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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do if you were me?

29 replies

ToStayOrToGo · 11/05/2016 12:27

Dp and I have been together 4 years, own a house together but no DC. Things have been rough since October/November time and I can't for the life of me decide whether to continue with the relationship. Before that things were OK, but I did feel a little taken for granted, I tried to say something but maybe I didn't try hard enough.

So, positives

  • on the whole we want similar things from life
  • similar interests
  • we compliment each other well (what one is good at the other isn't)
  • we used to have fun together

negatives

  • I feel he is marginally sexist
  • can be prone to talking down to me (he does this to everyone though)
  • very rarely makes me laugh any more
  • the bad few months have really got me down, I'm not sure I can let him back in

I don't know whether we could be happy together again or whether its better to end it. He is making a massive effort at the moment.

I feel like there may be people better suited to each other out there but I am not sure whether this is just a bad patch or not

OP posts:
Twitterqueen · 11/05/2016 12:29

You need to talk to him and tell him exactly what you are thinking.

However, I think if it's got to the stage where you are making pros and cons lists of whether to stay or go..... it's time to go. And certainly before you have any DCs.

The words 'love' and 'laughter' and 'friendship' appear nowhere in your post.

Twitterqueen · 11/05/2016 12:31

whoops! ok, just spotted the 'rarely makes me laugh' bit.

But from your post, you clearly don't love him.

Original poster
ToStayOrToGo · 11/05/2016 12:52

I did love him, I'd have done anything for him..........but the last few months have been awful and I feel like its faded. I do still love him, its whether we can go back to the way it was.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 11/05/2016 12:56

It sounds to me as though the relationship has run it's course.

Original poster
ToStayOrToGo · 11/05/2016 12:57

He is really keen to make it work, its so tough....

OP posts:
stomachinknots · 11/05/2016 13:01

However, I think if it's got to the stage where you are making pros and cons lists of whether to stay or go..... it's time to go.

Wow. A very interesting comment. Feels kinda true. I wonder if anyone has made a list like this, decided to stay, and been glad they did.

Joysmum · 11/05/2016 13:02

I've had cycles of a few months plus feeling awful because we were going through a bad patch, I think most couples do.

Difference is, I couldn't have imagined wanted to leave, I knew the man I fell in love with was still there but hidden and before our bad patch we had a good, not just ok marriage. I'd never settle for ok for the rest of my life.

Twitterqueen · 11/05/2016 13:03

Can i ask if something happened? You say he's making a massive effort and since October / November things have been rough.

Was he unfaithful? I feel there was a trigger that you haven't told us about.

category12 · 11/05/2016 13:35

Yes the cause of the bad months is relevant, I think.

Original poster
ToStayOrToGo · 11/05/2016 14:03

No, no cheating or anything

A few stressful things happened in our lives and I've taken the hit on managing all the situations, making sure everything works out OK. I felt incredibly taken advantage of and his stress has been taken out on me.

I felt incredibly downtrodden

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 11/05/2016 14:07

Why not have a break for a few months? Move out, rent somewhere for six months and see him as often as you feel like seeing him. That will tell you everything.

Original poster
ToStayOrToGo · 11/05/2016 14:19

I'm not sure he'd accept that, he wouldn't want to hang around waiting.

Also finances wouldn't allow

OP posts:
Labradorlover01 · 11/05/2016 14:28

Try to hang on in there... If he's trying really hard at the moment I'm assuming you've spoken to him about the issues and he is therefore making the extra effort... It can take a while after a stressful time in a relationship to get things back on track but as long as he is trying there's a good chance things will get better and you will feel again as you did before... Sometimes rough patches can make relationships stronger in the long run. I'd give it a few months and then if you still feel the same re-evaluate it but keep speaking to your partner and let him know you appreciate the effort and make the effort back for it to work

Original poster
ToStayOrToGo · 11/05/2016 14:32

We've agreed to try for the next few months. He keeps asking for updates on how I am feeling though all the time, but things take time don't they.

He is aware of why I feel like I do and on the whole is making an effort but can still be snappy at times.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 11/05/2016 14:36

Has he is keen to make it work translated into actions and deeds? Or just cheap words?

Baconyum · 11/05/2016 14:38

Anyone who sees my posts knows I don't think women should put up with crap if that's what they are getting.

Having said that, relationships go through ups and downs, is this the first big down? Because honestly it sounds like he had stuff happen, he's not totally over it yet so not his normal self, you've been supporting him and you're kinda running out of the energy to do so? You need support (doesn't have to be from him) but in a few more years it may be you having a shit time and him supporting you.

But yes you need to get him to address the sexism and condescension (are they linked?) But people evolve, especially if they're still relatively young.

Definitely resolve before dc though as that's extra stress.

Baconyum · 11/05/2016 14:40

This is one time counselling WOULD be a good idea, not just relationship counselling but counselling regarding whatever caused the stress?

Original poster
ToStayOrToGo · 11/05/2016 14:43

He's saying the right thing and looking sad about it possibly being over.

Actions less so, he bought flowers the other week and has stages of being all over me (but a bit too much to be honest).

I'm finding it hard to let him back in, in case it all happens again

OP posts:
Original poster
ToStayOrToGo · 11/05/2016 14:46

He's always had a stressful job, way above his age really. I've always done my best to take the stress away for him and help as much as possible as that's just who I am, I like to help.

I ran out of energy to support him and cope with the way he talks to me.

He is trying hard not to be shitty I think now

OP posts:
Jan45 · 11/05/2016 14:54

4 years, so much misery, you are supposed to be enhanced by your partner, not downtrodden, shocked at the amount of posts on here about men who are basically absolute bastards and weak men.

Original poster
ToStayOrToGo · 11/05/2016 14:57

It wasn't always like that though, which is why I am wondering what to do...

He has put his hands up to his mistakes but I am concerned his actions may reoccur down the line if I let him back in again.

But then they may not and things may be great

I am concerned that maybe my expectations are too high.

OP posts:
softboiledeggs · 11/05/2016 15:23

I had a similar situation to you from the sounds of it and was about to walk out and was looking into finances and where to rent. Told other half I'd had enough, I'd tried to tell him before that but obviously it hadn't sunk in before I said I was leaving how serious I was.
I really didn't think he'd change his attitude (also spoke down to me and could be snappy) but he promised he would and I gave it one last go. 5 years later we are stronger for it, much better at talking and sorting things out before they boil over now and it makes me shiver to think I nearly walked out on the man I now again love to bits. I know it doesn't always work out but if he is willing to work on it give him the benefit of the doubt and a chance to put things right , if he goes back on his word to change the way he treats you then it may be time to move on, good luck op.

Jan45 · 11/05/2016 15:26

Taken for granted, spoke down to, in four years of being together, does not bode well OP, I'd live separately and let him prove to you that he is worthy, you definitely are not expecting too much, it sounds pretty awful.

Original poster
ToStayOrToGo · 11/05/2016 15:40

He is now definitely trying but its almost harder than letting someone new get close as I am finding it hard to move on from everything.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 11/05/2016 15:41

Well, he can't be that serious if he wouldn't be willing to hang around for a few months.

I think it's run its course. It's only four years and for seven months it's been awful. He doesn't make you laugh and he takes you for granted. I'd cut my losses to be honest. You'd have more of a reason to work at it if there were children, but without them then you only need to think of yourself.

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