Please Help my friend, re the 'script'

[IfTheCapFitsWearIt]

I'm writing on behalf of a friend.

She's been in a gradual increasing abusive relationship, controlling, EA, and now psychical.

Other other night she had to have the police remove him from the house. She's got bruises on her face and neck, doors have been pulled of there Hinge's.

Yesterday she knew it was all over, and he was told to leave, but..........

He's now so remorse full, he'll change, he'll do therapy, he'll give her the space she needs, because he loves her, and respects her.

She's now wavering.

They were living together, planning on getting married. There aren't any DC involved. He has his own place too.

She's happy to read the responses to this thread.

[IfTheCapFitsWearIt]

No, not ended but, has said he will give her space.

A sort of to be continued, and he is very much still in touch!


I'm going to have to go home now, but she'll continue you read this thread.

She knows I'm here for her, and we can arrange lots to do together.

The book that was recommended, has been ordered.

[Doinmummy]

He will be saying all the right things at the moment in order to regain the control he has over you . Do not let him brainwash you into believing him .

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I'm going to be very harsh here, I apologise in advance.

"She just said it all well reading this, but it's the emotions, the fact she loves him."
Grow the fuck up and stop thinking that Mills & Boon is real life. Love is not about romance and overcoming obstacles so that you can be together forever with your 'soulmate'. That is an illusion created to diddle women into accepting shit relationships so that they won't rock the boat.

The most damaging belief is that there is 'the one', just one person in the world who you can love and be loved by. If that were true, it's a huge coincidence that everyone's 'the one' lives near enough to meet them. There is no 'one'. Instead, there is a large pool of compatible people out there who you could meet, and with whom a mutual love and respect could grow. A large pool. And while you cling to this abuser, you will not connect to any of them.

There are lots of men out there that you could be in love with, who would love you back. So why are you wasting your time with one that prefers to abuse you? You don't love him, you love the mask he put on to reel you in. Then he slowly stepped up the abuse to test your boundaries, and your boundaries did not hold. Why? Why were you not willing or able to protect yourself? That's what you need to deal with, what is there in you that makes you vulnerable? Until you deal with that, you should not be in a relationship. Especially, you should not be in a relationship with someone who has explored your vulnerability and is happy to exploit it for their entertainment.

"he has issues which he has now said he will get help for."
Why didn't he get help for them before? When he watched himself abusing you, why did his love for you not stop him? Maybe because he loved the buzz, the power trip more? Actually, I call bullshit. This claim (and it is only a claim) is a delaying tactic, to keep his punchbag to hand. It's so much easer to spin a line than to go to the bother of training up a new punchbag from scratch. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. HE'S PROBABLY NOT CAPABLE OF LOVING YOU. If he were capable of love, protecting you from his bullshit 'issues' would be more important to him than anything, including being with you. Because that's love.

Do not return to your abuser. Do the Freedom Programme to find out why you are vulnerable and how to protect yourself. Stop kidding yourself that this relationship is love.

((hugs))

[Doinmummy]

Are the police pressing charges ?

[Yambabe]

If he's in constant contact he's not giving her space is he?

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

You could get her a copy of Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That' which explains the script and personality type in detail, plus the likelihood of a man who has proved he's ok with attacking his partner so violently she has bruises in plain sight on her face and neck, which means he feels no shame or inhibitions about it and is fine with others seeing what he's done, doing it again and escalating.

The book is available on Kindle for immediate download.

[43percentburnt]

He will cry, beg, plead, say he will go for therapy. Blame work stress, his poor childhood or his dead dog.

If she ignores he will get angry, she made him do it, threaten. Tell her she is awful, incapable of loving, doesn't have a sympathetic bone in her body. She is a bad mother.

When she forgives and goes back he will be ok for a while. Then out comes the silent treatment or the nasty digs - she won't want to rock the boat.

She will modify her behaviour to keep him sweet.

Question - what happened last time he hit his boss because of his anger issue? Oh he doesn't hit his boss - so no anger issue then. Just a women hitting problem.

Question - if his colleague hit him and he arrived at your house covered in bruises and really upset. Would you encourage him to be friends with the perpetrator and not press charges? Pretend it never happened, sweep it under the carpet? Would your arse of a partner let it go? Your 'd'p attacked the one he is meant to love and expects you to sweep it under the carpet.

He won't change, you cannot change someone - he has a rotten core. Why on earth does she want to choose to share her one life, her hopes, her dreams with a man with a rotten core.

[Doinmummy]

I'm surprised he hasn't come out with the age old 'You made me do it'

[IfTheCapFitsWearIt]

From what I gather, previously she has been made to be at fault for stuff.

This is apparently the first time, he's said to her "you were not at fault". " I need to change"

Which is maybe why, she believes this can work. Because the pattern has changed. He admitted he was in the wrong.

If you are reading, maybe download the book, instead of waiting for delivery. I know you were interested in the intro and read it. So maybe whilst it's quiet, you could down load and make a start reading it today.

You are not on your own. [Hug]

[IfTheCapFitsWearIt]

Abuser profiles from the book.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

[nauticant]

If he wants to show he's in the wrong, and how much he's in the wrong, he could embrace the police investigation, support it going to court, and then plead guilty at the earliest possible opportunity.

This would be the best thing to do in terms of helping his current partner and giving himself the best chance in breaking the cycle of his behaviour.

[43percentburnt]

Agree with naut, he will state he is guilty to the police and accept being punished.

[IfTheCapFitsWearIt]

If you are still checking this thread.

Please read this link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2650655-When-red-flags-arent-really-red?pg=1&order=

do you remember saying the same things to me? Would you still agree with the OP now your relationship has exculated?


I'm not going to text you links, because you are lying about were he his, and I know he'll be checking your phone.

Just remember when you lie to me, you are only really lying to yourself.

I will still be here, Whenever you need me, and I'll still be here if you just want a natter and laugh.


Thank you to everyone who took the time to post on this thread.

[NewStartNow]

They don't change for the better

[Pimmmms]

Sadly, the fact that your friend hasn't posted herself on this thread is the biggest clue that she will take him back. She hasn't even invested enough in this process to try to speak for herself.