H wet the bed while drunk

[NZmonkey]

My husband after telling me he would no longer get stupidly drunk and come to bed because he frightens me with his ranting and raving in his sleep when he does as well as his sometimes throwing his arms around. Tonight said in his sleep while once again stupidly drunk I need to go to the toilet and proceded to do just that in our bed and onto the floor. He then blatantly refused that he had done it until I turned the main light on and then got furious with me for telling him to clean it up. Told me everyone hates me when i act like that and what is my problem. He is back fast asleep 3am here and I'm on the couch unsure if I'm more angry or scared.
I don't have a question I just needed to rant and its not like I can go to my friends in real life especially at 3am.

Hi late
I had a lovely evening with my Grandmother, took her to mass as she doesn't like driving at night and then made dinner for us both. Was very strange at home last night just me and Hs friend. He was lovely though let me prattle on about my cat. It was her I struggled not to have with me.
I've just picked her up from after hours vet and need to take her to my own vet in an hour. They said she did way better than expected. She seems so much better putting for first time in days and thrashing around her box which is much more like her. I'm so relieved.
I've heard nothing from H but I'm sort of relieved about that too.

Decided to give H a chance. He promised no alcohol anymore. Instead this week he is sick. So on Friday i picked DSD up from school and looked after her all by myself till 2pm today when I said to H it was my gym time. He ripped into me about it, I go to the gym every Saturday Sunday without fail I was only asking him to parent his daughter for 1hr. He isn't that sick just sore ears and a head cold. I told him my nan wld join DSD and I for dinner as I didn't want to waste as entire roast meal just o two of us. And he started swearing at me. I said I couldn't hang around for this and was going to go. He proceeded to have a go at me in front of DSD who's 5. Then when I said please stop I have to go he picked her up and said don't do this to us. I begged him to not make her see what he was doing he let her leave the room. DSD ended up going to my families for dinner. Brought her home after and got her to sleep. H says its all my fault I didnt do anything to help him or ask how he is feeling today. Says we need couples counselling, wot go alone and refuses to go back on his anti depressants.
I've just totally rambled this just needed to vent. I know I need to leave him but probably won't. And if I leave DSD will be totally in the firing line instead of me taking the brunt of it and her just getting the leftovers of his abuse.

he's furious because he can't drink to vent his stress. I'm an alcoholic (2 years and change sober) and stopping for someone else just made me angry and resentful.

unless he wants to, he won't change. he needs to want to be sober more than he wants to drink. this displaced anger at you won't stop unless he addresses the root causes of his stress and his drinking.

being drunk to the point of total incapacitation is not usual. people without a drink problem don't have those weird 'night terror' style episodes. neither do they piss the bed and refuse to acknowledge that this is a major issue.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. I think you need to get your ducks in a row and plan your next move. have a look at Al-Anon (although it's not always a healthy environment) and there's a brilliant website called Sober Recovery which has a forum for friends and families of problem drinkers.

www.soberrecovery.com/forums

sorry I can't do a link on my phone. on the Forums page, scroll down to the Friends and Families of Alcoholics section - I hope you find it useful.

exwife thank you for your message. I'll have a look at al-anon again I had a brief look last week after someone suggested it but was at work so wasn't the time/place. I had asked H how he was planning to deal with life if he wasn't going to be using alcohol to do that he told me he has absolutely no stresses or problems other than that. So no need to talk to anyone or see his GP. He has been having the night terrors for probably a decade and remembering back he has always drunk heavily on weekends for all of that time just the mid week drinking has got so much worse these last few years. I'm not sure what to do about DSD today its pretty obvious he expects me to look after her. I'm almost tempted to ring her mum explain things and ask if she would rather have the day with her.

You poor thing this sounds like a truly awful situation to be in. I would ring your dsd mum and explain briefly then take her home and talk to her mum properly. She's only little and shouldn't be anywhere near this situation (not blaming you). Then get you and your cat out of there for good.

No she shouldn't be anywhere near this and I can't understand why H couldn't put her smack bang in the middle of it. Its only 7am here so in an hour I'll contact DSDs mum. H probably won't get out of bed again today.

Phone sd mother and explain everything.
Throw him out again. Why did you think he had changed in two weeks?!

I didn't exactly think he would have changed. But he blamed it solely on the drinking so needed to give it a chance. DSDs mum came and got her early and I told her what happened/is happening. She asked what H is actually like with DSD so I told her. She has said call her anytime to chat, as well as anytime I can't cope she will make up an excuse to keep DSD with her or pick her up. She was wonderful to me. And I know she will now be able to help DSD cope with what happened and whatever happens next better because she knows what is going on rather than just guessing.

Is that helpful though? BecUse you sd is keeping you innthis sham of a relationship and her mother's solution is that you can call her when you need help with his daughter??

You didnt think he had changed but he said it is because of the drink... which he is doing. So, even forgetting about your sacrifices and what his daugher has to out up with, but how does allowing him to do whatever he wants with no consequences help him?

Ugh. That he would kick your cat was the finisher for me, please get the hell away from this man.

Dsd's mum needs to be thinking about supervised contact, but that's not your problem.

You can maintain a close relationship with your DSD without staying with her twatbadger of a father, particularly now that you've told her mum what's going on. Get this man out of your life!

Let's be realistic here, probably not, it's hard enough when the two actual parents split

I've just spent the evening here with my Grandmother taking her to church and having dinner with her. She agrees with you all. H has cleaned the whole house and is trying to be very very nice. I've booked an appt with a counsellor and will start to sort out my ducks in case.

How can you be with someone who would kick your ill cat? Seriously that's awful

Yikes...I think his problems relate to his drinking - whether he actually is actually drunk or trying not to drink. He is verbally abusive towards you, including in front of his DD and is aggressive towards a vulnerable animal. Even when he tries to change he can't keep it up for a week and then blames you for his inability to do so. Is that about the sum of it? You say he's 'trying' to be nice which suggests even you don't think he is capable of being nice really. You need to seriously think about your future with this man. I honestly think you can do better.

That's just really disgusting (I don't mean to offend anyone) a grown man getting drunk then wetting the bed.

If DP did a disgusting act like that, I would send him out to buy a new mattress the minute he sobered up

The cleaning and being nice is part of the cycle of abuse though. He hasnt changed though, has he? Hes just pretending hes changed so you stay and then it all starts again.

Faith you sum things up very well. Night the cleaning and how nice he has been to me today including his offer to have dinner ready for when I get home is all part of the cycle. I'm just really really hoping he will continue to stay off the drink and will see his doctor/talk to a counsellor and it will break the cycle for good.

I'm sorry you're going through this
I have been through similar
You did the right thing telling DSD s mum- she needs to know so she can protect her daughter appropriately
Yes yes to the sober recovery website; it was an enormous source of strength to me
You have to look after yourself first of all, and recognise a lot of what he say and does is because of twisted alcoholic thinking. You can't change that, but he can. Please notice how your posts are all about him; please start to make them all about the choices you are going to take. It doesn't sound like he's really acknowledged to himself the depths of his issues. He's using you (plus cat) as an emotional punchbag when the truth starts to hit him.
Please go and stay with your gran. Tell him you'll be back when he has been sober for six months. See how that goes down. His reaction will tell you all you need to know about his attitude. If he is serious about changing he will accept your point of view...

Ok you are going about this from the wrong end. You need to separate while he sorts himself out. For his sake. (And yours obviously).

Then he needs to decide if he wants to get sober for him. Not for his DD and not for you. He also needs to decide for himself if he is going to get help or not.

Meantime you need to decide if it's worth waiting the year or more this will take.

Then when he has sorted his shit he needs to win you back. Start again.

You really ought to tell you DSDs mum too. But I'm sure she knows. At least tell her you are leaving.

For the record my ex is like your H. He still is. Our kids no longer see him - their choice aged 8 & 9, to go to court to stop it.

He still hasn't admitted that the problem is his. He destroys everything in his life. None of his family see him. Not one person. He cannot maintain friendships because guests are a legitimate excuse to drink and he is an evil drunk.

I used to think he was ill - but having read "why does he do that" by Lundy I came to the conclusion that actually he is just a c**t.

Good luck OP. This is pretty much the low point. But make that decision now for everyone's sake.

Update: I'm the OP here. And I wish with all my life I'd run the mile all you lovely ladies told me to at the time. But I didn't.
Finally two full years down the track I've escaped. My STBXH has told me to fuck off for the last time. And I have a shit hot lawyer to help me be rid of him.
He never changed, not one bit.

OP, the one good thing about this is that it took another 2 years, not 20.

No, they don't change (or rarely). But, sometimes, the transformations in their partners is a lovely thing to behold. You've got a lawyer, you know what you're doing.

Sorry it didn't work out but that was inevevitable.
But you are out.
And now you can start your new life away from this vile bully.
Well done on taking back control of your life.
Now keep away.
Block, ignore, delete

Delighted it worked out for you OP.
A friend drinks to excess. It doesn't affect me personally but I am sad as excess wine is not the solution to the problems he faces. It will just cause more problems.
He is in denial.