Silent treatment

[Lizzy8080]

My husband is giving me the silent treatment for about the third time in the last couple of months. He is refusing to speak to or even look at me after an argument on Saturday. It wasn't about anything particularly dramatic, just a domestic over house work etc. I'm becoming very frustrated and I'm also worried about the impact this will have on our kids. Any advice on how to deal with this? It makes me feel so isolated and lonely, I'm too embarrassed to talk about it with my friends.

Take it from someone who knows, the children already know.

My free first half hour was priceless - she cracked through stuff at an astonishing rate. We took about 40 minutes, all in, (lots of tears to get through..) and I booked her on the spot.

It takes about 10 minutes for the lawyer to spell out the basics, anyway - which can be very empowering when you've been told you'll get nothing etc. My ex was self-employed so it wasn't straightforward - but even then the lawyer still managed to crack through the basics.

I'm not sure why you've arranged for an appointment with a mediator op. It's expensive and the chances of stbx husband engaging are low. Better to get your facts straight first in a sole appointment with a lawyer. Look for a family lawyer that specialises in domestic abuse/coercive control - Women's Aid will have a list of lawyers in your area.

I decided on a mediator because I thought it might work out cheaper than a solicitor in the long run? It sounds like you got a lot more information from the solicitor in an hour than I thought you would, I'll look into it now. I'm concerned that it will become really drawn out and expensive, but I think your right, knowing what to expect financially will help me to plan properly.

Get a few free half hours as many as possible so he can't be represented by any of the lawyers you used even if you didn't go on to employ them for the long haul

Mediation is usually an option further down the line, recommended by the courts for the reasons you outline: to keep down costs. If possible.

You would be insane singularly ill-advised to embark on mediation without knowing what you are legally entitled to expect in respect of the division of property/savings/pensions/childcare arrangments etc on divorce and you could easily become disadvantaged if your h lawyers up and attempts to pull the wool over your eyes by spouting a load of 'legalese' that favours him.

Source recommendations from friends/colleagues or find your nearest Women's Aid service here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and ask for a list of solicitors in your area who specialise in divorce and family law and, as springy has said, have specific expertise in cases of domestic abuse/coercive control.

Don't hesitate to take advantage of free initial consulations with a number of solicitors as it's important to find a lawyer you 'gel' with and have confidence in their ability to be ruthless proactive where necessary.

I suspect that experience of your h's recalcitrance is colouring your view but, no matter what he may initially threaten say to the contrary, I doubt your divorce proceedings will become unduly protracted once he realises that he will be footing the bill for the services of whatever firm of solicitors he instructs to act for him. If he chooses not to instruct solicitors I would suggest you/your solicitor negotiate for him to pay half of the total costs of divorce with the sum being deducted from his fair share of the equity.

Without knowing how much equity has been accured in the marital home it's not possible to give a considered opinion, but as you've said you are the higher earner and can afford the current mortgage payments I would suggest you explore the possibility of remortgaging in order to give your h his fair share and fund your divorce costs.

In the normal course of events the decree nisi is commonly granted within 3-4 months of the petition to divorce being received by the court with application for the decree absolute being made after 'the financials' have been settled.

If you set foot on the path to freedom now and don't waver, you may find yourself celebrating your emancipation during the festive season.

My free half hour was excellent. That was a year ago and I haven't needed any further advice since, although admittedly my circumstances haven't called for it - as yet.

It is strangely calming, as someone said earlier, to know where you will stand legally. There are so many myths around it's good to have the facts.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my post, you obviously know your stuff! Clearly an appointment with a solicitor has to be the first step