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Original poster

Masturbation

27 replies

Boofaloofa · 22/05/2016 23:32

Hi guys, my first thread, pls bear with me Smile I am interested to know peoples opinions on masturbation

My Dp and i have been together for over 11 years, and we do love each other, he is my best friend and partner in everything, but my problem is his masturbating, he denys it to me but i know he does it regularly, i have often found evidence Hmm

Dont get me wrong, i dont have a problem with him having a wank if we have sex regular, but theres times when ive tried it on, his knocked me back then i find out his had a wank while watching porn, this really upsets me, which he knows, as i am overweight and have quite low self esteem and i can never in a million years compete with the women he watches in the pornos, am i not good enough for him? I have a very high sex drive also, his is lower but yet hed rather wank Sad AIBU to think too much into this, or delusional thinking he really loves me when he may not or is this all normal?? Confused and just to add im not a prude in any way but sometimes i feel he just uses me,maybe im a bit oversensitive about this issue, TIA

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 23/05/2016 06:26

What he's doing is wrong but, have you had a conversation about what both of your likes are sexually? I'm thinking, he likes something quite niche and is too embarrassed to tell you.

AyeAmarok · 23/05/2016 06:39

If someone is choosing to wank to porn over real life sex with their partner, that is a bad sign.

It would suggest to me that he's selfish about his needs and sees real sex (ie sex where the woman doesn't come within 30 seconds of penetration) as too much effort. So he'll just sort himself out.

Ps- no wonder your self-esteem is low if your DP is doing this to you.

AyeAmarok · 23/05/2016 06:41

What is the sex like when you do have it?

Is he also ruining himself with death-grip?

Marilynsbigsister · 23/05/2016 06:44

Physical attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. It is also very difficult to feel turned on by your sexual partner if you don't find them attractive, but that doesn't mean you have to be super slim or drop dead gorgeous, it just means that s/he found you attractive when you met and radical changes to that can turn people off
. What I am trying to pussy foot around and say is ; if he got together with you because amongst other things you were are petite size8, (and this is what physically attracts him) and you are now a size 20, then yes, he is going to find the physical side of your relationship together a challenge.

On the other hand, If you have always been 'over weight' and it was not a problem before, if sex was more frequent previously and the weight gain is not something that has changed much since you began your relationship, then he is being very unfair and you need to have a serious talk.

PeppasNanna · 23/05/2016 07:24

Personally, no one decides if another person can/should/ gets to masturbate.

I've been in a relationship 17 years. I wouldn't dream on passing comment on my partner masturbatingas I wouldn't expect him to comment on me!

seeyounearertime · 23/05/2016 07:32

There's also a certain level of boredom that creeps in to relationships, especially after 11years.

The thing that would bother me, I think, is the lying and the denying it. He's obviously feeling guilty for whatever reason. Unless you've 'told him off' in the past for doing it and now he doesn't want to be chastised?

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 23/05/2016 07:52

What Marilyn and Peppas said

Imnotaslimjim · 23/05/2016 08:16

If he was masturbating as part of a healthy sexual relationship I wouldn't be bothered. But given that he's preferring it to actual sex I'd have a problem with it. I think you need to be talking to him about it tbh

summerwinterton · 23/05/2016 08:22

This is about porn use not masturbation. I couldn't be with a porn user I am afraid - that is what you need to be considering.

honeymom · 23/05/2016 08:27

Sometimes it's just quicker and easier to masturbate. I agree with the poster that said there might be a thing he has a fetish for and is embarrassed to talk to you about it.

Have you tried just talking to him?

Porn and masturbation is pretty normal as long as it's not over taking your sex life. Id say after 11 years it's pretty normal that things will have dropped off a bit and sex can get a bit mundane and habitual unless you really make the effort to set aside time to explore and make it interesting.

talk to him Op

Original poster
Boofaloofa · 23/05/2016 08:41

Thanks guys, the sex is good, and i have suggested watching porn together but he doesnt want to, it embarrases him when i talk to him about sex, and i dont want him to stop as i know its natural,everyone does im sure, i think it really boils down to me being insecure, even tho i know he loves me, i have put on a bit of weight since we met gone up a couple of sizes, think i need to work on myselfCakeWine lol but thankyou all for your thoughts, appreciated

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 23/05/2016 09:29

Erm what - he uses porn and you blame yourself? What kind of mansplaining shite is this? Are you actually kidding? Bloody hell. He prefers to watch porn than have a meaningful relationship with you and refuses to talk to you about it and you think this is your fault. Bloody hell.

Masturbation is normal. Accepting porn use and blaming yourself for that - well that is a million miles from normal.

KnockMeDown · 23/05/2016 09:33

What Summer said, a million times over!

JackandDiane · 23/05/2016 09:36

christ wanking is banned on mumsnet now?

AyeAmarok · 23/05/2016 09:42

Wanking doesn't bother me. Wanking to porn I might even be OK with (depending on the content).

Wanking instead of having sex with your partner, who actually wants to have sex with you? Not good.

JackandDiane · 23/05/2016 09:44

some porn is quite naice, you know

almost like a Waitrose Essential

DrMorbius · 23/05/2016 09:53

As usual with the MN-Borg-Dones there are a lot of assumptions going on here.
my problem is his masturbating, he denys it to me but i know he does it regularly, i have often found evidence. Really.....you often find evidence? Seems odd for something he is trying to hide. Have you shown him the evidence? (It may stop him denying it, or at least start a conversation).

but theres times when ive tried it on, his knocked me back then i find out his had a wank while watching porn do you mean you caught him watching porn or you suspect he is?

I would seriously doubt his masturbation frequency has changed throughout your relationship. If he doesn't want sex I doubt it is because f mastubating. They are separate things.

Separate myth from fact. Sit him down, embarrassed or not and have grown up discussion on your sex life.

honeybunny14 · 23/05/2016 10:03

Surely he can wank if he wants my dp does it regularly never bothers me I would be pissed off if he had a problem with me masturbating I don't see the problem with porn either mabey watch it together?

Original poster
Boofaloofa · 23/05/2016 10:09

Yes dr morbius asan example, i really wanted sex one night, he was too tired, didnt want to, got upvthe next morning and he had accidentally left some spunk covered trousers at the bottom of the stairs, which he had forgot to move. I was pretty much devastated, what is so wrong withme kind of thing and ive seen it onlaptop and his phone,

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 23/05/2016 10:12

This is not about masturbating - OP, are you okay with porn use? The exploitation and abuse of women? Surely that should be your issue here. You want to look at death grip and the effects of porn on your sex life. Educate yourself. This is not about him not being permitted to masturbate - whoever says that is what this is about needs to educate themselves.

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe · 23/05/2016 10:23

People always mention 'death grip' on these threads but it appears to be the 21st centuries internet equivalent of 'too much masturbation makes you go blind'. Medically, there is no such thing as death grip.

honeymom · 23/05/2016 11:23

Seriously... Porn is just a brief fantasy. Sure it sexualises woman. But most men are not stupid enough to confuse fantasy with reality.

Wanking takes no effort. Sex does. They are different things.

Leaving cum covered trousers on the floor... Now that is very unreasonable.

DrMorbius · 23/05/2016 11:37

I really wanted sex one night, he was too tired, didnt want to, got upvthe next morning and he had accidentally left some spunk covered trousers at the bottom of the stairs

That whole scenario is just too weird!!!!!
got up the next morning so is he wanking over his breakfast?
spunk covered trousers is he an elephant (quantity of jizz)? Was he so overcome with the urge to wank that he din't make any clean up preparation (SOP)!!!
Then what...he casually discarded his jizz soaked trousers and set off to work!!!!

seeyounearertime · 23/05/2016 11:46

Drmorbius, I would assume the OP meant that she was horny, her OH said no and she went to bed. When she got up the next morning she found cum stained trousers.

It is weird though, I've been a wanker most of my life and I've always managed to avoid slug trails on my clothing.

picklypopcorn · 23/05/2016 11:47

Are you me?

I had this exact same worry after 2 years with DP. Fortunately I have a DP who's very open and we can talk about anything :) This is how he explained it:

A wank is not related in any way to sex. It's a release of tension, he's not declaring his undying affection for the women in these films and he doesn't "prefer" them to you. You might feel like he's "replacing" sex with porn but he's not, trust me. To him sex and a wank are 2 completely different activities, it's like playing squash and tennis Grin

Do you masturbate? Personal question I know but it might help you to separate the difference between sex and masturbation if you experience it yourself?

Finally it's a massive leap to suggest having a wank means he loves you less! Even sex doesn't equate to love never mind a quick wank!

Anyway, DP and I solved it by having a really long discussion. I told him about my self esteem issues (i'm also overweight!) and how I felt "compared" to these women. He explained the difference he saw between our loving sexual relationship and his need for a release of tension..

I actually came to the conclusion I'd be pretty offended if DP sidled up to me and "used" my body as a way to release his tension and would much rather our sex life was an expression of love, not of frustration :)

We have an agreement now that suits us both. We BOTH have "alone time" when we need it but never when sex might be on the table (eg an evening when we are both at home etc) and we agree to only talk about it if it starts to become a problem for wither one of us. I have no idea what flavor of porn DP watches and don't want to know! Likewise, he respects my privacy although we have had chats about it in the past if it's something either of us wants to try out Blush

A relationship needs compromise and honesty, if you've got those 2 things pinned down you'll work this out :)

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