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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Silent treatment

32 replies

Lizzy8080 · 24/05/2016 22:11

My husband is giving me the silent treatment for about the third time in the last couple of months. He is refusing to speak to or even look at me after an argument on Saturday. It wasn't about anything particularly dramatic, just a domestic over house work etc. I'm becoming very frustrated and I'm also worried about the impact this will have on our kids. Any advice on how to deal with this? It makes me feel so isolated and lonely, I'm too embarrassed to talk about it with my friends.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 24/05/2016 22:18

Leave him. He is using it to control you. Im assuming he hasnt done any of the housework that you were arguing about? Dont let you children grow up thinking it is normal behaviour.

springydaffs · 24/05/2016 22:28

It is a form of abuse.

Silent treatment

ImperialBlether · 24/05/2016 22:31

I think you should say to him "If you don't start behaving like an adult, then I'm going to get a divorce. If you've got a problem, talk about it, don't act like a baby and sulk." Then walk out of the room and give him half an hour to think about it.

Original poster

Lizzy8080 · 24/05/2016 22:32

The effect on my children is what worries me most. I've asked him to leave before but he refuses and I don't have any where to go if I leave as we live a 90min drive from my family. I know people break up all the time but it seems such a huge thing and the kids would be devastated.

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CalleighDoodle · 24/05/2016 22:35

So, what do you think your options are? Do you work in a job you cant do 90mins away? Can you not move somewhere close to where you are now, but out of the house? Have you seen a solicutor about youe rights and your house?

Original poster

Lizzy8080 · 24/05/2016 22:37

I have tried this before but he stares past me or swears at me, comparing him to a child or trying to get him to see that he is being petty has no effect. I find it hard not to get too upset and angry when I confront him which I don't think helps.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lizzy8080 · 24/05/2016 22:40

My job would be difficult to find nearer home, I earn more than my husband so probably could afford to cover the mortgage on my own but when I've suggested this he says he would want a huge payout to move out - a lot more than half of the equity. I probably should see a solicitor but it seems very final and expensive.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 24/05/2016 22:42

Silent treatment is a sign of emotional abuse. Does he do anything else on that list? Or this list? If so I suggest you call the domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247.

You could also read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. There are useful excerpts from it on this thread.

NameChange30 · 24/05/2016 22:44

Cross post. You can get free legal advice from the Rights of Women family law helpline. It wouldn't be final - you don't have to act on it - but it would surely help to know what your rights and options are.

NameChange30 · 24/05/2016 22:45

There are also solicitors that offer a free initial consultation - you could ask your local CAB for a solicitors list.

ImperialBlether · 24/05/2016 22:51

Why on earth would he think he's going to get half the equity when you earn more and you'd keep the children with you?

43percentburnt · 24/05/2016 22:53

Why does he think he would be entitled to more than 50% of the equity? Can you afford to see a solicitor? Knowledge is power, find out where you really stand, gather together and organise savings, mortgage statement, payslips, pension statements, shares, work share saves, ISA etc organise them clearly and make a spreadsheet detailing assets / debt to maximise time in your appointment. It will be money well spent.

Ignoring you is his way of telling you to shut the fuck up and do what he says. What normally happens to get him talking again? What was the argument?

Him telling you he wants a large payout is to stop you thinking you can afford to do it alone.

Find out exactly where you stand.

43percentburnt · 24/05/2016 23:00

Would the kids be devastated? He is currently ignoring their mum or swearing at you. This understandably upsets you. Read the Lundy book, I'm sure someone on here said its available free online somewhere (hopefully someone will say where).

When he is silent, do you get angry making you feel like the crazy one?

Original poster

Lizzy8080 · 24/05/2016 23:01

This is really useful, thank you

OP posts:

springydaffs · 24/05/2016 23:02

He's having a laugh if he thinks he's going to get more than 50%. What a joke!

If you are the primary carer of the children you will get the lion's share - and, as often as not, the family home. And he'll have to pay at least child maintenance. So he's the one who's going to be on the bones of his arse if you split.

Good! If he is prepared to put you through this torture - and to expose the children to this extremely damaging (for them) dynamic - then he deserves to lose everything. You are not doing your children a favour by failing to protect them from his behaviour.

Get thee to a lawyer and find out what you will be entitled to in the event of a split. You'll be surprised - and so will he.

You don't have to act on it. At least, not yet...

goddessofsmallthings · 24/05/2016 23:06

He wants a "huge payout" to move out - more than the equity in the marital home?

Give the controlling twat something else to sulk about. Start divorce proceedings and let him find out that he'll be lucky to get 30% of the equity in the martial home and he'll have to fund his moving expenses out of it.

Far from being 'devastated', it's highly likely that your dc will come into their own be relieved when his toxic presence no longer blights their lives.

Original poster

Lizzy8080 · 24/05/2016 23:07

Eventually he will start talking, but it is lasting longer and happening more often. I think I'll definitely find out where I stand financially and speak to a solicitor, but he's adamant he won't move out and I'm not sure I can force him.

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goddessofsmallthings · 24/05/2016 23:19

If you move to divorce him and he makes threats against you, which I suspect he will, you'll have cause to seek an occupation order which will force him out before "the financials" have been settled.

You can divorce while living under the same roof as your h. Do you have a spare room you can use as your bedroom, or can you re-organise the existing bedrooms so that you no longer share a bed with him?

springydaffs · 24/05/2016 23:21

Can you move out (maybe rent?) and wait for the house sale? Not ideal - but anything to protect the kids from his toxic influence.

If you separated, moved out, and stopped paying/contributing to the mortgage on the marital home, that might chivvy him along a little... though I'm not sure if you can do this, ask your lawyer.

springydaffs · 24/05/2016 23:23

But then they'd be in the same house, goddess, the kids still exposed to this shit. He'd be infinitely worse in an arrangement like that. Gruesome

goddessofsmallthings · 25/05/2016 01:42

While it may be possible to negotiate a few months break with the lender, failing to meet mortgage repayments carries the risk of repossession proceedings and renting is effectively 'dead' money that, other than the return of any deposit, cannot be recouped.

Many petitioners find themselves in a postion where they have no alternative but to divorce while sharing the same roof as their unreasonable spouses and, while this may not be ideal for the dc, the OP can apply for an occupation order should her h become "infinitely worse" than he is already, springy.

Hopefully the shock of having his w demonstrate in deed rather than word that she's no longer prepared tolerate his shit behaviour will cause him to keep schtum sulk in silence till the moving van carries him off.

GettingScaredNow · 25/05/2016 02:13

Poor love

I absolutely agree that knowledge is power.

I saw a solicitor earlier this year after 5 years of emotional controlling abuse. And knowing what my rights are and where the law will land really gave me calm and sons control back.
The law will land with you. He doesn't get to demand anything.

Go and see a lawyer. I don't recommend the free half hour cos I didn't find those useful.
I asked for an hour and was happy to pay for it. A lawyer earning a hours money is far more forthcoming then someone working for free. They gave me a half price consultation. this also meant that STBXH can't use them as conflict of interest

STBXH did the silent treatment. I hated it. I tried doing it back after a while but he was never bothered.

Don't worry about him moving out. You can start the divorce and once that is under way he will likely move out in a 'I can't wait to get away from you fashion' much like mine is now.

My heart goes out to you. You haven't given much away but from what you have said he sounds quite abusive and I know that niggling little chipping away abuse. It's belittling and demoralising. It's abuse.
Wanker.
take step one.
Step 2 will follow units own time, and then step 3 and so on.

Original poster

Lizzy8080 · 25/05/2016 07:31

Going to make an appointment today, thank you for your advice. I think I've been making lots of excuses for him in my head and haven't really acknowledge how damaging his behaviour is, it has helped to see other people's views in black and white

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hellsbellsmelons · 25/05/2016 09:35

I would bet this isn't the only way he emotionally abuses you.
As PPs have said, the Lundy Bancroft book will help you see this for what it is.
Womens Aid can also help you understand.
This is nasty controlling behaviour and your DC shouldn't be exposed to it.
While he ignores you, don't do anything for him.
No washing, tidying, cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing up.
Nada!!!!
If he can punish you then you can punish him.
Don't engage with him.
Just carry on as normal and ignore him.
Be 'breezy' when around him.
If you have a spare room, move into it and get some space for yourself.
Once he realised his 'punishment' isn't having the desired effect he'll either, ramp up the EA or he'll do all he can to make thing right, knowing you are slipping away from his crappy clutches.

I remember my ExH doing this to me early on in our relationship.
I moved out after a day of it.
But I was young and had my family close by.
He learnt it from his mum.
I really had to sit him down and tell him that as adults we deal with things in an adult way. We discuss things and we compromise for a happy life.
He learnt his lesson and never did it again and we had 15 years together.

Unfortunately, your DH sounds like a proper abuser.
See what a solicitor says.
Make appointments with 3 of them.
All the best ones of course, because then he can't use any of them!

Original poster

Lizzy8080 · 25/05/2016 10:54

Thank you for all of your help, I've contacted a mediator and am waiting for them to get back to me with an appointment. I feel very sad that it has come to this but I definitely don't think I can go on with things the way they are. I am trying all the things you mentioned such as finding my own space and not cooking for him etc but I really don't want to draw attention to it in front of the kids

OP posts:

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