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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband pushed me (playfully) am I overreacting?

47 replies

ChasingMars · 23/05/2016 10:00

Out with another couple last night. Everyone a bit tipsy and daft. I said something silly to DH and he pushed me, quite hard, but jokingly.

I know it wasn't threatening but I still feel it shows a lack of respect. My ex used to abuse me so he knows I am sensitive ti this stuff. I reacted angrily straight away and he just said 'it's a joke ffs.' But it's not a joke to me! He hasn't apologised, and we're not speaking.
I am working through all my baggage about ex's treatment of me at the moment and it has thriwn up the fact that it affected me far more than I realised so I really am sensitive. DH is otherwise loving and caring and our relationship is good. What do I say to him, or do I just let it go?

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 23/05/2016 10:17

In the context of an otherwise happy, safe relationship and a night out with a few drinks, I'd let it go

lottielou7 · 23/05/2016 10:19

I don't think you're overreacting - I wouldn't like this at all. It's an aggressive thing to do. He should apologise.

HarmlessChap · 23/05/2016 10:20

I think intent is the issue, by your own admission there was no intent to cause harm it was playful but a bit OTT. That said as soon as he realised that it was OTT he should have apologised however not talking to each other isn't going to solve anything.

IMO make sure he realises that even in jest, while tipsy, it's not OK, then forgive and move on but if he repeats then read the riot act.

scrumptiouscrumpets · 23/05/2016 10:22

If it was a hard shove, I wouldn't have liked it either and I have never experienced physical violence from a partner. I think it's an unpleasant joke and it would even have scared me a bit. He should apologise.

All0vertheplace · 23/05/2016 10:22

The push itself is one thing, but his response to your reaction is another. I wouldn't worry about the push itself too much, but when you explained how you felt he should have noted your feelings and made a proper apology rather than getting defensive.

MTPurse · 23/05/2016 10:23

He pushed you jokingly? You reacted angrily straight away?

Are you sure it is him who needs to apologise?

seeyounearertime · 23/05/2016 10:26

I'm officially an awful BF then. Many times me and my gf are walking down the street and I'll give a little nudge into wheelie bins, lampost, fences, oncoming traffic. She responds by punching me in the arm and we both call each other nobhead.

I'd let it go OP tbh. If he shoved you maliciously and meant to cause harm then that would obviously be a very different thing.

murphys · 23/05/2016 10:30

Yes, I do think you are over-reacting.

He could be offended by whatever it was you said, or your angry reaction to something that you admit wasn't done maliciously.

Have you apologized to him for your part?

Lelloteddy · 23/05/2016 10:50

He needs to know and understand that this is an issue for you.
An issue that you are prepared to work on and deal with. I suffer from severe claustrophobia, directly related to my abusive Ex. But I'm working on stopping it impacting so negatively on my life and my relationship.
But you need to know that he understands why it's upset you. And if he can't it doesn't bode well.

AnyFucker · 23/05/2016 10:52

I think the issue here is the lack of apology

Would it kill him to acknowledge he's upset you, especially if he knows your history ?

rainbowstardrops · 23/05/2016 10:56

He should apologise if he knows your history but you were all a bit tipsy and I'd probably write it off as a lack of judgement.
If anything similar happens in future then that's a whole different ball game

mummytime · 23/05/2016 11:09

seeyounearertime what would your reaction be if your GF cried, got angry, was frightened etc.?

Because all couples can do silly things that others find "odd", but if one person is upset... That is the real sign that there is a problem.

I think the sulking rather than apologising is the issue.

YorkieDorkie · 23/05/2016 11:20

I don't think it's fair to push your insecurity on to your partner. By your own admission, you have a good relationship so trust him that he's not out to hurt you. It's your wall that needs to come down and realise that touch is okay. I'm so pleased to hear you've moved on from an abusive relationship and found someone nice .

RiceCrispieTreats · 23/05/2016 12:27

The issue here is that he won't take your feelings on board.

Partner does something to you that you don't like. Partner is informed you don't like it. The only respectful reaction is to go "ok, I won't do that thing to you anymore."

Any other reaction is a sign of a bad partner.

MistressDeeCee · 23/05/2016 13:33

If someone doesn't want to be pushed then they don't. Ignore people who say you should just suck it up, OP. You being upset matters. I wouldn't like any man to do this to me, makes no difference if he is my partner so what. Don't push me. If I pushed someone and they didn't like it then Id see it as my job to accept that, not aim to justify as if I have an absolute right to choose their reaction. What is a joke to one may not and certainly does not have to be, a joke to another

His reaction to knowing you didn't like it is very telling. He could have said oh sorry I didnt realise it would upset you, it won't happen again. Thats short and sweet. Instead he chose to get annoyed and defensive. He doesnt have the right - he pushed you, you didn't push him, so its your upset that matters. Its a red flag that he'd rather act that way instead of giving a simple apology and reassurance, at least

I hope it doesn't happen again, and that you will feel better soon

HotNatured · 23/05/2016 13:36

Yes, you are overreacting.

Let it go. Life is too short.

HappyJanuary · 23/05/2016 13:39

You admit that he was joking and didn't intend to upset you, so I can see that it is his lack of understanding now that is concerning you.

But maybe he was equally taken aback by your reaction. Do you think he might have been embarrassed, or thought onlookers might mistakenly think he had intended to hurt you? That might explain why he hasn't apologised - he thinks he did nothing wrong but you over-reacted and humiliated him in front of his friends?

I'm not saying you did do that btw, just trying to understand his mindset.

If the relationship is otherwise good I honestly think you just need a chat to explain to him why you reacted as you did so that he never does anything like it again.

Lweji · 23/05/2016 13:39

He should apologise. That's all.
He may have done it playfully, but you didn't like it. He should apologise for it and not do it again. Because his freedom to do anything stops when you don't want that thing done to you.

You are not overreacting because quite a lot of physical abuse starts as playful.
How he reacts is important here.

Do talk to him, but don't let it go without a proper apology.

MTPurse · 23/05/2016 13:40

Instead he chose to get annoyed and defensive

Why are people reading things that are not there? The only person who was annoyed and reacted angrily was the OP!

BaronessEllaSaturday · 23/05/2016 13:48

Op you said you reacted angrily but how exactly. Have you actually explained to him how it made you feel and why you reacted that way. It is entirely possible that because you were both messing around he is completely confused as to what he did to deserve your reaction.

MistressDeeCee · 23/05/2016 13:55

MTPurse

'it's a joke ffs.' - hardly an apology, is it?

If she didn't like being pushed and especially in front of others I guess you think she should have minimised her own feelings then - its her man so she has to like it and if she doesn't, ensure she expresses that demurely

user1463996941 · 23/05/2016 14:04

I think it may have been an overreaction but if you have had a bad past with violence then he should have realised how something like that makes you feel. I think both of you need to sit down and talk. Tell him how you feel and clear the air. Have you had any help about the abuse you received?

MTPurse · 23/05/2016 14:05

If the roles were reversed the replies on here would be totally different.

I could just see it now...

Dp and I were out with friends last night and we were a little tipsy, We were being daft and dp said something to me so I pushed him jokingly, From out of nowhere he reacted angrily and totally embarrassed me in front of the friends we were with. I'm not sure why as we were only joking and I told him so. now he is not speaking to me.

The replies would be:

How disrespectful that he spoke to you like that in front of people.

Has he apologised for acting so aggressively?

You told him it was a joke, he over reacted.

So many double standards on MN where Men and Women are concerned.

Lweji · 23/05/2016 14:07

I used to do a martial art. If we overdid anything, we'd always apologise.
I don't see why your OH won't.

For me this would be strike one. Any other "playful" pushes that do without even an apology and he should be out.

Lweji · 23/05/2016 14:08

MTPurse

You don't know how a reverse thread would go. You simply don't.
And clearly you haven't been on enough threads to know what you said isn't true.

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