confused

[Psan]

I am in a relationship for 5 years now he is 54 and i am 56 Everytime we argue he locks me out of the house for days. lately he has resorted to putting chains and locks on the gate also. The fights is not even severe its about we struggle to communicate and he refuses to discuss it at all. I can only touch him if he SAYS so etc. As if i do it otherwise like hugging him he would complain he is watching TV etc. all the food i pay for well basically most things i pay for Sometimes he would ask what am i going to do to entertain him....he has never even bought me a gift. The problem here is that i am truly in love with him and i do not want to loose him as there are times he is fine. any suggestions?

I suggest you revisit your idea of what 'love' means. He sounds like a bit of an arsehole and generally arseholes are not objects of adoration.

What do you do when he locks you out for days. Where do you go?

Yes. Re-read what you have just written. Then ask yourself why you would want to stay with someone who behaves that like and why you have so little self esteem to think you are in love with someone like that.

Then, once you've done that, put in place whatever you need to do to leave him. Because there is no other answer or suggestions any of us will make.

If your daughter or sister told you they were in a abusive relationship like this, what would you say OP?

You say you don't want to lose him, but is it really more terrifying to be alone, than to be in a relationship with a person who treats you with such contempt?

You can't change him. All you can do is decide whether you want to stay with a person who chooses to treat you like that, or leave.

You right its just tough to make a decision. no i have my own place he asked me to move in i said no its too unstable but i did go stay there for 2 months.

Must add he has severe ADD and depression. This causes him to lash out and do weird things. But it is also taking a strain on me. Ive been thinking a lot lately whether i should continue as my kids all married they refuse to even talk to him or see him. He has no one. and cannot cope at all with any stress whatsoever. I just tired of being called old tired of being lied to etc. Like we went to a restaurant the other day all was just fine and he suddenly got an attack of panic or so and started throwing the food in my face. I not like that at all I just so wish i did not love him this much but in the end, perhaps love isnt good enough?

To be honest I'm not really sure it is a tough decision.
You don't share a home with him. Just walk away.

You are close to my age. You are throwing away a great deal on this man.

It's really not love.

This is a wind up. Mumsnet bingo anyone?

Me first.

LTB

Sounds like your children are good judges of character.... this is not a relationship. Just call it a day foe your sanitys sake...

Really? He locks you out of the house and you pay for everything? I agree with a pp, what would you say to your daughter if she recounted this to you?

Love is not enough.

IT IS NOT LOVE!

Don't kid yourself any longer. It's not love. It's pathetic, pointless neediness.

This cannot be real? If it is, I think you know the answer

Thank you all so much. i will leave him not nice but i will do so. it was not a good 5 years at all. i also think the reason why i took it for so long was because i have been so alone since my divorce. but it clearly was a mistake to invest in someone who is abusing me so badly. Countless times this happened and i went back. I also discovered recently that is why his wife left him as she and the kids were stranded for weeks on end. now that i think of it, i was stupid as he used to entertain other girls there and i constantly forgave him. I can kick myself. thank you all for listening it really helps

true if it was my daughter or sister i would have exploded. you are all correct it took some time though for me to see this clearly as my kids pointed it out to me and started insisting i must break off with him. I did not listen. But now I will. I do not need to be put outside a gate with a lock and chain i have never done so to anyone. it was so humiliating you know. But I leaving him now. I did tell him so in the email and as usual so far no response. its ok. will cry my eyes out tonight but i be just fine.

I mean I support people in distress, I do so much for others. I did not deserve this at all. Sorry i am going off now. anyway even my ex told me to leave the guy and that should say something. But nooooo i did not listen. things i bought for him he threw on floor saying its not good enough i made sure he had food to eat when working, then he would say i make him fat. if at night i want to talk to him just for couple minutes i was told noooo he busy watching TV when his car had to go in for repairs i took the day off to help him get there and back to work and couple days later it was my car turn be serviced and he said i must get a taxi he is busy. Oh and saturday he pulled his cars out of garage and had it washed and left mine as is. one sms per day was all he offered. if i send more than one i was told i smothering him. i got so confused at some stage. Then he would say he wants to get engaged and two days later he says he didnt really mean it. It is so confusing. And if i wanted to talk about these things he says and keeps retracting, he gets angry and i was locked out for days on end and completely ignored just like now. i do not need this I know what is the answer but I needed to make sure and to vent a bit. thank you.

i feel so stupid.

I don't think this is really a relationship, so I feel you may be hanging on just because it's all you think you'll ever have and you'd rather have that than nothing.

Really, on the face of it, you should be considering ending it. Its actually very unpleasant.

He has treated you appallingly. I'm sorry you went through that - it hurts so much when other people don't treat us well even though we are kind to them.

No amount of kindness from you is going to change him, though. He's just not capable of giving you the same kindness back. It's not your fault. But you need to accept that this is who he is, and let it be.

thank you. he did sms this morning saying he is giving me the best he as ever been. I was stunned as if THIS is the best..............then he just sms said he doesnt want to talk to me for some weeks as he is going through a phase....ja right.....and he said he unchained the gate IF I WANT TO put groceries and stuff there. I responded back thank you but i left your keys in the mailbox at the gate i didnt go in and i meant what i said as previously you phoned the police when i couldnt get my things packed fast enough and i do not want that again. i am not a criminal for pete's sake. And again, offfff his phone went. I was thinking a lot since i talked and vented to you all how stupid i was as past couple of months i had to move everything out of his house basically 3 times per month. I got so tired of it as its bags full of cloths jewelery groceries cause he would threw the groceries on the floor yelling for me to pick it up and go and make sure i take everyting of mine out of his house. I did so saturday the last time and let me assure you he has NOTHING in that house apart from a bed and a couch. i promise you as this is unstable. Its not nice being by oneself, but rather that than this type of behavior. I now can understand why his wife left him and why there was NOTHING in his house as she probably was too afraid to buy anything for the house as she and kids also had to move every second week somewhere and he chained the gate. I was also thinking hard about what he said a week ago. He phoned me as i went to my place yelling he is in a war and the army is going to take him away etc I was stunned i asked what are you talking about....he just repeated it and never answered his phone after that. I didnt know what to do or what was going on this time so I went straight back to see and he was fast asleep on the couch. I was so upset. I also recall when i visited my sister she lives so far away it took me 13 hours to get there, within a day he phoned saying i should come back he is extremely ill. I then went back i was so tired of the driving and he was not ill at all he was then saying he just wanted me there. i was upset. And i allowed it for 5 years.....i only started coming around when my kids kept pushing that i should break it off and pointed every little detail out. As i took him on vacation in March and he complained he wanted to go somewhere else so i said then PAY HALF he did not do so even. I bought him shirts etc then he says he wanted more. but he is earning a dammmm good salary?? He has a medical aid but i had to get his meds on my medical aid? I was reallllllllly stupid. I so wanted it to work but i was sadly mistaken. I am so glad I could get it all off my chest. will keep you posted but so far i am sticking with my decision that is for sure.

I am sorry for venting. I just need it today. I am so upset as i ordered expensive cycling clothes he wanted was so much and my friend for 30 years has a factory and helped me out with it once it was done, he said he didnt want it. i almost lost that friendship i had to pay for the clothes in the end and i did not give it to him. That was recent. my kids couldnt phone me he would be so upset who is important they or him. Then i say they married i do not see them that often so a call once a week is fine. It amazes me that i did this to myself. wrong choices. i like to go to church etc he never went with me. I like animals and children so i go to game parks etc he was complaining it is too hot and animals stink. Sorry to mention it, but our private life was not good at all as he is a corpse. Everytime i encountered a massive problem i had to phone my ex to assist as the boyfriend was nowhere to be found as he not answers his phone. Whatever problem i had he just said he is not interested. And i took it. Now i also understand why his past relationship didnt work. That girl's son send him an sms saying if he find him he will break every bone in his body. I saw that sms on his phone. Its unreal. Now for past 2 years, his phone is on silent or in his pocket with passwords on and if he gets an sms, he not checks it till he is at work.....lately he sms in front of me holding his phone so i cannot see and if i dare ask...... then i recall the day he said he didnt have his phone and he is a manager????? for 2 says i couldnt get hold of him and when i asked about it he said he doesnt know..... ja people, i am stupid but i am learning fast. thanks for allowing me to vent like crazy.

I'm glad you are learning.
He's a mega abusive arsehole!!!
Do you live in the UK?

no i live in South Africa i sorted out all my magazines today and started with my garden feel bit better

Day 7 of SILENT TREATMENT. Did get ONE sms yesterday saying IF I CHANGE and DO AS HE requires just be quiet all the time he will then think but now wants more SILENT DAYS and immediately blocked me again .....mmm there must be another. This is so rude. So rude.

Ive been thinking a lot last couple of days. I have a strong personality and I am a go getter, whereas he is extremely passive and weak. He said it also. I recall the slightest disagreement he did the same SILENT TREATMENT for weeks. You cannot talk to him at all. Whatever he says that was mean, is fine I was told to not talk about it and forget it. But as soon as I started questioning very calmly WHY did he say those things then he immediately would ask me to leave and SILENT TREATMENT I checked all the emails this was a pattern for 5 years eachhhhh month at least twice. If I cooked and he was unhappy about the food as its making him fat, then I had to leave etc. If i asked please can I have a hug I was told NO he doesnt need it and if I asked again after an hour or so just a stupid hug, then I had to leave and SILENT TREATMENT followed. This was a toxic relationship. I see it more clearly now. Me doing everything and he just cashing in. The garden I fixed for months on end per HIS REQUEST only to be told as usual afterwards he didnt really want it. Its absurd. Whenever we used to go to the mall, he would not hold my hand walking wayyyyy far away. The dog I gave him, after a month the dog dissapears, he said the dog was stolen, but did not even try to look for it then after weeks, a woman down in the street saw me at his place and said thank you for the dog?? Whenever there was a show I would like to see, I had to get tickets he never offered. Valentines day was just another day, so was my birthdays. Not even flowers. last xmas he finally got me something and also for my daughter we were stunned....he got me a green play wig and for my daughter a plastic bat which he bought at TOYS R US. In the meantime we got him shirts wine glasses and a bar outlay. I am beginning to see the pattern here. He should seek help I think. He did last year for couple of sessions and then he was told he is destructive and destroys all that is good. Did he listen? NO. as usual. So i think when the SILENT TREATMENT IS OVER whenever that may be, I am going to HAVE to talk to him and make it clear its unacceptable and this is too unstable for me he must move on. The previous girlfriend almost committed suicide over this, I am much stronger but I do not need this anymore. I wish I can express how much better I feel since I told you all about it. It reallllllly helped me a great deal.