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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

V confused - v frustrated - practical advice please xx

32 replies

Norky1975 · 08/06/2016 04:00

Hi all
Please bear with me, long rant but I really need advice.
DP and I together nearly 5 years. I left my ex husband January 2012 due to his substance abuse problems, and have been renting ever since, I have one DD 8 years old.
DP's ex is still living in the marital home, they have two kids 18 and 16.
Naturally, I would like DP, myself and DD to have a proper home together. Obviously with plenty of room for his two whenever they want.
DP is adamant that he wants to get the house back and says regularly that EW is actively looking to move, but nothing is happening - in fact, she has just returned from 2 weeks in Florida, which I'm struggling to see how she managed to afford.
Me and DD live in a nice two bed flat, but I have no garden and I can't see how I'm going to get on the property ladder on my own. DP lives with me and gives me money every month, and frankly if I asked him to leave I would really struggle financially.
Yet he lives here, gets washing done, cooked for, etc etc.
There's so much more I could say but I would love to hear from anyone in the same situation or experienced this.
DP earns a lot more than me, and I also have a consolidation loan to pay.
More than happy to answer any questions from people who have any words of wisdom.
I never thought I'd end up like this! I'm 41 by the way xxx

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 08/06/2016 05:03

Why would you be asking him to leave?

What's the current legal/financial situation with his marital home? Is he prepared to take rhe steps to sell it/be bought out by her to raise some equity for a deposit on a house for the 2 of you?

And I guess you could simply stop doing all the chores/cooking for him... I'm a bit confusedfrom your post if the issue is the ex-wife / house or your current relationship? (Sorry if I've got 5am insomniac stupidness)

Isetan · 08/06/2016 05:26

How his Ex can afford to go on holiday is none of your business.

What would be your financial contribution to a new property? If getting on the property ladder is entirely dependant on your partner funding it, I can see why he isn't in any rush to upset the living arrangements of his children to do so. However, he should be honest about it and not string you along with promises that won't be realised in the short/ medium term.

You have greater security now, then if you lived in a property that your DP was the major/ only shareholder in. If buying a bigger property is in your future, why don't you start planning your contribution now, rather than fixating on his.

Original poster
Norky1975 · 08/06/2016 05:26

I wasn't very clear - just waiting for him to go to work and I'll clarify xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Norky1975 · 08/06/2016 05:27

I was expecting the typical aggressive replies.
Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Familylawsolicitor · 08/06/2016 05:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Norky1975 · 08/06/2016 05:58

He doesn't pay the mortgage anymore but his name is still on the house. EW is supposedly wanting to move but nothing is happening. Divorce at a standstill for at least a year.
My gripe is that eventually he will have his house back, God knows when, and I will be left in the background while he gets on with his life.
In the meantime he has no rent, mortgage or bills to pay while he is with me, only a making a cash contribution to the running of my flat, getting all his needs met.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 08/06/2016 06:09

This sounds like it is about more than just your living arrangements.
You say 'while he gets on with his life' implying that you suspect you might not be part of it in that scenario.
What is your relationship like?
I understand your frustration, living in a no-garden flat, but that is not a good reason to continue a relationship 'just in case' you might, one day, be able to share a house, that currently is someone else's home.

Fidelia · 08/06/2016 06:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Norky1975 · 08/06/2016 06:15

I'm not wanting to live in his house - it's too far from my job and DD school.
I just feel like he's not considering our relationship and its future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Norky1975 · 08/06/2016 06:16

Yes I know this thanks.

OP posts:
Possibilityofanisland · 08/06/2016 06:24

Is there any reason he isn't paying half of the rent and bills?

Original poster
Norky1975 · 08/06/2016 06:25

I know. Shit isn't it? He's never offered and I don't feel like I can ask

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 08/06/2016 06:27

It might be time to ask.

Original poster
Norky1975 · 08/06/2016 06:29

I know you're right. It's very difficult for me. I don't want to get used to having the extra money - when he gets the house back I think he will cut me off financially

OP posts:
Motherfuckers · 08/06/2016 06:31

And there lies your problem. Why did you not discuss finances prior to moving in together. Doing all his washing and cooking just makes you a doormat.

Desmondo2016 · 08/06/2016 06:34

I don't think anyone's being aggressive. Your actual issues/situation isn't clear from your post at all. It sounds like a terrible relationship. You talk about wanting a house together, then in the next breath your expecting him to end it once his ew moves out. Help us out here!

Hellothereitsme · 08/06/2016 06:41

I really doubt that he will get the house back so I would stop fixating on that. If the divorce has stopped it is because they can't agree or he is happy with the status quo. If it goes to court it is anyone's guess what will happen but as his wife is housing the children she could get it all or 80% or 50% who knows. If he has decent pensions they might decide to leave the pensions with him and the house with wife. So we don't know is what I'm trying to say.

Your life is for you to control do not rely on someone else to fund it.

The wife's spending is none of your business at all. Her parents might have helped her. She might have met a lovely man who likes to pay half of her bills, holidays etc.

To be blunt you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position. He isn't paying half of the bills - why ever not? Are you scared to ask him incase he leaves. You need to sort that bit out rather than moaning about the house and his wife. Why isn't he divorced yet?

Cheapthrills · 08/06/2016 06:48

When I read your op, I thought I bet he's not divorced. What happens with the house will be decided as part of the financial settlement. He might be holding out for something that won't happen. Can he afford to buy her out?

blindsider · 08/06/2016 06:48

None of this couldn't be sorted out with a grown up conversation about plans for the future. At worst you will know where you stand.

Cheapthrills · 08/06/2016 06:49

If the issue is how much he contributes to the running of your home, you need to tackle that.

AutumnRose1988 · 08/06/2016 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 08/06/2016 06:55

You think when he gets his financial settlement he will leave you for dust? And you're still with him why?
Would you get benefits to top up your income if he wasn't living with you?

LIZS · 08/06/2016 07:02

So you think he's just marking time? I wouldn't guarantee he'll have rights to the house anytime soon , usually it is until the dc leave fte so could well be another 5 years. Have you asked his plans , might he sell up if he has relocated. Tbh it sounds as if you are settling out of convenience and you need to take his ex and the house out of the equation and focus on your own plans.

youshouldcancelthecheque · 08/06/2016 07:09

If he is divorced then the house is sorted and his talk of getting house back is pure fantasy.

mummytime · 08/06/2016 07:20

If he left (you chucked him out) would you be entitled to Tax credits etc? If he left could you re-arrange things so you could have a lodger?
If it is just a rented place, then is there anywhere you can move that would be more convenient?

Do not go into another relationship without discussing finances first. As a friend told me a long time ago, the biggest reason for divorce is financial not adultary.