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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

need to pretend for 6 wks - how the f*** do I do that

27 replies

myheadsamess · 21/04/2016 20:26

So, after a difficult few years and lots of angst & financial struggles we have decided to separate. My dd1 has exams starting in 2 wks and so we have decided to wait to tell the kids until after her exams finish.

We are amicable atm but I am finding it really hard to even be in the same room as him, never mind keep up the pretence of a married couple. I really don't want to disrupt my dd's exams but I am literally counting the days. Not that I want to shatter their world but you know. Also - how do we tell them? They are 16,14,12. Do we tell them then H leaves straight away?

Maybe I'm not feeling so amicable after all

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 21/04/2016 20:30

Yikes, only suggestion I would have is to just keep yourself busy and as involved with the kids as you can (obviously teens are harder to busy yourself with in a way, as they often want to be left alone!) Any DIY projects you can undertake in the evening to keep yourself occupied and avoid alone time with him? Grin Good luck OP, sounds really tricky.

Original poster
myheadsamess · 21/04/2016 20:45

Thanks Sugar - am almost at the point of going for some exercise to escape which means it must be bad Blush

OP posts:
mrsmeerkat · 21/04/2016 20:48

I think it is lovely that you are putting your child's needs first.

I guess that has to be at the forefront of your mind and grit your teeth Flowers

HuskyLover1 · 21/04/2016 20:53

Uugh, I have been there! I had to spend 4 months doing this. We sat in different rooms at night, under the pretence of wanting to watch different TV programmes. Could you do that maybe? 6 weeks will pass in a flash.

On the upside, you will come thru this and be fine. I am now remarried to the nicest guy ever, thank goodness I left that asshole exh after 20 yrs.

You have good times coming to you Flowers In 6 weeks your new life starts.

tinymeteor · 21/04/2016 20:55

Sorry you are going through this. Thanks

You are absolutely right to wait until after exams. She only gets one shot at those. Pick a tv series you've been meaning to watch and spend your evenings working your way through it, whatever it takes the pass the time without a flashpoint.

Fwiw, my parents made the announcement and dad moved out the same night. It's a nasty shock but perhaps better than the kids having to live with the same awful atmosphere you're living with now. The exam period gives him time to sort the practicalities. No easy answers with this stuff though.

Spandexpants007 · 21/04/2016 20:58

Just keep yourself busy with the kids, friends, relatives and projects and walks

Original poster
myheadsamess · 21/04/2016 21:04

Thank you - I suppose I don't feel we ARE putting their needs first though. . .if we were we'd stay together. Theres no disharmony anymore (he's suffered from depression for what seems like forever but has recently started ad's) & I still love him - we just don't think we're in love anymore.

I haven't told anyone else in rl either hence my venting here, sorry Blush

OP posts:
springydaffs · 21/04/2016 21:25

Sounds like you need a break - a serious break - not to split.

Marilynsbigsister · 21/04/2016 21:26

I do understand OP, but this is a one shot opportunity for your DC. Don't ever think you are doing the wrong thing. You aren't ! Do what you gave to do. Put on a smile and make it work. 6 weeks will pass in no time, and you will be thrilled you did.

Original poster
myheadsamess · 21/04/2016 22:18

You see I think it's a break we need as well but I'm not sure if I'm being stupidly optimistic (have a habit of that). He doesn't think we can get back what we had. . . I'm actually quite tired of trying to hold it all together so . . . Oh it's just a mess.

OP posts:
inastew · 21/04/2016 22:26

Try a trial separation maybe?

Soon the 2 younger kids will have exams too, so often never is a great time to split.

Get him to set a few goals like play a sport and meet up with a friend at least monthly, which gives you some peace and improves his well being and maybe life depression.

I have zero qualifications on this, but from limited info you posted I don't think permanent split is correct step.

tipsytrifle · 22/04/2016 00:00

It's a guilt-induced myth that dc needs are met by both parents being together no matter how miserable or unfulfilled they are with each other. Children are adaptable, they live happily in many different cultures with many different mores. There is no "one way" to parent happy children.

If the two of you need to let go of this misery - and each other - then I would suggest aiming for individual happiness is a better path to tread, a better example to set for children who might otherwise think watching parents suffer is acceptable.

Bee182814 · 22/04/2016 16:14

This must be incredibly hard to go through I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I would just like to say from personal experience: my parents split up a few years ago, I was 24 and not living at home but my brothers and my sister were (sister was only 14 at the time) my mum made the announcement to then and walked out within 5 minutes leaving my sister in floods of tears to process that by herself (dad and brothers tried to comfort her but not much use to a 24 year old girl) I don't think my sister has ever quite forgiven my mum for leaving her in that state. Maybe have a last dinner together to show them that you can be amicable? And let them spend one last evening? Sorry if this is not helpful I think I'm probably looking at it from the pov of a hurt child.

I think you're very strong and doing right thing to wait until end of exams and wish you luck xx

ivykaty44 · 22/04/2016 16:19

I would start planning

Sort out things like finances

Exercise
New habits
Are you staying in the marital home? Will you redecorate?

Have a spring clean,kitchen cupboards
Airing cupboards etc, attic

popperdoodles · 22/04/2016 16:34

My parents split literally days before my gcses. My exams gave me something else to think about and it wasn't until that was over that it hit me. It was absolutely the right thing to do ( parents splitting). It wasn't until they were apart that I could see how unhappy they had been. Yes I was angry and upset at first but 6 months later things were great.
I do think that it happening at a period of Change in my own life, having to move etc did have an impact on my choices and behaviour at the time but things would have been far worse.

popperdoodles · 22/04/2016 16:36

Had they not split

kaitlinktm · 22/04/2016 17:22

I agreed with my ex to stay together for a whole YEAR because it was our DC's GCSE and A level year. It was SO hard - we were supposed to "carry on as normal" (his words) but apparently that meant him meeting someone new on line and spending 2 holidays abroad with her (she lived abroad). Had it not been for that, I might have made a better job of it.

I was unsure if it was the right thing at the time, but my youngest did well at GCSE and badly at A level so maybe it was.

Hope your 6 weeks goes quickly myhead Smile

Minime85 · 22/04/2016 18:29

It sounds like you have given it a really good try and your phrase you are tired of trying hold the mess together speaks volumes. Don't beat yourself up if the right decision is to decide to separate.

You will need to distract yourself as the exam season kicks in. I do think if you can then you should wait and do it after the exams and if you can after prom if there is one.

When it comes to telling them mine were younger but we told them once he had secured accommodation, and we told them the week before and had something fun to do after to distract. We all went to see his new house. We told them together.

Make sure the school knows when you've done it.

I speak as divorced mum and a secondary school teacher.

Original poster
myheadsamess · 22/04/2016 19:19

Oh I'm really sorry for everyone who has gone through this - either as a child or the parent.

I'm having a slightly better day today & keep things of all the things I could to/go to/decide about all by myself. All the things he wouldn't be interested. But then I think - I don't know what he's interested in, it's been too long with too little. I think I'm scared to find out. We've been together since we were 17 ffs.

Re moving - We would both move (in unsuitable accomodation right now) him on his own & me with the kids although they'd be free to stay whichever of they would like. My hrs are more family friendly though and I'm the default parent up to now. We'd all stay in the same area for work & school.

If you'd asked me last year I would have welcomed a split with open arms. But then he saw the GP 2mths ago and is becoming the man I knew was in there all along. Gah I don't flipping know anything really. Other than I need to stop eating my own bodyweight in chocolateChocolate

OP posts:
lousylear · 22/04/2016 20:37

Yes, use your time to have a clear out. I've taken tons of stuff to the charity shops. Be ruthless, you'll prob move to a smaller house. Take up running. Destresses you, keeps you fit, gets you out the house and gives you confidence.

springydaffs · 22/04/2016 21:27

I have the chocolate problem too Sad Sad

Imo there's nothing for it but cold turkey. I know that'll have you running screaming but the lovely stuff clogs up your brain - maybe not literally but the fog of industrial quantities of it you and I both know we can eat truckloads on the quiet

Sorry for lecture tho. Same boat and all that Flowers

Original poster
myheadsamess · 22/04/2016 21:40

Oh springydaffs ChocolateChocolateChocolateChocolateChocolate it's a comfort Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
myheadsamess · 24/04/2016 18:34

Ok so it's definitely over. He isn't in love with me anymore & hasn't been for a while.

Practicalities - does anyone know what happens to debt? We don't own a house and have no assets ( other than our kids!). There is cc debt in his name (but it's OURS) and I have some in my name (also ours). We were really shit with money for years combined with life events & only recently got it together and have become sensible & responsible.
It would help me keep it together if I knew what to expect financially etc

OP posts:
lousylear · 24/04/2016 18:45

Debts 50/50 more than likely. You can have a free half hour consultation with solicitor. Mine was brilliant. Is their any equity in the house? Could you get it valued? You will get at least 50% of equity from house, maybe more. Depends who has kids.

Minime85 · 24/04/2016 18:56

Sorry Op, at least that gives you a clear road ahead. Debt should be shared. We did ours ourselves amicably and took 50/50. In terms of house again we decided ourselves what we wanted and did consent order. I got house and all equity. He got a small sum mostly to keep judge from questioning our decision. We then kept our own pensions. His substantially more than mine as I was part time for 7 years, hence why I got house and kids live with me 70/30 really. Judge accepted it. I agree go see a solicitor as I did and that is what helped inform our decisions re finances.

No need to rush into any of that though it will come in time. See solicitor ASAP.

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