V confused - v frustrated - practical advice please xx

[Norky1975]

Hi all
Please bear with me, long rant but I really need advice.
DP and I together nearly 5 years. I left my ex husband January 2012 due to his substance abuse problems, and have been renting ever since, I have one DD 8 years old.
DP's ex is still living in the marital home, they have two kids 18 and 16.
Naturally, I would like DP, myself and DD to have a proper home together. Obviously with plenty of room for his two whenever they want.
DP is adamant that he wants to get the house back and says regularly that EW is actively looking to move, but nothing is happening - in fact, she has just returned from 2 weeks in Florida, which I'm struggling to see how she managed to afford.
Me and DD live in a nice two bed flat, but I have no garden and I can't see how I'm going to get on the property ladder on my own. DP lives with me and gives me money every month, and frankly if I asked him to leave I would really struggle financially.
Yet he lives here, gets washing done, cooked for, etc etc.
There's so much more I could say but I would love to hear from anyone in the same situation or experienced this.
DP earns a lot more than me, and I also have a consolidation loan to pay.
More than happy to answer any questions from people who have any words of wisdom.
I never thought I'd end up like this! I'm 41 by the way xxx

mummytime is spot on. Finances are the biggest reason for divorce

This is a right tangle of different issues. No wonder you're in a bit of confusion with this.

How did it work out that he moved in with you? How did it work out that you didn't discuss finances? They're not always a comfortable topic of conversation if you're still in the romantic phase.

Sounds complicated to say the least.
So many questions (no need to answer them on here but they're all things you need to consider)

Did you get the flat before he came on the scene? How much does he contribute? What does it cover? Why is 'divorce at a standstill for at least a year?' Does he actually support his ex-wife and children?

Do you feel he doesn't really care about you and he's biding his time and will leave? Do you think he's waiting until the youngest is 18 and then will get the house sold and get something else for himself (that doesn't involve you) with the proceeds? Is he saving but not paying a fair share while staying with you while you struggle? If the answer is yes, then this is very wrong.

Comparing with the way his ex-wife leads her life and how many holidays she goes on is not going to help you. It's her life. Her still living in the family home is not out of the ordinary.

As pp said finances should have been discussed before he moved in. Also does your own exh pay maintenance for your DD?

The fact you say you will be struggling without his money also indicates that he's not paying his way properly, he's taking advantage, I hate men like this, you have children and yet you are paying extra for him, whilst his ex swoons about their old property, why is it not being sold, you've been with him 5 years, sorry but with that and the rest I'd feel used and would wonder if he actually was wanting a future with me, time to sit down and work out all the outgoings, then tell him straight to pay his way or cheerio chancer.

I agree with Jan. Your gut is telling you something. Sometimes it is hard to pin point exactly what it is, but I think "he is using you" rings the bell.

For me, it is the dangling the nice house in front of you that is the red flag. That suggests a manipulation to perhaps distract you from the financial reality of what his advantages and your disadvantages are presently.

What his ex...um-but they are still married...what his wife, not so soon to be ex, is doing is a red herring. Their marital assets are a red herring.

Sort out the finances to find a better circumstance for yourself. If you need to kick him out, do so; and maybe he can call you when his divorce is finalized. It is a "sh*t or get off the pot" moment.

I really appreciate all your advice. I know underneath it's all true.
X