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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

just found out new partner is an alcoholic

40 replies

lifesabeach · 26/04/2016 11:21

having been single for almost 5 years, i finally met the most caring, thoughtful, considerate, funny and sexy guy!! then 2 weeks ago he openly admitted to me that he is an alcoholic. we dont live together, but time spent together hasnt shown signs of his need for alcohol, change in personality or behaviour. he has met and formed a good bond with my teeenage son, would love youre thoughts and possible experiences from other mums who may be sharing a similar situation. he holds down a responsible job , ive never felt uncomfortable in his company,

OP posts:
Fionajsd · 26/04/2016 18:25

Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

WeeHelena · 26/04/2016 19:44

I have been with an alcoholic before and it wasn't fun, he was nice but other than usual incompatibility the alcoholism played a massive part in his mental and physical health and affected the whole household.

Do you want to sign up for that?

They are achoholics for life so I think it's important to get some perspective on this,
From what you say he seems to function pretty normally even around achohol.
How prone to relapse is he?
What's his mental health like etc.

5 months is still early days and even without the alcoholism you might find you are incompatible.

I personally wouldn't do it no matter how nice he is.

pollyblack · 26/04/2016 20:12

I love my husband dearly, but he has a problem with alcohol and it has been very destructive. If i was to have a new relationship it couldn't be with a drinker. It's always there and there is nothing you can do, it will always come before you and whatever life you have together. So speaking as someone 18 years in, run for the hills.

CiaoVerona · 26/04/2016 20:22

Nowhere in the field of medicine is treatment less grounded in modern science. A 2012 report by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University compared the current state of addiction medicine to general medicine in the early 1900s, when quacks worked alongside graduates of leading medical schools. The American Medical Association estimates that out of nearly 1 million doctors in the United States, only 582 identify themselves as addiction specialists. (The Columbia report notes that there may be additional doctors who have a subspecialty in addiction.) Most treatment providers carry the credential of addiction counselor or substance-abuse counselor, for which many states require little more than a high-school diploma or a GED. Many counselors are in recovery themselves. The report stated: “The vast majority of people in need of addiction treatment do not receive anything that approximates evidence-based care.”

Alcoholics Anonymous was established in 1935, when knowledge of the brain was in its infancy. It offers a single path to recovery: lifelong abstinence from alcohol. The program instructs members to surrender their ego, accept that they are “powerless” over booze, make amends to those they’ve wronged, and pray.

Alcoholics Anonymous is famously difficult to study. By necessity, it keeps no records of who attends meetings; members come and go and are, of course, anonymous. No conclusive data exist on how well it works. In 2006, the Cochrane Collaboration, a health-care research group, reviewed studies going back to the 1960s and found that “no experimental studies unequivocally demonstrated the effectiveness of AA or [12-step] approaches for reducing alcohol dependence or problems.”

The Big Book includes an assertion first made in the second edition, which was published in 1955: that AA has worked for 75 percent of people who have gone to meetings and “really tried.” It says that 50 percent got sober right away, and another 25 percent struggled for a while but eventually recovered. According to AA, these figures are based on members’ experiences.

In his recent book, The Sober Truth: Debunking the Bad Science Behind 12-Step Programs and the Rehab Industry, Lance Dodes, a retired psychiatry professor from Harvard Medical School, looked at Alcoholics Anonymous’s retention rates along with studies on sobriety and rates of active involvement (attending meetings regularly and working the program) among AA members. Based on these data, he put AA’s actual success rate somewhere between 5 and 8 percent. That is just a rough estimate, but it’s the most precise one I’ve been able to find.

I spent three years researching a book about women and alcohol, Her Best-Kept Secret: Why Women Drink—And How They Can Regain Control, which was published in 2013. During that time, I encountered disbelief from doctors and psychiatrists every time I mentioned that the Alcoholics Anonymous success rate appears to hover in the single digits. We’ve grown so accustomed to testimonials from those who say AA saved their life that we take the program’s efficacy as an article of faith. Rarely do we hear from those for whom 12-step treatment doesn’t work. But think about it: How many celebrities can you name who bounced in and out of rehab without ever getting better? Why do we assume they failed the program, rather than that the program failed them?

rumred · 26/04/2016 20:34

Agree verona, well said. Simplifying addiction is so unhelpful. Usually it's a multi faceted issue.

Gabilan · 26/04/2016 20:46

My father's an alcoholic. I wouldn't date anyone who has a troubled relationship with alcohol. I've seen what it does.

SurroMummy13 · 26/04/2016 21:00

Honestly I'd split. Unless he ditches the drink now.

Seen this sort of thing end in heart ache too many times.

Most recently my FIL dying because he couldn't give up the drink.

lifesabeach · 30/05/2016 17:26

well, i have to sy thankyou for your comments and advice; i have ended the relationship,which was hard for both of us. he is still in contact with me(phoning and texting) but i am trying to be strong not to meet up with him. its the hardest thing ive ever had to do

OP posts:
FreeFromHarm · 30/05/2016 17:52

Has he any children or an ex partner you can approach for some advice ? if he does not see his children or have access I would stay well away . I escaped from a violent abusive marriage two years ago due to drink online addiction, I am afraid to say treatment or not they can be very convincing and accomplished liars . I am not trying to scare you, but I have lost everything, my home ... everything, nip it in the bud . I lost my brother to alcohol, I would not wish the life we have left behind on anyone .

FreeFromHarm · 30/05/2016 17:56

Be, strong, sounds like my ex husband, you will find someone , do not reply, just block him, so proud of you. its the best for the both of you.

Hissy · 30/05/2016 17:59

Give him a day or so and then go to block.

It's over - best decision you could make - but now he's trying to convince you to change your mind

Unacceptable

The only way you should listen to him is when he's been sober for a bloody long time.

lifesabeach · 30/05/2016 18:04

thanks guys, i know what i have done is best for me , but still have feelings for the guy-dont wish anything negative towards anyone, just hope hes going to be ok

OP posts:
Oddsocksgalore · 30/05/2016 18:08

Gosh, I wonder how many posters on here take their own advice.

It's easier said than done to walk away op.

concertplayer · 30/05/2016 18:44

I have a 40 year old friend who lost her marriage and child (brought up
by his father) due to her drinking.
She also lost her career .
Her son cannot forgive her for putting the bottle before him and
although they re in touch she hardly sees him.
It is so sad to see her plight

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