means you would want to end it. It isn't something that you can "unsee" and I definitely get how you feel with regards to your ex. It is horrible feeling like you aren't enough for that person, when they are enough for you. He prob just sees what he is doing as the same as watching porn. I don't think it means he is necessarily cheating with her.

Original poster

whatdoesthismean2 · 09/06/2016 09:47

TheNaze73 my view on the above is that we all have celeb fantasies but that's all they are fantasies.

A real person however that you could bump into on the street is very different in my view.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatdoesthismean2 · 09/06/2016 09:49

Camembert he is definitely not cheating which is why I'm asking for impartial views, am I over-reacting?

It was something I was never meant to see, so in his eyes he probably thinks it's harmless.

OP posts:

CamembertQueen · 09/06/2016 09:59

Can you continue with the relationship happy in the knowledge he is doing this? Will you continue to mull it over? I think he prob sees it as harmless, not given much thought to it. I personally couldn't let it lie, that is because I don't do such things so why should my partner? I accept I am not so liberal when it comes to things like this though. I don't think you are over reacting, how you feel is how you feel. If it impacts on your self esteem, then you will continue in this relationship feeling less than. It is hard as it wasn't meant for your eyes, but he clearly wasn't very careful in covering his tracks.

Original poster

whatdoesthismean2 · 09/06/2016 10:08

Camembert thank you for your posts I'm finding them very comforting in confirming I'm not being stupid and over reacting!

I will continue to mull this over, you're right.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do, it seems there was a week of daily (some nightly) searches them nothing until just one search 2 weeks ago so I'll have a think about what I want to do.

I'm not seeing him in person till Saturday night so I have time to think things over.

OP posts:

Oddsocksgalore · 09/06/2016 10:17

It could be he is chatting to these women online and is looking them up on Facebook to see if they are real or to get better pics.

Original poster

whatdoesthismean2 · 09/06/2016 10:21

Oddsocks I know that is a possibility but i discounted it as I thought that was maybe too much of a jump to assume he was.

I was thinking myself paranoid as it was, and that down route madness lies!

Appreciate your post and it's a good point.

OP posts:

whattodowiththepoo · 09/06/2016 10:23

You might want to talk to him about it, I personally wouldn't have a problem with him looking at attractive people online but if you do he should know.

Original poster

whatdoesthismean2 · 09/06/2016 10:29

I think I will talk to him about it this weekend when I see him as this is not a discussion I want to do over the phone.

I can understand looking at attractive models, goodness knows I've been known to lust over Gerard Butler
Doing the same to "real" people is crossing my boundaries though.

OP posts:

CamembertQueen · 09/06/2016 10:54

Gerard Butler good choice! Good luck OP, hopefully after Sat you will have your head a bit clearer.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/06/2016 11:01

Anchor is he is using her profile for any of your suggestions that would be a dealbreaker for me.

I didn't mean to suggest they shouldn't be - I was trying not to force my views on you!

I would ask him who she is, quite casually. Hopefully you'll get an honest answer - "Dave's girlfriend" or "someone from a supplier at work" or something. That can at least start a conversation. If he denies knowing her, you might have to show your hand a little...

I really hope it is something innocent. I agree that celebrities feel different - the chances of bumping into them is so very slim. Real people present real opportunities.

I wonder if he thinks you wouldn't have a problem with him doing this because you don't mind him doing it on Instagram? That's also real people and the pictures there tend to be a lot "naughtier". That could be well off the mark, though. At least it would meant he considered what you'd think?

I hope it's not, though.

TheNaze73 · 09/06/2016 11:06

Off the point slightly but, if you met Gerard Butler in person & he invited you for coffee, does that make it ok, rather than say Dan in the marketing department? What's the difference?

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