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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please Help my friend, re the 'script'

40 replies

IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 31/05/2016 09:46

I'm writing on behalf of a friend.

She's been in a gradual increasing abusive relationship, controlling, EA, and now psychical.

Other other night she had to have the police remove him from the house. She's got bruises on her face and neck, doors have been pulled of there Hinge's.

Yesterday she knew it was all over, and he was told to leave, but..........

He's now so remorse full, he'll change, he'll do therapy, he'll give her the space she needs, because he loves her, and respects her.

She's now wavering.

They were living together, planning on getting married. There aren't any DC involved. He has his own place too.

She's happy to read the responses to this thread.

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 31/05/2016 09:51

Not yet married, no kids.... she needs to run for the hills now without looking back.

Jemmima · 31/05/2016 09:54

Not sure this has much to do with "the script". The script is about the way people behave when they have started an affair, towards their DH/DW

Original poster
IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 31/05/2016 09:55

I know, that's what I'm trying to help her with. But she so wants to believe he'll change.

sorry I'm the OP, but wrote this forgetting I'd changed my name last night, I'll ask MNHQ if the can Change my OP name.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 31/05/2016 09:57

Can you ask her to ring women's aid if she's in the UK? They are great at explaining the behaviour of the abusive man. You can also ring them for a chat about how to help your friend.

Original poster
IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 31/05/2016 09:57

Yes sorry, maybe not the 'script' but what abusers say or do when they want to keep the relationship, maybe whether anyone has manage to 'Change'

OP posts:
Original poster
IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 31/05/2016 09:59

She rang them, three days before this happened. I've also said about her doing the freedom project.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 31/05/2016 10:00

0808 2000 247 if in England.

Doinmummy · 31/05/2016 10:01

He will maybe send her flowers, he will be on his best behaviour for a while (until he gets his own way that is). He'll cry. He may even go as far as making an appt to see a counsellor. He may get a family member to call her and say what an emotional wreck he is and can she give him another chance.

SHE MUST NOT HAVE HIM BACK. HE WILL NOT CHANGE

MrsKCastle · 31/05/2016 10:02

Physical aggression almost always escalates and any form of strangulation is one of the worst red flags possible. (I presume that's how her neck got bruied?)

As you say, the 'I'll change, I'll do therapy' is textbook abuser behaviour. He will probably be on his best behaviour for a while, extra loving and attentive. But the abusive behaviour will start again and it will escalate.

Ask your friend to read the Lundy Bancroft book and maybe take a look at some of the relationship threads on here.

Original poster
IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 31/05/2016 10:05

She just said it all well reading this, but it's the emotions, the fact she loved him.

She can't believe, that people are the same, she wants to believe that there is some small static were people do change.

OP posts:
Original poster
IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 31/05/2016 10:06

*Loves not loved

OP posts:
diddl · 31/05/2016 10:11

"Other other night she had to have the police remove him from the house. She's got bruises on her face and neck, doors have been pulled of there Hinge's."

Why would she want to ever risk that happening again?

She might love him, but he most certainly does not love her!

DoreenLethal · 31/05/2016 10:14

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

She might want to read the above.

So, she loves him. But she doesn't really. She loves what he pretends to be. The real him is an abusive violent cunt. She should be running for the hills.

Original poster
IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 31/05/2016 10:16

She feels that's not true, she feels he does love her. But he has issues which he has now said he will get help for.

I know, I know I'm just as frustrated, which is why I'm asking for help here

OP posts:
Original poster
IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 31/05/2016 10:17

I made her read that before I posted.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 31/05/2016 10:19

Think you actually mean cycle of abuse

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

BloomingAzalea · 31/05/2016 10:19

She needs to tell herself repeatedly she is worth much more than this. Is she going to wait until he's knocked all teeth out , broken bones ? Of course she loved /loves him but that's totally irrelevant.
Get out now before marriage and children, when it all gets really stressful and pressurized.
She needs to go no contact and be determined, make herself busy with other things so doesn't dwell on him.

carwashing · 31/05/2016 10:22

These are all signs of classic abusive behaviour.

The promises of changing, declarations of love are simply PART of the abuse. Designed to reel your friend in again so that the abusive cycle can begin once again.

(Been there & got the T-shirt)

As others have suggested please read www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656.

Also Women's Aid and highly recommend The Freedom Programme for support and education.

DoreenLethal · 31/05/2016 10:26

But he has issues which he has now said he will get help for

If he really wanted to help her, surely he would end it until he knew he was cured? If he cares for her why doesn't he want her to be safe?

Original poster
IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 31/05/2016 10:31

He has, sort of said that, "he respects and loves her so he will, respects her wishes of space"

OP posts:
diddl · 31/05/2016 10:34

Sadly she probably won't listen until it becomes apparent that he hasn't changed.

Does she accept that he has always(?) been abusive & that it has got steadily worse?

And that he has waited until the point of beating her to to seek help?

Why did he let it get so bad if he loves her?

Doinmummy · 31/05/2016 10:35

The 'issues ' he has will be blamed on her at some point. He is no different to any of the other abusive bastards out there . She cannot help him and she's a fool if she thinks she can.

My ex has been in therapy for 18 years and he still hasn't changed .

Doinmummy · 31/05/2016 10:37

My ex used to use the therapy against me. He'd say things like 'my therapist says you have to be more considerate if I need to go to the pub' 'my therapist says you mustn't wind me up'

MrsMushrooms · 31/05/2016 10:41

The fact she's willing to read these responses and seems unsure what to do suggests to me that she already knows she obviously has to leave him, but is scared to do so because ending a relationship is a scary thing. She is looking for excuses not to have to do it which will just drag things out. Instead, she should be looking for ways to make it easier - you obviously want to support her, why not make plans to do more things together over the coming weeks so she won't feel as lonely? Perhaps she can book herself a few days away somewhere nice to ease the transition with a change of scenery?

DoreenLethal · 31/05/2016 10:56

He has, sort of said that, "he respects and loves her so he will, respects her wishes of space"

So he has ended it then? In that case, what is she wavering over?

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