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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H wet the bed while drunk

50 replies

NZmonkey · 21/05/2016 16:21

My husband after telling me he would no longer get stupidly drunk and come to bed because he frightens me with his ranting and raving in his sleep when he does as well as his sometimes throwing his arms around. Tonight said in his sleep while once again stupidly drunk I need to go to the toilet and proceded to do just that in our bed and onto the floor. He then blatantly refused that he had done it until I turned the main light on and then got furious with me for telling him to clean it up. Told me everyone hates me when i act like that and what is my problem. He is back fast asleep 3am here and I'm on the couch unsure if I'm more angry or scared.
I don't have a question I just needed to rant and its not like I can go to my friends in real life especially at 3am.

OP posts:
HoppingForward · 21/05/2016 16:39

Rant away. I've unfortunately been in your situation. You won't get any sense out of him tonight whilst he is drunk.

Hopefully waking up soaked in his own urine will be a wake up call as well as needing to pay for the carpet to be cleaned (if you have one) plus new mattress and bedding.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2016 16:42

You can rant most certainly but it won't do you any favours in the long run. You can only help your own self ultimately by removing yourself completely from your day to day life with him.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Do you have children?.

Why are you and he together at all now?.

Do you think he is an alcoholic?. If so you need to be apart from him, you and he should not be together any more. Your own recovery from this will only start when you are apart.

Judging by your username and the time you quoted (3.00am) you are not UK based; I would try and contact a branch of Al-anon tomorrow morning, you need their support too.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/05/2016 16:45

Disgusting pig. Has he done it before? If he were my Dh it would be a one off, I couldn't live with someone who did that, I'd lose respect.

Original poster
NZmonkey · 21/05/2016 16:51

Hopping did it work as a wake up call. I thought the last time when he really frightened me as he was raving about there being someone else in the room with us and then told me to leave if I had a problem 'woke' him up but clearly not. Your rightwont get any sense tonight he is fast asleep and won't wake up which suits me fine.

Throughthink it better be a once off.

OP posts:
Original poster
NZmonkey · 21/05/2016 16:55

Atilla your post is what I'm still awake trying to figure out. No we haven't got children together. He has a daughter who I have an amazing relationship with. Your 3cs really hit home. If he isn't classed as an alcoholic he is definitely heading that way. We have staying with us a friend of his who is a recovering alcoholic. Its the reason H got so furious with me as his mate would have over heard me telling him to clean it up.

OP posts:
NewLife4Me · 21/05/2016 16:55

I know it's probably not what you want to hear but that is disgusting and he'd have been gone the first time if it were me.
How can you live with someone who refuses to control his bladder, which is what he is doing if he gets that drunk on purpose.

Please look after yourself and get rid of this excuse of a man, who clearly doesn't care or love you at all.

OurBlanche · 21/05/2016 16:59

Its the reason H got so furious with me as his mate would have over heard me telling him to clean it up. You have to love his logic... when he is sober, repeat that and point out that if he hadn't pissed all over the place you wouldn't have had to say anything!

But I suspect you do need to decide if this is really working for you well enough to stay!

Good luck

Original poster
NZmonkey · 21/05/2016 17:52

Thanks for the posts. I think its dawning on me that I really can not fix this he has to. I can't even leave and go to my grandmothers which is where I'd normally run to because my cat is very very sick and needs medicine and syringe feeding and H is more likely to kick her than help her as she is my cat. So H needs to leave at least for a bit. But in the past when I've asked him to go he has just sat down put a massively smug face on and said I'm not going anywhere, why should I go, you go if you have a problem.

OP posts:
HoppingForward · 21/05/2016 19:25

No it didn't work. I spent too many years making excuses for our broken marriage and finally decided enough was enough at the beginning of this year.

I didn't ask him to go. I let him leave for work, packed his stuff up, left it outside and told him I needed sometime to myself whilst locking the doors. That was nearly 4 months ago and although it's not been easier it certainly is better and I'm stronger now than ever before.

hollyisalovelyname · 21/05/2016 19:29

Can you bring the cat to your grandmothers ?

Original poster
NZmonkey · 21/05/2016 19:40

Hopping as much as that wasnt what i was hoping to hear im glad you are doing well now. Thank you for sharing that.

Yes I probably could take her to GMs if I need to as she has no other animals now. Although it will probably cause my cat even more destress, she has been hiding behind the TV since her last round of medication. Think she will be back at the after hours vet today needing more I've fluids. I don't have my own kids so she is my 'baby'.

OP posts:
redgoat · 21/05/2016 19:41

Get a cat carrier and take the cat with you. You need to get away from this man and you deserve better. If he's effectively sitting down and saying "make me" when you ask him to leave, then he is adding to his abuse of you. Xx

ReturnfromtheStars · 21/05/2016 19:42

I would not want to live with someone capable of being cruel to my cat.

When my BIL moved in with my SIL she already had a dog. BIL has never been very enthusiastic about animals, but he is always kind to the dog, walks him, feeds him when needed etc. He would never kick him, I am shocked your H would.

So sorry you are in this situation.

hollyisalovelyname · 21/05/2016 19:56

My DH doesn't like dogs but when we got one for dcs he was nice to it.

Original poster
NZmonkey · 21/05/2016 20:05

The cat carrier is already out as she went to the vet yesterday. He is often very nice to her. Guess like he is often very nice to me. But if he is tired, hung over, drunk, sick or just in a bad mood for any other reason I usually cop it and once the cat did. She was sick in the house over a year ago and rather than being worried about her he started swearing his head off at her and chased her out. Given the mood he will be in when he wakes..... I don't want her in the firing line.
Its just got light here so I'm escaping to the gym for a few hours. He won't wake in that time or at least not leave the bedroom. Will ask him to go to his mums for a few nights when I get back so I can think. If he won't guess I'll be visiting GM. Least she is expecting me this evening as I offered to take her to church as she doesn't like driving in the dark anymore. And she always loves if I stay as GD died a few years back and she gets lonely.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 21/05/2016 20:38

Are you in NZ ?

Original poster
NZmonkey · 21/05/2016 20:42

Yea. Mumsnet is a blessing the world over thankfully Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
NZmonkey · 22/05/2016 00:17

Well H has done what I asked and left to give me some space. Said he has booked a motel. I think he is to disgusted with himself to go to his parents and tell them what's wrong. He has said he will go to the doctor on Monday to talk about his drinking and about possibly going back on anti depressants and this time round getting counseling. Hope he does for his daughters sake because at least I can escape him if he doesn't.

OP posts:
redgoat · 22/05/2016 00:19

Glad he has taken a small step. Take care of yourself.

OutToGetYou · 22/05/2016 01:22

Isn't it a bit odd that he has his friend to stay, who is a recovering alcoholic, and gets roaring drink himself? Not exactly supportive is it?

If one of my friends was in that situation and came to stay I'd put all alcohol out of sight, probably in the garage, and sit and have a nice cup of tea with them!

paxillin · 22/05/2016 02:03

You say you can't talk to rl friends. You should. Don't cover for him. He falls asleep in the front garden, let the neighbours see. He pisses the bed at 3am, let his friend who is staying hear. Do not hide it, the shame is his, do not take it on. As Attila said, you didn't cause it. Alcoholics rely on others to cover it up, to pick up their slack and to come up with endless stories. Just don't, people can see through it anyway. And let him know you won't cover and that everyone can see it anyway. Every alcoholic knows others he spotted long before they were "out" and every alcoholic believes they can hide it.

differentnameforthis · 22/05/2016 03:06

Although it will probably cause my cat even more destress, she has been hiding behind the TV since her last round of medication. Your poor cat, but aren't you just doing the same thing? Hiding, because you are scared of him?

Original poster
NZmonkey · 22/05/2016 03:06

Yes agree its very odd to get drunk all the time when your friend who is staying is a recovering alcoholic. His friend is staying until he finds a place of his own so far its been two months. I really don't mind that part though as he is a great guy now and I never knew him when he drank thankfully. I'm also very thankful he is here as I really need the company today. I had to take the cat back to the vet and they need to keep her there till Monday evening at the earliest. Almost burst into tears in the vet clinic.
Your right pax I do probably need to talk to people and not just keep thinking I'm somehow being unreasonable and controlling when I ask him not to get so drunk thatim scared to be around

OP posts:
Spring2016 · 22/05/2016 04:22

You are not unreasonable or controlling. Good luck.

lateforeverything · 22/05/2016 17:20

Hey NZ

Hope your dh does go to the Doctor on Monday, fingers crossed he gets a wake-up call and realises the consequences of his actions.

Thinking of you. Just checked the time in NZ after I wrote to you on the other board- I guess you'll see this when get up so have this Brew