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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What to do when your head says one thing and your heart the opposite

27 replies

tiredtoday · 19/04/2016 11:50

I have recently split from my dh (last week)... Over the last two days we have spent allot of time talking and figuring out what went wrong, and we think we have figured it out... And we probably both need councilling.

In the meantime what do I do regarding giving it another go with help. My head is saying one thing, my heart the other... Any suggestions as how to resolve this?

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 19/04/2016 11:54

Head should win imo.

FredaMayor · 19/04/2016 11:57

You need both to make an informed choice IME.
Under what circumstances are you thinking of trying again? There are some things that happen in a relationship that may not be possible to change/reconcile/forgive. Do you feel able to tell us more about what has happened in your marriage?

Heirhelp · 19/04/2016 11:57

I think it all depends on the reasons why you split and if you think your problems are solvable.

Original poster

tiredtoday · 19/04/2016 12:03

We split as over the years when I have had issues with our relationship and raised then with him... He says he will try change.. But after a day or two would just go back to how he was, and I would just bottle things up till the next time. This has been every couple of months for about 12 years. I told him many times that one day I would crack and leave but he didn't believe me... Until it happened. Note he is listening and now her wants to change... But I have so much bottled up inside and my heart just feels broken

OP posts:

Original poster

tiredtoday · 19/04/2016 12:06

Obviously there are other reasons for leaving as well.. Him being controlling and bullying being the main ones... But I feel like he can and would change that... I just feel broken

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 19/04/2016 12:12

But I feel like he can and would change that
He hasn't done in 12 years and he won't now.
Please please do not go back.
You've done the hard bit.
He will of course change. And probably for a month or 2 this time.
But.... he will ALWAYS revert back to type.

What sort of counselling is he suggesting HE needs?

Honestly, looking form the outside in, this is a total no brainer.
Be free of this abusive cock once and for all.

And for goodness sake, get onto Womens Aid and sign up to do their Freedom Programme ASAP.
And do this before you even think about taking this abusive asshole back again.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/04/2016 12:12

Sorry.

Sounded a bit harsh.
I'm doing the 'Cruel to be kind' thing!

FredaMayor · 19/04/2016 12:13

Only if H will fully engage with the reconciliation process will you achieve anything, OP. Taking into account that this has been going on for 12 years I think it will be a very tall order. Fundamentally H seems to want to please himself, control and bully you. Of course you feel broken, that is his aim whether he will admit it or not.

If you go down the counselling road my advice to you would be to have one-to-one sessions yourself with the counsellor before you include H in the process, because of your state of mind. It will give you the clarity you need at this point.

Heirhelp · 19/04/2016 12:14

I dont think he will change. He has plenty of opportunity to do so but I instead the one person who you should be able to rely on has chosen to control and bully you. You need to listen to your head as your heart is the one of somebody who is has treated so badly it does not know how to make the best decision for you.

Costacoffeeplease · 19/04/2016 12:14

No he won't change - controlling and bullying is how he is, and what he would soon go back to - don't go back

Marchate · 19/04/2016 12:22

He won't change. He could have chosen never to be controlling and bullying from the day he met you. He didn't

Jan45 · 19/04/2016 12:23

So he made your life a misery and now you are wondering if you should go back and it will all be nice and great - you know it won't, he's a bully, that won't change, the relationship broke down for a very good reason, remember that.

ALaughAMinute · 19/04/2016 12:23

Obviously there are other reasons for leaving as well.. Him being controlling and bullying being the main ones...

If he's controlling and bullying then I would follow your head. No doubt about it!

He won't change.

Original poster

tiredtoday · 19/04/2016 12:28

But my heart is the one that wants to go... My head says stay.

He says he never realised he was being controlling/bullying..It's only after I made him speak to family members about his actions that he now sees it

OP posts:

Original poster

tiredtoday · 19/04/2016 12:31

He never believed I would actually go... So as far as he was concerned once our arguments were over everything was all good again.

He isn't a mean person just set in his ways... And would manipulate me around to his ways... And I let him. Just small thing like if I wanted to go out and he didn't want me to... He would make me feel guilty if I went etc

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 19/04/2016 12:33

Whatever advice anyone offers, only you will know. I don't think it's about head/heart. Go with your gut instinct. In hindsight 95% time, it's right

Marchate · 19/04/2016 12:34

That's not a small thing. Going out is not something you have to get permission for

Costacoffeeplease · 19/04/2016 12:36

It just gets worse, manipulative too - don't go back

Jan45 · 19/04/2016 12:37

You can try as much as you like to rationalise it but it sounds awful, not a normal healthy relationship at all, and in 12 years he never realised, even though for 12 years I am sure you told him!

Sorry but it's a lost cause, men like him never change, it would soon revert back to how it was.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/04/2016 12:43

Oh no.
So he's manipulative and also trying to isolate you!
None of this OK.
He won't change. He really won't.
And never ever ever agree to joint counselling with an abuser.
It's not recommended and any therapist worth their salt will not counsel you together anyway.

Queenoftheblues · 19/04/2016 12:44

You've only been split one week. I dont believe in such a short space of time, he has had some revelation about his behaviour. He is an emotional abuser who will say anything to get you back under control. Demand he gets therapy before you even consider the future. You need to be alone for a while so you can get over missing him. But he
wont be allowing this. You must use your head now. Check out Womens Aid abuser profiles.

Kr1stina · 19/04/2016 13:20

Please listen to hells bells

Years of manipulation and buying have affected you so much that you have lost a sense of yourself . That feeling that you think means you should reconcile - it's fear, obligation and guilt . FOG .

It's promoting you to do what HE wants, not to be what's best for you.

Stay away from him, you are close to freedom .

Let him spend a year or so going to counselling and therapy for his problems. Then you can see how much he's changed .

Do the freedom programme and see how you feel after that . Get your own place, live your own life , make your own choices and mistakes . Don't date him. Don't have sex with him .

You need your own space and a bit of distance from him to see if he's the right man for you and if you want to live the rest of your life the way you have done for the last 12 years .

Gobbledygooked · 19/04/2016 13:22

Gathering from what you say, I would be inclined to agree with OP. However if you are struggling with doubts, give yourself time to make more rational judgements, this way you will be confident in making the right judgement without regrets. Is it possible to have low limited contact over the course of a couple of months. You could seek out counselling, come to terms with your history and make an informed choice when your head is a clearer space. Maybe time to think will provide you with the clarification you need. Good luck.

Original poster

tiredtoday · 20/04/2016 00:17

At the time of my posts I was at his discussing what I was gonna do. I left... With agreeing that I would move out and we would go back to square one and date.... While I live elsewhere. But I feel so bloody miserable!

OP posts:

Original poster

tiredtoday · 20/04/2016 00:20

I just can't stop crying

OP posts:

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