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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my husband has just left me

42 replies

YoniMitchell · 10/05/2016 22:43

Never thought I'd be posting this.

Just walked in from a business trip for him to announce he's leaving. Won't or can't say why, just he 'can't stay'. We've been together for 20 years, married for 8 and have a 2yo DS.

I am heartbroken for me and heartbroken for DS.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick and it all feels so unreal.

I don't want to lose him. I love him and he said he still loves me, so wtf?

OP posts:

Brosie12 · 11/05/2016 00:08

I don't know your specific situation but I know sometimes it's possible to recover from this and thrive. Something somewhat similar happened to us 7 years into our marriage (sans children at that point) and we worked it out when we had a lot less on the line than you do. It seemed incredible and it still does. We were also together from very young age, but after we both decided what we had in each other was worth fighting for and we both wholeheartedly recommitted, now our relationship is better than it was before - and it prepared us for big unforeseen challenges we then faced afterwards, that would have probably split us up if we hadn't been so recommitted. It was the making of us. I hope that this happens for you, if that is the right thing.

Original poster

YoniMitchell · 11/05/2016 00:11

Thanks Brosie. Good to hear your experience.

OP posts:

WellWhoKnew · 11/05/2016 00:14

I was you two years ago. I think we all look back and wish we'd done things differently as we stumbled through the shock of it all!

My regret - not telling people in RL sooner. I cocooned myself 'protecting/denying' what was going on to all and sundry. Would have been better to scream from the rooftops "My Dickhead of a Husband has just run off and, er, I'm a bit lost on how to cope with this".

People in RL (and MN!) were amazing support once they knew.

As I struggled to cope with the unfolding nightmare (each month brought progressively worse and worse news), all sorts of people came forward, people I barely knew, helped me manage the myriad of problems he'd left me to deal with. And there were loads more who got me through the hard yards when I was falling to pieces with the enormity of it all.

And even if he does come home, people can deal with that. They might tut a bit - but hey that's a small thing compared to trying to cope without support. You'll be amazed at how brilliant people can be in times of adversity. You'll be equally as astonished that the coward you married is capable of such callousness and cunning.

So wrap yourself up in cotton wool and holler is the best advice I can give.

Take care.

timelytess · 11/05/2016 10:07

Oh, yes. Cry and wail. Dd and me would sit on the stairs wailing. It seemed to help. But also sort through stuff in the house and make sure you put anything you might need away from his prying eyes, should he return for his stuff. Evidence of his income and assets.

AmberGreyson · 11/05/2016 10:24

I am so sorry, it happens, you must be strong, he will never find someone like you

Original poster

YoniMitchell · 11/05/2016 11:07

I've spoken to his mum. She's totally blindsided by this too and he's not said anything to her.

Thinking back, he's been down, stressed and drinking a lot (full bottle of wine or more to himself each evening) for the last few weeks. Hates his job (not a new thing, they all struggle with the boss) was looking to move but an opportunity he was offered slowed down a bit.

Am seeing a solicitor for an informal chat today.

I know I may have false hopes, but having known H for 20 years, and speaking to his mum, this is all very out of character.

Hopefully that won't bite me on the arse.

OP posts:

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 11/05/2016 15:37

I hope this works out for the best for you - in whatever way that is.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 15/05/2016 14:09

How are you doing, Yoni??

GeekLove · 15/05/2016 14:15

You cannot fight for a relationship if there's only one of you.
Use this time to get any promises in writing ING and get as much financial information as possible. Put on an outward show of accepting the end of the marriage even if you are miserable inside it will keep him off balance.

However be prepared for him to try and reel you in if you seem too together, he might be testing you as a fall back.

ivykaty44 · 15/05/2016 14:29

This totally out of character is usually sadly misguided as he hadn't done this before - sorry

He is probably involved with another

Not what you want to hear but be prepared for this.

He will probably want to come home at some point, maybe even a year down the line

Don't do the pick me dance

Please tell friends in RL, don't deny yourself thier support

Goingtobeawesome · 15/05/2016 15:59

I'm so sorry, Yoni. It's so shit when your husband goes and does something you never thought they would..

Mrsfluff · 15/05/2016 16:09

I am in a similar position. My husband left about 6 weeks ago, after 20 years together. I can only speak for our situation, but there is nobody else involved. He's finally seen his GP and been diagnosed with depression - looking back I can see he's had it for months.
I'm taking it one day at a time and working on looking after myself, our child and the house. I'm doing lots of thinking and am about to start a course of counselling.
We are talking to each other and spending some time together and as a family. I'm not sure what our future holds, but I'm not giving up without a fight.
I wish you all the best OP, whatever your future holds.

cheneyBenson56 · 29/05/2016 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TvAddict2016 · 29/05/2016 14:47

Reported

Wordsaremything · 29/05/2016 15:48

I'm so sorry , yoni. Re read the original yoni thread yesterday form a few years ago.

oncemoreuntothebreachoncemore · 29/05/2016 18:09

Exactly the same thing happened to me. Transpired he wasn't alone on the business trip. I suspect you may have to face the same unpalatable truth.

My advice is tell your friends as they will provide essential emotional support, and be curt and clinical in all communication with him. It will get to him. His expectation is that you will beg and plead and 'fight' for him. Don't. It will make you look weak and very unattractive. Make yourself unattainable. Two advantages to this - you'll move on so much faster and see him for what he really is, and if you do want him back (no judgement if you do, it is your life) it is the best way of getting him to see realise he is losing.

Liiinooo · 29/05/2016 21:17

This is just awful. My heart goes out to you.

Having read the previous posters I wholeheartedly agree with the people saying don't keep this to yourself. You have done nothing wrong and what is the point of having friends and family if you cannot be there for one another in times of need? Don't shut them out and struggle on your own. This might well be a temporary insanity on your husbands part but if it is going to be long term or even permanent, they will need to know at some point. And to keep it to yourself can become a denial of reality.

Good luck. I will be thinking of you.

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