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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out new partner is an alcoholic

40 replies

lifesabeach · 26/04/2016 11:21

having been single for almost 5 years, i finally met the most caring, thoughtful, considerate, funny and sexy guy!! then 2 weeks ago he openly admitted to me that he is an alcoholic. we dont live together, but time spent together hasnt shown signs of his need for alcohol, change in personality or behaviour. he has met and formed a good bond with my teeenage son, would love youre thoughts and possible experiences from other mums who may be sharing a similar situation. he holds down a responsible job , ive never felt uncomfortable in his company,

OP posts:
Shirkingfromhome · 26/04/2016 11:36

Honestly, I'd take a huge step back. If he's undergoing any treatment or is still in the process of recovery then he needs to be able to accomplish this on his own in the early stages.

If I were you I'd also have a very frank discussion about his addiction, how much he drinks, what he drinks, what are his triggers, has he sought any help or is he not interested in recovery, why did he tell you, what does he want out of this relationship?

The problem with alcohol (or any addiction) is that the longer it goes on the smaller their world will become; work, hobbies, friends, family will are likely to take a backseat or disappear while their addiction takes over more of their life. Same for the partner that chooses to stay with them.

(Speaking as a DD who watched her DM embark on a relationship with an alcoholic that ended in a prison sentence).

Hillfarmer · 26/04/2016 11:37

How long had you been together before he told you?

I would feel concerned about that lack of honesty as much as his condition. Especially having met and bonded with your son.

Scootergrrrl · 26/04/2016 11:42

Is he still drinking? Or did he explain that he was an alcoholic to tell you why he can't drink again? There's a world of difference.

Scootergrrrl · 26/04/2016 11:42

Is he still drinking? Or did he explain that he was an alcoholic to tell you why he can't drink again? There's a world of difference.

Pipsqueak23 · 26/04/2016 11:46

When you say he's an alcoholic, do you mean he is still actively drinking or he is sober and has been for some time and is just informing you that he has a problem with drink?

If he is still drinking or is in the early stages of rehab, then I would take a step back. As this isn't the type of influence you would want around you son. I know I wouldn't want it round mine.

If he has been sober for some time and is just informing you that this has been an issue in the past then I think you can carry on and feel secure as long as he remains open and honest with you about what has triggered him in the past etc x

Original poster
lifesabeach · 26/04/2016 12:04

weve been together for 5 months, which i know isnt a huge ammount of time, but i have been introduced to his circle of friends, and some members of his family, none of which have mentioned anything. he rarely drinks with me, and doesnt make comment when i have a wine . i guess i need to grow a pair and have a heart to heart with him . i dont believe he has ever lied to me, he always follows through plans we make etc(which i think are traits not associated with alcoholism)

OP posts:
PamDooveOrangeJoof · 26/04/2016 12:07

He does still drink then?

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 26/04/2016 12:23

If he is an alcoholic then he shouldn't be drinking at all.

bitchingtwitching · 26/04/2016 12:24

All alcoholics are different, of course lying and deception is a common habit, but I would say that those stereotypical traits are not always obvious. I would think very hard about what you are taking on, from my experience of being married to an alcoholic, and knowing what exdh's new partner is dealing with now...but I am very influenced by my own negative experiences.

ImperialBlether · 26/04/2016 12:26

After watching the Louis Theroux documentary on alcohol addiction, I'd be very wary of this. He's an alcoholic who's still drinking? I would steer clear.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2016 12:29

If he is an alcoholic he should not be drinking alcohol at all and you should not be drinking alcohol with him. He will be an alcoholic for the rest of his days.

It may well be an idea for you to read up on alcoholism and the impact it has not just on the alcoholic but on relationships and family members.

Please do not subject your son to this man any longer let alone your own self. This is not an emotionally healthy relationship at all for you to be in particularly if you happen to be a rescuer and or saviour type when it comes to relationships.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 26/04/2016 12:31

He really should have told you this before meeting your son. It's unfair of him to only have said it now.

You say he rarely drinks with you...he does still drink then? Despite being an alcoholic? I wouldn't go anywhere near an alcoholic who isn't dry.

StKildasNun · 26/04/2016 12:44

It is an addiction. How would you feel if he said he was hooked on cocaine or heroin.

PotteringAlong · 26/04/2016 12:46

An alcoholic who still drinks is a world away from an alcoholic who has been sober for 10 years.

If he still drinks then walk away now.

Heirhelp · 26/04/2016 12:56

5 months into a relationship is early for him to have a strong bond with your child. How long had you been going out before you introduced them?

I would not have a relationship with an addict who is still using. Watch the Louis Theroux documentary on iPlayer to help you understand some of the impact of being an alcoholic.

Original poster
lifesabeach · 26/04/2016 12:57

thanks for all your messages and comments, thres alot to take in !! deciding to tackle the subject tomorrow when next with him (son will be with his father)

OP posts:
MuddhaOfSuburbia · 26/04/2016 12:58

if he's drinking my love I would run a mile

from experience

sorry Flowers

LobsterQuadrille · 26/04/2016 13:32

I'm a recovering alcoholic who cannot moderate so I do not drink at all. However, I do know plenty of alcoholics who have been able to moderate their drinking and very occasionally do have, say, one pint or one glass of wine. It really depends, OP, how long he has been effectively sober for, what his drinking patterns were like when he was an "active" alcoholic and what his aims were when he decided to become sober. Does he attend AA? I do and it advocates a complete "ban" on alcohol which works better for most (although not all) of us. It's a very individual thing and from personal experience I wouldn't introduce myself to any date as "I'm Lobster and I'm an alcoholic" but I would definitely offer this information if I thought that the relationship had any kind of future.

I do tend to agree with the PPs who've said he shouldn't have bonded with your DS but then I wouldn't introduce anyone to my DD until say a year down the line (she has only met two in 18 years).

I agree that you need to speak to him and ascertain where exactly in the recovery process he is. Good luck.

LobsterQuadrille · 26/04/2016 13:34

Oh and I meant to say that going to pubs with friends who are drinking doesn't bother me at all - it's a dark place that I do not want to return to and am happy sitting with my soft drink/cup of tea, so you do not necessarily need to curtail your own drinking - I would hate it if my friends felt that they had to, although it is extremely boring if they are too drunk and I would make my excuses and leave.

ALaughAMinute · 26/04/2016 13:43

My brother was an alcoholic before he died of alcohol related illnesses three years ago so I've seen the horror of alcolism first hand.

Sorry to say but I suspect there is a side to him you haven't seen. If I were you I would get out while you can.

Hissy · 26/04/2016 17:00

You have a son to consider.

End the relationship now. Today.

He's drinking and not actively addressing things.

Did you see the Louis Theroux documentary on bbc2 on Sunday?

Walk away. Keep walking.

I'm sorry, this is shit but you can't involve your son in this.

Hissy · 26/04/2016 17:03

He should have damned well told you at the outset. He's waited until he's hooked you and your son. That's not on.

Keeping this from you is deception.

Addicts are very good at that. They lie to themselves first, lying to you is a walk in the park.

Jan45 · 26/04/2016 17:09

Why do you want to be with a person that is addicted to alcohol, it's so damaging, both mentally and physically so you can't possibly be seeing the real him, esp after 5 months!

I think he's given you a get out of jail card free, take it.

fortheloveofvintage · 26/04/2016 17:09

You haven't confirmed wether he is still drinking or a recovering alcoholic?

Obviously some people do recover and can go the rest of their life's never touching a drop again, but sadly the majority will have relapses again and again. It is a lifelong battle and a miserable one for all involved.

Maybe you could watch the recent Louis Theroux doc on bbc Iplayer about alcoholics? Some people are functioning alcoholics so don't act drunk but they will die young and probably be very ill for a long time prior too.

It may make you reconsider your relationship with him.

Hissy · 26/04/2016 17:27

"he rarely drinks with me"

That's a yes to still drinking.