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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband pushed me (playfully) am I overreacting?

47 replies

ChasingMars · 23/05/2016 10:00

Out with another couple last night. Everyone a bit tipsy and daft. I said something silly to DH and he pushed me, quite hard, but jokingly.

I know it wasn't threatening but I still feel it shows a lack of respect. My ex used to abuse me so he knows I am sensitive ti this stuff. I reacted angrily straight away and he just said 'it's a joke ffs.' But it's not a joke to me! He hasn't apologised, and we're not speaking.
I am working through all my baggage about ex's treatment of me at the moment and it has thriwn up the fact that it affected me far more than I realised so I really am sensitive. DH is otherwise loving and caring and our relationship is good. What do I say to him, or do I just let it go?

OP posts:

sunnyoutside · 23/05/2016 14:10

I think it all depends. You have said you don;t like that kind of messing around due to previous situations so I think he should respect that. He might not have meant it in a horrible way - but if you have a thing about it from your past then wouldn't the nice thing be for him to just say "oops, I am sorry, had a few beers thought it was all joking, I genuinely didn't mean to"

I don't like hands cupping my chin or anywhere near my neck due to a previous incident with my ExH. An boyfriend thought he was replicating a crap love film did it. I immediately said I really dislike it, it makes me feel vulnerable, please don;t do it again. He got the hump. Then 3 days later did it again! It isn;t always the action but the behaviour afterwards that is very telling I find.

Smartiepants79 · 23/05/2016 14:16

It was done in a playful manner, you were all messing about and he didn't mean to hurt or upset you. Personally I think it's a bit of a drunken overreaction. Your angry reaction has made your partner defensive. Also if you've compared this to your exes behaviour then that's quite hurtful to a man you trust enough to have married.
This is all about a past that doesn't involve him.
Persoanlly I'd make sure I'd calmed down and then explain why I was so upset. Apologise for biting his head off (hopefully he'll apologise for being thoughtless) and then set some clear boundaries for the next time. Eg no physical stuff even in jest....

RiceCrispieTreats · 23/05/2016 14:28

Honestly, he's showing himself to be a pretty poor partner.

Pushing you may have been dumb and miscalculated, but pardonable. But what's not ok here is that he's acting huffy and making you out to be the unreasonable one, just because you don't like something he did to you. You are perfectly entitled not to like being shoved! It's your body, and only you get to say what goes.

He needs to take responsibility for his own action, accept that it crossed your boundaries, and resolve not to cross them again.

That's pretty much the basics of life with other people.

Slowdecrease · 23/05/2016 23:21

You are overreacting. He probably felt like a scolded child and reacted accordingly (ie huffy) .

RealityCheque · 23/05/2016 23:31

Lol. Wtf?

PoundingTheStreets · 23/05/2016 23:33

I think you need to talk about this when you've both calmed down.

I would not be happy about the lack of apology from DH. He knows your history and that you're still working through it and therefore quite vulnerable in this respect. In that sense, pushing you - however playfully - was a bad error of judgement. When confronted with an upset loved-one as a result of that bad judgement, any decent adult would apologise.

If there was no malice intended and you'd all had a skinful, I would say that probably accounts for the error of judgement. The lack of immediate apology probably comes from the fact that you've reacted so strongly and caught him off guard. He may even feel that your over-reaction cancels out his need to apologise. Embarrassing him in front of friends could be viewed as an equal transgression in his eyes because you intentionally had a go at him while he was only 'playing' IYSWIM.

I wouldn't let it go. I think you need to clear the air by talking about it and deciding on some ground rules for the future. But I would tackle it when you are both sober and no longer angry. What you're looking for is to both acknowledge the other's feelings on this. If you can do that and agree to avoid behaviours that make the other feel bad, you'll know you're on the same page and that this was a minor blip.

elephantcustard · 23/05/2016 23:38

Been with dh 19 years and he has never shoved/pushed me and we have been pissed on many an occasion, could everyone's perception of what happened be a bit skewed cause of alcohol ? I think given your history he could be a bit more sensitive in the aftermath

Lilacpink40 · 23/05/2016 23:39

Agree with pounding cool down and talk. Explain bigger picture but in kind way. Sounds like you do normally get on well!

WriteforFun1 · 23/05/2016 23:48

seeyou, you are the couple that makes me jump out of my skin because I think I'm witnessing a domestic about to explode. Can't you save that for home? I always get ready to step in and defend when I see things like that.

OP YANBU. I think it's particularly weird given your history. I realise he didn't mean it maliciously but thoughtlessness isn't great either. I will say I have a thing about people who do that kind of thing "in fun" anyway.

But if you talk to him and he gets it then I'd let it go.

Legendofthephoenix · 24/05/2016 00:01

Op I don't want to tell you wether it was an over reaction or not. I will say you need to talk to someone about your past you have brought it to your current relationship. TBH I'm surprised that you have married and not given yourself time to heal and move on. I think you should talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. He is not the enemy you have to try and make him understand what happened to you tell him everyday if you have to. You have to remember he is not a trained therapist. Ignoring him will not make everything better you want to pull him forward not push him away.

Have you thought about having time on your own to deal with your past. No man can make you happy only you can make you happy.

WriteforFun1 · 24/05/2016 00:13

Legend, the violent ex might be from 20 years ago?

Legendofthephoenix · 24/05/2016 16:53

Writeforfun the op said in her post that she is still working through her past and she has brought that to her current relationship. I think she rushed to soon into a relationship she should have worked on her herself first. She is struggling to give her all to a relationship because she can't talk to him. She has to learn how to make herself happy first she does not need a man to do that.

WriteforFun1 · 24/05/2016 17:13

Legend, I know OP said that.

I'm a singleton for life so I'm often the first to say "you don't need a man to be happy".

I was just pointing out that we don't have a time frame - OP might not have rushed. Many people leave things for years before they feel able to work through them.

Original poster

ChasingMars · 24/05/2016 17:57

Hi all

Thanks for replies.

DH and I have been married 9 years, the abusive ex was 12 years ago. I thought it hadn't really affected me but my DD, who is 15, has been having joint therapy with me for issues she has and she has brought up that she remembers my ex being abusive. It has really brought it back to me, I am on prozac now but I can't get access to counselling despite repeated requests.
When I say I reacted angrily, I simply said, maybe a bit sharply 'please don't push me like that' to which I got the 'it was a joke ffs' response then silent treatment.
DH and I have talked now and are back on track but it has made me realise how much I need help to put this in my past once and for all.

OP posts:

Lweji · 24/05/2016 18:01

I really don't think it's your issue.
He is the one who must not ever be physically violent and learn to apologise when he does anything you don't like.
It's actually good that you have such boundaries, not bad. So, don't take it on yourself to under-react. Keep rejecting violence, even if "joking".

WriteforFun1 · 24/05/2016 18:08

OP I had a feeling it was a while ago.
these hurts run deep...sometimes we have to have a time gap before we address them.

I hope you can get some counselling but he must also never do this. I have never jokingly shoved someone in my life. It's not necessary.

Good luck

Legendofthephoenix · 24/05/2016 18:49

What has your behaviour been like for those 12 years it must have been tough for you. You have to be strong for you and your daughter. You need to stick two fingers up at your past ex and move on. Get yourself a life don't be afraid you owe it to yourself to get out there and do something positive that will make you feel good about yourself. Teach your daughter how to move on by you showing her. Is there a course you would like to do in college or a degree. Education sets you free opens your mind to a new understanding.

WriteforFun1 · 24/05/2016 19:23

Legend "Get yourself a life"

why assume the OP doesn't have one?!

Original poster

ChasingMars · 24/05/2016 19:31

I have a life legend, and a degree as it happens

I know what you are trying to say, but the reason this is getting to me now is I HAVE been strong, for 12 years, put the kids first and just got on with it, but now I realise I hadn't really dealt with it at all

OP posts:

Legendofthephoenix · 24/05/2016 19:38

I am trying to give the op positive advise to try and help her move on. I am not being malicious getting a life is positive don't look at everything so negatively. I had it hard myself and my kids had to watch me suffer and they suffered because of it. That was the advise given to me and I am passing it on in the hope that it will help someone else. Do something different things are happening in this world. I don't expect everyone to understand my philosophy but it helped me.

Legendofthephoenix · 24/05/2016 19:47

Chasing Mars I don't mean to disrespect you but that is what was said to me and it did help me.

Goingtobeawesome · 24/05/2016 20:05

ChasingMars - I understand that sentiment 100%. For me it is quite a scary realisation. Take care of yourself and remember that it doesn't matter if he was joking. A loving husband would want to apologise if he's upset his wife unintentionally..

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