Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I think my husband has just left me

42 replies

YoniMitchell · 10/05/2016 22:43

Never thought I'd be posting this.

Just walked in from a business trip for him to announce he's leaving. Won't or can't say why, just he 'can't stay'. We've been together for 20 years, married for 8 and have a 2yo DS.

I am heartbroken for me and heartbroken for DS.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick and it all feels so unreal.

I don't want to lose him. I love him and he said he still loves me, so wtf?

OP posts:

SocialDisaster · 10/05/2016 22:47

This happened to me so I understand the shock.

HairyBigSpider · 10/05/2016 22:48

Sorry to hear this Yoni. He needs to explain his reasons to you not just say that he can't stay. Has he gone?

FetchezLaVache · 10/05/2016 22:48

I'm so sorry, love, you must be reeling, no wonder you can't quite take it all in. Have you got a friend IRL you can ring?

...First thing tomorrow, you need to get your ducks in a row. Joint accounts, marriage certificate, legal advice etc etc. I know you won't want to hear this, but it sounds awfully like there may be someone else involved.

timelytess · 10/05/2016 22:48

Obviously there is far more to this than you know.
The love you have for him will wear off. You have already lost him. You'll never trust him again.
His 'love' for you is fictional - he 'can't stay' and that says it all.
Think 'Right, you fucker' and get your ducks in a row. Tomorrow, make a solicitors appointment.
Don't waste your time wondering if there's another woman, what she's like, what they've done together or not. He's been quite clear.
Don't have him back and don't have sex with him.

And have hugs. I didn't sleep or keep still for weeks after me and the ex husband split up. The above points are the things I wish someone had said to me.

Original poster

YoniMitchell · 10/05/2016 23:07

Can't talk to anyone in RL. My parents would be in bits and worry (they've had a really bad year, don't want to add to their stress), friends are all shared or miles away.

He's gone to his mums, just had a text from her.

Cheating isn't his style, but then again I never thought leaving me and DS would be.

He's insisting he's not leaving our DS. Yeah, right. So who will be here when the poor little thing wakes up tomorrow all oblivious?

Have told my boss I won't be in for a few days while I sort myself out.

I really don't want to lose him. I am prepared to fight for our marriage, whatever has happened (or not) or whatever it takes.

I knew he was stressed about work, but thought that was all it was. I feel equally betrayed that he didn't talk to me about it than his leaving, having packed his bags and loaded the car before I got back.

However, solicitor tomorrow, just to see where I stand?

OP posts:

Original poster

YoniMitchell · 10/05/2016 23:09

He's even taken the poncy shaving set DS and I gave him for his birthday.

OP posts:

wobblywonderwoman · 10/05/2016 23:17

that's horrendous op. I hope you get good advice on here. can you change the locks so he cannot come and go as he pleases. it is just awful for you after 20 years

blinkersoff66 · 10/05/2016 23:18

You complain that DH won't be there for DS in the morning?
You state you have taken time off work so you'll be there won't you?

Original poster

YoniMitchell · 10/05/2016 23:19

I really can't believe he's gone. I really want him back. I don't want to lock him out or make it all feel absolute.

OP posts:

Original poster

YoniMitchell · 10/05/2016 23:21

I will be here, but I can't bear the thought of DS's daily routines being shattered. He's only 2. We (or maybe just I?) had such plans for the future of our little family.

OP posts:

Offred · 10/05/2016 23:23

Ach, let him go and don't have him back.

Sounds like you have been together from when you were very young if together for 20 years with a two year old so this must be a massive shock.

But really, the way he left was very cruel. I think you should tell your parents. They might be doubly upset that you kept it from them.

Original poster

YoniMitchell · 10/05/2016 23:26

We met at uni. Had DS in late 30s (4 rounds of IVF, so been through a lot together).

I'll speak to my brother tomorrow and then call my parents. They live 200 miles away so won't be able to do anything. Plus mum is about to have surgery, so really can't do anything!

Crap. This was not in the plan.

Have been texting his mum. She's waiting for him to get there.

I just feel really sick.

OP posts:

Original poster

YoniMitchell · 10/05/2016 23:27

To sound really shallow, I don't want to think about the practicalities ether. We have a lovely home, busy jobs and a good lifestyle. Guess that will change.

OP posts:

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 10/05/2016 23:30

Oh Yoni. I am so sorry this is happening to you. What a horrendous shock. Grieve tonight and deal with the practicalities tomorrow or the day after. Just take care of yourself and DS.

Offred · 10/05/2016 23:32

Take it a bit at a time. Will be a while before the practicalities are resolved.

First step getting RL emotional support from friends and family, second step getting practical support from GP if necessary (must be a big shock) and solicitor for legal advice.

tipsytrifle · 10/05/2016 23:34

Yes, what he did was cruel, yes you should tell your parents and a massive ouch. I would let him go but that's me these days. Children have no plans as such, just regular expectations. At 2 he will be fine to adjust. You're the one with a harder time ahead by way of adjustment.

He has planned this departure. I would let him depart. You don't actually have any choice about this. There is no doubt stuff to sort out and presumably he will contact you to arrange finances?

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 10/05/2016 23:38

blinkersoff spectacularly misses the point. Just fuck off, eh, blinkers. There's a love.

Yoni, after 20 years, it doesn't sound good. I don't think that anyone considers the love of their life to be the playing away type, but this is more than "work" stress.

And of course your parents will be devastated. It's their job Glad your brother can be there for you.

Thornrose · 10/05/2016 23:43

blinkers wtf? Why post such an inane comment?

OutToGetYou · 10/05/2016 23:52

My sister's husband left after thirty years. Later admitted to another woman but "nothing physical", later still admitted she had given him an ultimatum to leave his wife.......later yet he eventually admitted to being a serial adulterer going back ten years.

It's really hard to take in.

Not much you can do but for now, let him go, but make sure you have a plan in place to protect yourself and ds.

Allalonenow · 10/05/2016 23:52

I know that feeling of disbelief, you feel as though you have been hit by a train.

He has clearly planned this carefully, be prepared to make several discoveries about him in the coming weeks. Not least that he has created a new life for himself while leaving you in the ruins of your old life.

Take care of yourself, try to eat even if only snacks, keep your fluids up.
Get your hands on joint money if he hasn't already taken it. Remember he is not your friend any longer.

Original poster

YoniMitchell · 10/05/2016 23:57

This is all so hard.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 10/05/2016 23:59

Sad to say, but his abrupt departure suggests this is yet another case of cherchez la femme and if you engage in a one-sided "fight" for your marriage your self-esteem will take a dive and you'll come to regret engaging in the 'pick me' dance with an unwilling or uninterested partner.

As advised by others (above), seek legal advice and wait for him to make contact with you.

Speak to your db but it would be a kindness to hold off telling your dps until your dm has had a week or so recuperating at home following her surgery.

You've had a shock. Make a cuppa or better still a cup of hot milk with a tot of scotch and a spoonful of sugar, keep warm - wrap yourself in a blanket or throw, be sure to stay hydrated, and try to eat nourishing meals/snacks over the next couple of days.

All the worrying and fretting in the world can't change anything tonight so try to switch your thoughts off and get as much sleep as you can so that you can paste a bright smile on for ds.

There'll be no shortage of hands to hold here and you'll find all the support you need 24/7.

Original poster

YoniMitchell · 11/05/2016 00:01

Thank you ladies. Never thought I'd be in this position. Clearly I'm not the first and doubt I'll be the last.

OP posts:

Allalonenow · 11/05/2016 00:02

Tha hot milk mixture is a very good idea.

goddessofsmallthings · 11/05/2016 00:05

And the prize for stating the bleedin' obvious the most unnecessary post goes to the aptly named blinkers. Here we go, b....

Flip

1 2