Why does my husband give "politician's answers"

[Yukduck]

I am NOT looking to divorce him ! I DO love him and have for over 30yrs of (happy) marriage.

HOWEVER my dh never answers the question I ask. I am only just becoming aware of this these past few years but I think he has always done it really. I ask straight questions like "I want to re-decorate the lounge, shall we have plastered and painted walls or stick to wallpaper?".
He responds with "if we plaster and paint I do not want a dark colour, and if we wallpaper the same really".
I get a good idea of what he doesn't want but not what he does want. I have asked him to actually answer the question I ask but this sounds rude and he gets hurt by my being so blunt as he thinks he has answered the question!
Is he the world's perfect husband (non confrontational and a perfect sounding board for my ideas) or is he the worst (frustrating and never gives me an idea of what he really wants).
If you compare him with your partners, how similar is your experience?

Based on the example you've given, he sounds very even handed. Is he a libra by any chance? I am and its almost impossible for me to give an biased answer to anything. I usually answer everything with my opinion followed by 'on the other hand' . I'm not trying to be shady just can't help factoring in all the options, he may be the same?

I don't think there's anything wrong with his answer, really - I'd interpret it as him not having a strong preference between paint and wallpaper, but preferring a light colour in either case. He's discussing it with you, not evading the question.

I would say 'OK, no dark colours, I think you're right on that point. As for the material, do you think paint or paper would look better?'

So acknowledge what he has actually answered then keep nicely rephrasing your question.

DH is exactly like this. Also married almost 30 years. It drives me nuts, and he knows it, but really seems unable to respond in any other way. In fact, I sometimes think it is getting worse.

My problem is that after getting that response, I'd go off thinking he'd answered, then only realise he hadn't when I tried to figure out what we'd agreed.

ime, men don't really care about the decor, they just want the job to be over with.

I think he's trying to tell you he doesn't really care if it's paint or per but has some views on the specific paint or paper whichever way you go.

It would perhaps be clearer if he just said that but it's still clear enough IMO.

Well, if it's about the colour of the walls or the sofa, I'd guess that what he really wants to say is:

'I don't give a tinker's what texture of walls or shade of cream it is, I find interior decoration utterly tedious and wouldn't notice unless you painted the walls black and got a sofa in lime green and fluorescent pink (which would be a bit much). However, I can see you value my input and I feel obliged to express something resembling an opinion.'

If that's the case, don't badger him with endless questions as these can feel a bit pressurising, especially if (like me) you're not good with house decoration (can you tell I prefer beige/magnolia/white walls? - I don't need to think about it!) But if you can occasionally wave in front of him a picture that shows the sort of thing you have in mind, and say 'That's what I'm after', you should be covered wrt taking his preferences into account. Then get on with it.

When DH and I have a conversation, he either 'canvasses' my opinion and then overrules me, or asks me question after question until I get the right answer whatever that is

I think I prefer you DH's way of operating!

He sounds so laid back he's horizontal. I would find that quite tiresome. But unless he's doing it and then moaning afterwards that he never got a chance to give his views, I think it's a pretty minor sin :)

My husband does this! Any practical question is answered with a statement about circumstances but no preference. "Shall we have new curtains in green?" Will get a rendition of window measurements. He also replies to simple requests like a glass of water with "I'll see what I can do," as if it's a difficult quest he might fail at. When challenged he often says the answer was obvious or implied. I have no solution!

I think his answer is fine providing you are just asking his opinion and not wanting his input and he doesn't reveal after the things have been done that he had a further opinion that he hadn't expressed.

If you want his input I would just say so - 'so you aren't really bothered which but I'd like a bit of help with this job, don't really want to be solely responsible for all the decisions TBH'

If he's got secret feelings that is hugely annoying and I'd be making it clear that you aren't psychic and if he has something to say he needs to say it like a grown up.

Stand husband in middle of room. At one end put a roll of wallpaper. At the other end put a tin of paint. See which he trots over to first.

You are welcome.

I have no answers but am still laughing at "Is he a libra".

I'll laugh at you directly if he is Penguin

Nearly 30 years married here. When my DW says i want to re-decorate the lounge, shall we have plastered and painted walls or stick to wallpaper?

In my mind my answer is "I couldn't care less, cover it in newspaper for all I care". But I have learned not to articulate my thoughts. So I will give a carefully crafted response that makes it sound as though I give a toss, but at the same time an answer that requires zero percent of my precious brain power. An answer such if we plaster and paint I do not want a dark colour........ would be perfect.

I think he sounds quite cute! This is like my DH. It occasionally grates on me, but it's just because if he hasn't got any strong feelings about something one way or another, he would rather that I have whatever I want. If it's a serious decision or it's something he actually does have an opinion on then he will always speak up. Do you think your DH gives proper answers when it's something he's really interested in or it's important?

My Dad who was a civil servant for 40 years (now retired) is a bit like this. Maybe it rubbed off from the politicians he worked for!

I agree with morbius It's very difficult to have an opinion, when you genuinely don't have one. Soft furnishings, wallpaper, coving whatever.... Really don't care. More than happy to buy the materials & to do the job though.

All the 'don't really care' answers are equally irritating to me! You do care, you wouldn't like it if it were painted black for example.
My DH is a nightmare for not wanting to get involved in picking colours and then critiquing the end result. Grrrrrr

arf how even-handed of him, how magnanimous, how did you get so lucky?

I'm relatively gobby so I pull him up short: why are you asking me when you've already decided the outcome? Never mention this matter to me again.

Honestly Eustachian in my case I don't care.

Fancy this then drmorbius ?

Thing is 'I don't really care' is also 'you do the whole thing by yourself because I think being uninterested means I shouldn't have to be responsible for it'. You don't get to avoid every job that you aren't interested in. If you have one partner that loves interior decorating and one that CBA then 'I don't care' from the CBA partner is fine but what if both CBA do you just let your house go to shit? Does the woman have to do it whether she likes it or not? What if you want to sell the house?