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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My stalker is getting on my tits, help me!

31 replies

BillyBugGobbler · 25/05/2016 11:18

I have a stalker. It started when I was painting the railings outside my house. It took 3 weeks and many neighbours stopped to chat in this time & comment on my progress. After the 3rd or 4th time he's stopped to chat I offer him a cuppa as I'm having one myself. He's a neighbour from 6 doors away but I live on a junction & he's around the corner so we've never met before. He tells me he's been separated from his wife for 5yrs, we have loads in common BUT I'm not remotely interested & NO flirting etc happens. Roll on a few more weeks & he knows I'm OLD. Under further questioning he reveals he's 'separated' BUT him and his wife/teen dcs all live together & a divorce hasn't started! Next thing I know there are stars coming out of his eyes. I get rid sharpish & make mental note never to open the door again without checking. He does knock, I avoid, all ok. Then one day I forget, thinking it's the postie I open the door to see him with a stunning bouquet of flowers for me & he asks me out to dinner! Needless to say I get rid pronto. Then it turns nasty. To cut a long story short he then trolls my dating profile in the lowest most degrading way, grooming me. I'm ashamed to say I was royally duped in the beginning & fell headlong into his trap revealing intimate personal details. I had to report him 3 or 4 times. I got really good at recognising his fake profiles, as time went on they became more elaborate but he'd often slip up revealing tiny details I'd not put online so I knew it was him. Next thing he's 'accidentally' just bumping into me in town, walking past my house at school pick-up time and his latest special, jogging along my route at exactly the same time. Everything 'accidental'. I never engage. I ignore, ignore, ignore. I'd love to tell his wife but I don't want my tyres slashed. I've spoken to everyone locally & no-one's acquainted with them?! He's getting on my nerves, what can I do?

OP posts:

Lweji · 25/05/2016 11:20

I'd seek advice from the police.

HeyMacWey · 25/05/2016 11:21

I'd speak to the police for advice.
What a horrible position to be in.

Can you alternate your journeys to avoid him 'bumping' into you?

Original poster

BillyBugGobbler · 25/05/2016 11:29

I mix it up as much as I can. Today he walked past my house in the direction of school so I turned the car & went in the opposite direction. Do you think I should just try to look blankly at him like I don't know him next time he approaches me? Don't know why I'm even asking that, I already do it! He even 'just happened' to be passing as I was putting out my dustbins...

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 25/05/2016 11:30

I would think police too. That's a bit disturbing!

Lweji · 25/05/2016 11:31

I do think you need to try and nip this in the growing bud, and go to the police.

A friend told me the other day of someone they know whose life has been fucked up by a stalker that ruins all her relationships.

Do get professional advice.
And I might get CCTV (one obvious camera and another less obvious pointing in a different direction) to try and get evidence.

Snow123 · 25/05/2016 11:32

I had something similar happen to me over the past few years with an ex fling who just would not let it go- I was told to go to the police but was too scared that it Wouldn't be taken seriously- I contacted a lawyer privately instead and they wrote a letter informing him if he didn't desist further action would be taken and it seemed to do the trick (he contacted a few more times and it trailed off) Looking back I wish I had gone to the police- stalking is now a criminal offense and cyber stalking is also included in that- collect all data you can (screen shots, evidence etc- if he's following you possibly try to film) as not to scare you but behavior like this can escalated (mine started off trying to be my friend and when that was rejected became increasingly aggressive, made a lot of sexual threats and attempted to alienate me from most of my friends/family- sent emails informing them I was suicidal/ couldn't be trusted etc.) this carried on for a few years because I felt I had myself partly to blame for his actions - I now suffer badly from anxiety and bouts of depression. Not to say that yours will be anything like that but I would advise to nip it in the bud ASAP unless it begins to escalate. Even if the police pay a friendly visit to warn him his behavior is harassment it might be enough of a shock to make him back off. Good luck!

TheHoneyBadger · 25/05/2016 11:32

'you are making me really uncomfortable - if you carry on you will be getting a visit from the police at your home'

Original poster

BillyBugGobbler · 25/05/2016 11:36

Does everyone agree I shouldn't tell his wife?

OP posts:

flippinada · 25/05/2016 11:39

This is awful OP, so sorry you are being targeted like this, what an awful man. You've come nothing wrong here and the fault lies entirely with him (not to imply you are, but I know from experience that women often blame themselves).

I think things have got to the stage where you need to involve the police. Others have suggested keeping evidence, screenshots etc and this is good advice - you may not need it, but if you do it's there.

If you don't want to contact the police immediately you could send him a message along the lines of "please do not contact me again or I will go to the police" and see if that works - with the proviso that you follow through of that doesn't deter him. Good luck .

flippinada · 25/05/2016 11:41

I really wouldn't recommend telling his wife - you don't know how she will react. If you then decide to report him it could also complicate things.

MrsBertBibby · 25/05/2016 11:43

Don't mess about threatening him with the police. Tell the police. And no, don't tell his wife. She may not even exist.

Lweji · 25/05/2016 11:46

The police should have people (or recommend) that are used to dealing with stalking and may advise better on this sort of stalker.

I wouldn't address it personally with him or his wife, I suspect it would just stir him more.

WorriedOrStressed · 25/05/2016 11:47

Agree re seeking police advice. It's possible he has previous form for this.

flippinada · 25/05/2016 12:00

That's a good point MrsBert. Wife may not exist at all.

The reason I mentioned threaten him with the police it is because it worked for me - however if you do this you do need to be prepared to follow through with the threat.

I appreciate every situation is different and nothing wrong with going straight to the police. He's certainly done enough to warrant it.

Hydroshield · 25/05/2016 12:52

Have you posted about this before, OP? The details sound very familiar. The other thread was quite some time ago but I'm concerned that if it wasn't you who posted, it's the same bloke with the same MO as last time. He needs stopping.

Momamum · 25/05/2016 13:30

Hi, OP, I'm another who says do go to the police and tell them what you've told us here.

I had something similar happen to me and thought I could handle it by ignoring him, etc. It was only when a friend came round one evening and listened to all the messages he'd left on my landline which by this time had become quite threatening, that he drove me to the police station...(me? In a police station? I'd only ever visited one before, when I'd had my car sideswiped and I needed to make a claim on my insurance...how the fuck did this happen?)

Best thing ever, going to see them. They took it all so seriously, two officers visited him and, well, laid down the law.told him that any further contact or harassment of me would result in him being immediately hauled off to the cells where he would stay until a court appearance !

They then came back to me and de-briefed.

I bloody heart my local police. They were, and are, so supportive, totally brill

Since then, tho, I'm v.careful about my online presence. I'm still a serial name changer on forums I post to, change personal details etc..I'm very aware that tho he's running scared of contacting me directly, he may still be indulging his obsession by online stalking, so I don't give him a paper trail.

All the very, very best, and please, please, go to your local copshop, won't you?

ricketytickety · 25/05/2016 13:37

No, don't speak to his family as this will be fodder for more harassment. It will make him feel like he's having an affect on you. You'll be feeding him.

Do go to the police and log all the instances including any online correspondence with the dating website so that they have evidence of his harassment online as well as day to day.

Try these guys www.stalkinghelpline.org/

I have no experience with them but they will have plenty of advice. As far as I know stalkers all seem to follow the same sort of patterns. They can advise how you can keep yourself safe and sane.

It's aggressive behaviour dressed up as complimentary and illegal.

HermioneJeanGranger · 25/05/2016 15:50

You say the neighbours don't know him, are you sure he even lives around the corner? It seems very unusual that nobody else in the area knows who he is or knows his family.

Please go to the police, this man is dangerous. Ring them and someone will come round to take a statement. You do not have to put up with this, it sounds awful :(

Iamthinking · 25/05/2016 16:00

This website may help? PALADIN

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 25/05/2016 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/05/2016 16:41

I wouldn't tell her but I'd certainly threaten it.
I'd tell him if he doesn't back right off then I'm going to tell his wife everything. And that if that doesn't work that your next step will be the police!
Hopefully that should do the trick.

Hissy · 25/05/2016 17:09

Have absolutely no direct contact with him. Gather the evidence and hand it all over to the police.

Let him take all the fallout of his actions. Do not enmesh yourself into his life.

Momamum · 25/05/2016 18:16

Me, back again...

Like hissy and the others who say no direct contact, no threats to go to his wife, whatever, just do it, straight to the police, please.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/05/2016 18:53

No, don't tell the wife. He might tell her he has been having an affair with you (which is probably true in his head).

Original poster

BillyBugGobbler · 25/05/2016 19:14

Hydro yes it was me before. I thought it had petered out but no. He is definately married. I've seen his wife. I've lived here for years and know loads of my neighbours, even round the corner. And when I spoke to them I asked if they could ask their friends etc. No one knows them, not even their immediate neighbours! This couple keep themselves to themselves aparently. The wife must be having a shit time behind closed doors because he's a prize dick. Before I got rid he told me he only works part-time from home, his wife is the major earner so he 'can't afford' to leave! The thought of being married to a man cock-lodging, sniffing around other women, urgh. My railings got bashed-up by my builder recently (the twat lent scaffold poles against them) and they need a paint touch-up. I love diy but I'm afraid to go outside and do a proper job in case he 'just happens to be wandering past'.... I also deliberately planted white roses all along the railings to look pretty and they need tying in now, I could do with a couple of hours out the front. Any suggestions for how I handle it if I do decide I have the balls to get my paintbrush out?

OP posts:

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