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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What a cliche

32 replies

hamabeads · 23/05/2016 23:09

Currently sat here reeling. Shaking so much. I just didn't expect it. Perhaps I am stupid. Sad

Last Oct DH left his phone unlocked. I casually picked it up and had a scroll through. No idea why I did this as not suspicious or anything. Found a set of messages back and forth - about 5 or 6 in total. Basically saying he was thinking of her today and did she fancy a drink soon. That sort of thing. He definitely seemed keener than her.

Then this week found a series of messages after a works night out, with a different woman. He had been out and it appears he met her whilst out - it is unclear whether they knew each other before. Basically they are both pissed. He says he hopes he wasn't inappropriate and she says no not at all...

Anyway this evening I have been digging about in his online history and found a whole set of messages from 2013 and 2014. Between him and the first woman (Oct). It appears they have kissed, although I don't think anything else happened. This is because she stopped it. He was clearly very keen - talking about only wanting her and sending her chasing messages about meeting up and so on.

OK wise ones. What do I do? He is currently away with work.

OP posts:
YabuDabbaDoo · 23/05/2016 23:23

Wow, you must be reeling. If I were you I'd take some time out for myself to figure out what I wanted to do next.

I don't think it would be worth hearing his side or asking for an explanation - you have all the information you need, you're now in charge of what you do with it.

During a similar crisis I broke everything down into small chunks and just did a couple of things each day, e.g. sorted out bank accounts & budget for single parenthood one day, contacted citizen's advice and council tax the next day, etc. By the end of the week I had gone from jelly to a woman with a plan ready to execute.

Oh and please make sure calling your support network in around you is first on your list.

Original poster
hamabeads · 23/05/2016 23:32

We are due to go away next week on holiday. I don't think I want him to come. I have two days to gather info about money etc before he gets home.

OP posts:
Runningmum84 · 23/05/2016 23:38

Yes a tricky situation. I would be very angry too but acting in anger won't help anyone.
I agree with YabuDabbaDoo think about what you want to do next.
No one can tell you what to do but sounds clearly like he's playing away. It all depends on if you are sure it's over or not. I personally wouldn't be able to stay with someone once they had done this too me and it's easy for me or anyone else to say don't act in anger but not easy for you right now.
Take a deep breath and maybe get away for a few days to think about how to handle the situation.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Inexperiencedchick · 23/05/2016 23:40

I'm so sorry, 💐

Original poster
hamabeads · 23/05/2016 23:41

We've known each other for 30 years. I just can't believe it. He's talking to these other women like he talks to me. I feel sad, angry and just in shock.

OP posts:
Original poster
hamabeads · 24/05/2016 06:14

I've managed 2 or 3 hours sleep so I've phoned in sick for work.

Ive spent the night worrying about where we'll live and what I'll do for money.

OP posts:
YabuDabbaDoo · 24/05/2016 06:25

That's what I was worried about too, but do you know, my first year of single motherhood was one of the most relaxed of my life once I'd got a couple of months under my belt and realised I could meet everything by myself. I did need some help from the state but within a year I was self-sufficient with only token support from XH.

This is all hitting you at once and I know it's overwhelming but I promise you can find your power and you'll believe in yourself in ways you never thought possible. One step at a time, lots of rests and kindness to yourself along the way. I hope you can get a friend onside today. And phone the CAB.

Original poster
hamabeads · 24/05/2016 10:42

In between crying and retching I have been photocopying financial stuff. I can't afford to live here on my own. I only work part time and DH pretty much for everything. It is a big, expensive house to run.

I am forming a plan. He is due home tomorrow and I am going to tell him I know and that I want him to go and stay in a hotel - at least for one night. My friend has offered to have the DC. I am half thinking of taking the DC out of school and going to stay at my mums.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 24/05/2016 10:47

Did you discuss those messages that you found last October with him, or have you kept quiet since then?

Original poster
hamabeads · 24/05/2016 11:08

I decided to keep quiet and bide my time. Those messages in themselves didn't really prove anything. They could have been seen either as friendly banter or more. I wanted to see if anything else came to light. I never in a million years thought it would date back so far and be a proper full on lets run away together thing. Sad

I thought at worse it was some flirting!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 24/05/2016 11:12

I thought we'd have to move immediately but it turned out that my ex was OK with supporting the kids, and was happy to give me enough to stay in the house with them (convenient for him, as he could then bugger off like a singleton with his OW). It might work out for you, too. If it hadn't in my case, I looked into renting and found I could have done it. Wouldn't have been as nice, but would have been just mine, with the kids and no hassle from ex.

It all seems insurmountable now, but in reality I would guess you are not going to end up on the streets. Things will get worked out.

Get the arse to stay away for a week or more if you can. Would you really take the kids out of school? Won't that make it seem even more dramatic to them, while also giving them plenty of time to dwell on things?

Original poster
hamabeads · 24/05/2016 11:19

Rentals around here seem to be a minimum of £1500 per month for a 3 bed semi. I earn £900 per month. Sad The mortgage is less than £1500 but the running costs are high. Plus it is a drive away from anything. I yearn to move closer to everything so we can walk to places. Smile

You're right. I don't think taking them out of school would be good. We are due to go on holiday on Sat - UK based. So will go away then. Should I ask DH not to come?

My youngest has SEN so is hard work. I am worried I won't cope with him on my own.

Do you know thinking about it. I seem to have lost all my confidence!?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 24/05/2016 14:26

Don't ask, tell him not to come ... wouldn't be any fun for either of you, a holiday is enough stress when you get on! Maybe ask someone else if they fancy coming?

As long as you can keep your youngest from setting fire to stuff it should be fine. You've had a shock and are entitled to be crap at everything for at least several months.

Like I say, you might not even have to move. But if you do, you can move where you like, within reason. The arse will have to help support his children. Maybe the kids could share a room? And you could look for a better paying job, perhaps? But none of this has to be sorted today. You might have to downscale but it won't be the end of the world.

Original poster
hamabeads · 24/05/2016 14:38

Thank you yes I don't want to go away with him. He can stay at home and fester or more likely do some more flirting.

I plan to pack a few things for him so that when he gets back tomorrow I can ask him to go and there won't be any awkward packing. He can just go. What if he refuses though? I need to think of a plan in case he refuses to go.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 24/05/2016 18:15

Oh god, so you've known since Oct and said nothing, don't know how you did that!

He'd not be going on holiday with me and I'd find it pretty hard having him at home, you do realise he's been cheating on you, it doesn't have to be physical but probably is, esp with the first one, they all say it only went as far as kissing.

Sorry OP, his bags would have been packed back in October, he needs to go! Surely under the circs he will offer to go no?

Original poster
hamabeads · 24/05/2016 21:13

He doesn't know that I know yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
hamabeads · 24/05/2016 21:14

I have suspected since Oct and the first lot of messages I found. But the ones I found yesterday refer to kissing and how he wished she hadn't stopped it.

OP posts:
YabuDabbaDoo · 24/05/2016 22:52

I think you will surprise yourself (and him) with how persuasive your argument for him to leave immediately will be, when the time comes.

You're probably in physical shock, too. Are you remembering to eat, even just a piece of toast will help you to function and feel a little better. Stay hydrated but avoid too much caffeine. If you can't sleep, just laying down with your eyes shut for a while will help.

You are going to come through this, OP.

Theladyloriana · 24/05/2016 22:58

So sorry you are going through this op Flowers

I would agree you sound like you are in shock. Try to rest and eat.

What a fucking arsehole. So sorry again.

Original poster
hamabeads · 24/05/2016 23:24

Yes I am in shock. What has happened to my lovely kind H? It seems it was all a lie - or at least the most recent few years. I have been looking at photos of about the same time as the messages I found. I can't believe he was carrying on having family holidays etc.

I am now thinking I might wait till the kids are in bed and then we can talk. His response is going to tell me what to do. I wonder if he will want to leave for her? I just feel numb alternating with crying, racing heart and palpitations.

DD has noticed something is wrong. She asked me why I looked so sad today.

OP posts:
Theladyloriana · 25/05/2016 01:27

I hope you are managing to sleep OK op Flowers . Take some more time off work and go to the docs - personally I got a lot of support from my gp and found that low doses of diazepan very occasionally truly helped me through a terrible time. Obviously rl support, on here and taking care of yourself too. Take your time and remember this awfulness will pass, and you will be ok.

ravenmum · 25/05/2016 06:13

I found going to the doctor very helpful, too. You can also ask the chemist about sleeping tablets based on antihistamines for nights when you need to be awake the next day.

You might well find that even he doesn't know what he wants - don't expect too much to come out of any conversation.

Have a good think about what YOU want. Your first reaction might be "I don't want to break up", but make sure that isn't just a knee - jerk reaction. Of course you don't want to lose the life you had once, when you thought it was all fine, but a) can you ever get that back now and b) were you really as happy as you could have been?

You might find it hard to persuade the idiot to leave if you are in too much of a state to reason with him. Have a backup plan like a mattress on a floor for him.

Original poster
hamabeads · 25/05/2016 07:03

We have a spare bedroom - well a granny annexe downstairs with an ensuite. So that is the back up plan.

But I am hoping he will go at least for tonight.

I managed a few hours sleep tonight. Although I feel worse this morning than I did yesterday, when I had only had 2 hours sleep.

OP posts:
Cocoabutton · 25/05/2016 07:08

I am so sorryFlowers

I tell my DC that humans are like weather systems, sometimes it rains. That passes, and then the sun comes out again.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 25/05/2016 07:22

Bloody hell what a blow for you!

Surely if you're married, and have kids you're entitled to remain in tje house??

A very similar thing happened to pal... A faithless arse after 25 years together,4 kids and the youngest with Downs syndrome. Pal discovered re OW. Initially he refused to go. After a solicitor's letter he left the marital home... He also had to pay the mortgage and contribute towards the family upkeep.... Fast forward a couple of years... Pal wanted to move closer to their local town /schools... He then ended up buying her a house, and havinf to keep up the repayments.

It can be done. Do go and find our what your legal right are... I suspect you are in a better, more powerful position than you think!