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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I come to terms with dh not wanting another child?

26 replies

Pteranodon · 11/04/2016 16:44

When I do?

We have 2, we are nearly 40. I can't force him, don't want to guilt trip him, would never trick him. There is no compromise. How do I come to terms with it?

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 11/04/2016 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OurBlanche · 11/04/2016 16:52

Well, you are going to have to, somehow:

You could let it rule your life, make you miserable, be haunted by the child that never was, make your 2 existing kids feel as thought they aren't enough, are less important than the one that never was!

You could up stick and leave, look for a younger man, dally with him a while, get pregnant and have that 3rd child....

You could allow yourself time to grieve, to wallow in the sadness then grab hold of reality and, having acknowledged that your current feelings are normal, should be transient, get on with living your kids/DH/current life.

I hope you can do the 3rd option, soon xx.

Ottosaurus · 11/04/2016 16:53

I'm in the same position. I don't know what it means. I am hoping that it passes for me in the next year. I'm the one that changed my position from when we first met, he's always been consistent but I didn't know what being a mum would mean to me.

My 2nd DC was very poorly for the first 6mths and I don't want that to be my last experience. I don't want to regret not having another for the rest of my life.

I wish I could help but you are not alone

Roseberrry · 11/04/2016 16:59

It's hard, I'd have 30 of them if I could. You just have to think positively about the children you do have, you are so lucky to have 2 lovely children. A lot of people would wish for that.
If you had another child you'd have to pay more out in childcare, clothes, toys, days out become more expensive as you no longer fit the family ticket criteria. You may even need a bigger car.

what is it you want from having another baby? For me I love the baby stage, I would do anything for that little bundle of love. But they soon grow up and there has to be a last one at some point.

Original poster

Pteranodon · 11/04/2016 17:06

I want a 3rd child, not just a 3rd baby. (We are both one of three.) we had a pregnancy 'scare' very soon after dc2 was born and he was great about it (he wouldn't want abortion). It was just hormonal disruption but turned out he felt done then. We hadn't discussed it before beyond him persuading me to have dc2 (I'm so glad he did).

OP posts:

Original poster

Pteranodon · 11/04/2016 17:07

Thank you all for your replies

OP posts:

EasyToEatTiger · 11/04/2016 17:54

I would have liked 3, but had to make do with 2. When other people were having more children I was being treated for breast cancer. It's awful when broodiness takes over. I'm now 50 and the feeling has long passed and I am very very pleased to have 2, so far healthy fantastic children. There was a sense of grief, but these days I like having some semblence of a life of my own.

BarbarianMum · 11/04/2016 19:04

I'm 5 years down your road. I've found it's got easier with time, esp now I'm getting beyond the age where natural conception is likely to occur. I think it will always be something I regret but it doesn't consume my thoughts so much any more, just a little sadness sometimes.

monkeyfacegrace · 11/04/2016 19:07

I'm there too. I have 3, but am desperate for just one more.

We haven't got the space or the money. I've got the time, but nothing else.

It's hard. Very hard. Especially as I'm still in my 20s so potentially have another 15 years of feeling like this

Tanaqui · 11/04/2016 19:11

It does get easier (also have 2)- also might sound mad but getting a dog really helped.

SoThatHappened · 11/04/2016 19:19

I may never be a mother ever.

Want to swap?

Flufflepuff · 11/04/2016 19:22

I don't know if this will help you, and I'm sorry if it's an insensitive or sheer patronising viewpoint somehow ... but I'm mid 30s, had multiple MCs and it's looking less and less likely we'll ever have one, let alone two.

I totally understand the biological urge, but God - you have two children already, and (presumably?) a strong relationship with someone you love. That's amazing ... Please don't lose sight of what you've already got.

If you're feeling that this is the end of the relationship, maybe look at counselling to try and find out why this is so important or couples counselling so you can talk this out properly?

On a practical note maybe it's also a bit like dealing with grief? Mindfulness, meditation, talking, and letting yourself mourn a bit can all be good.

monkeyfacegrace · 11/04/2016 19:26

fluff sothat

You are in far a worse position. I won't ever ever dispute that.

But feelings aren't rational. Its like somebodys best friend dying, then saying 'well it could have been worse, it could have been your sister'.

Grief and emotions can't really be measured.

I do hope both of you eventually get what you want

Flufflepuff · 11/04/2016 19:34

Yes, sorry monkey - I really didn't want to be insensitive, and you're right of course, it's not rational.

I just wanted to emphasise that part of "getting over" anything if you can't do something about it is "counting your blessings" - I'm trying to practice that myself by holding on to the things which are good in my life (including DH).

I do think that any form of infertility (and perhaps that includes being unable to try as much as unable to conceive healthily) can bring on a genuine sense of loss and bereavement. Working through it is the hardest thing I've had to do so far and I'm sorry for everyone else like the OP too.

I just hope that those with kids appreciate they have have one more thing to cling on to - and of course that they don't make those kids feel like they're somehow not enough (although that probably goes without saying).

Anyway, will try and shut up now!

Suzietwo · 11/04/2016 19:43

I think people often long for the newness of a first baby which is never replicated in second (or third) pregnancies. Something gets in the way of that perfection be it other children illness or work. So the longing for another, to 'do it right this time' is pointless as anything could happen.

whimsical1975 · 11/04/2016 20:05

Can't offer any advice but I'm in exactly the same position. Have 2 truly beautiful children and it's because they are such a huge blessing that for years I've longed for one more... my DH won't even discuss it. He's a great man, I love him desperately, we have a wonderful marriage and so I'm sure to him I've "let it go" but I haven't... the longing is still as great as it ever was. I am 40 (DC's are 8 and 10) and realistically know that it's probably not the best time to start again... but how I wish he would wake up one morning and decide it was worth one more adventure.

I don't want to live with regret either but for me it wasn't much of a choice - I would never leave my 3 favourite people in the whole world for anything... not even for a deep longing... and the suggestion to get a dog isn't so ridiculous... I starting fostering abandoned puppies and that distracted me for a bit!!!! :)

crazyhead · 11/04/2016 20:25

Am sort of going through this myself, also pushing 40. I have two wonderful sons and a pinch of it is the idea of never having a daughter to be honest. And those years being over.

I think that Flufflepuff and SoThatHappened are right though. Actually focusing on the fact that what we have now is a wonderful, enviable gift - is helpful.

Original poster

Pteranodon · 11/04/2016 20:26

Flufflepuff and SoThat, I'm really sorry. I hope miracles happen for you both.

I do appreciate my luck in having the two amazing children I have. I would never equate my situation with that of someone unwillingly childless.

I posted in Relationships because this is a relationship problem. I am trying really hard not to resent him for it, not to think 'If he loved me as much as I love him he'd be willing' etc. I won't consider leaving him over it though. He hasn't done anything wrong.

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Suzietwo · 11/04/2016 20:31

Also don't you think everyone has something to overcome in the process of raising a family? A longed for pregnancy, recurrent miscarriages, a separation, a different gender, a birth that wasn't perfect, an illness or worse.

I'm not belittling this particular yearning but if nobody gets exactly what they want from this whole process isn't worrying about it a bit of a waste of energy?

0hCrepe · 11/04/2016 20:44

I'm 40 with 2 older dc and always wanted a big family.
For me, I basically asked dh why not and talked him round. I had my coil removed but after the first month he said he didn't want to after all and I'd talked him into it. I was devastated after he'd originally agreed to it. I said he could take care of contraception in that case as I didn't want to have another coil fitted.

He pulled out for a bit and then didn't bother. I did say once a kind of you do realise what may happen and did say this could be a dangerous time but he still did it. Other than that didn't mention conceiving or dates at all. Fell pregnant a couple of months later and am now 17 weeks. I was a bit anxious about telling him but He was really, really happy! In fact he's said he'd have another after! Also when I was exhausted at first he was so fantastic doing everything and being really caring. Just hope it all goes well when it's actually here!

Original poster

Pteranodon · 11/04/2016 20:46

Sure, I've had several of those issues myself. I'm not wanting to waste energy. I wish I could get over it, often I think I am doing really well and then suddenly I'm not. Harder when I'm premenstrual.

I definitely find mindfulness, gratitude and focussing on the many blessings I have, very helpful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pteranodon · 11/04/2016 20:47

Congratulations OhCrepe, I hope it all goes brilliantly.

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MarthaMonkeynuts · 11/04/2016 20:49

My DH has not coped with the arrival and difficult first year or so of our two. He became horribly depressed both times. I had hyperemesis both times and it was awful. I swore second time I would never do it again.
My children are 5 and 9 now. I have a longing for a third child. DH is 90% sure he doesn't want anymore. Is willing to get the snip if I want him to, but I can't get past this longing.
I have embarked on a career progression programme and am studying for exams in 3 years time.
My head says it is not the right time now, and will probably be too late in 3 years (we will be 42 and 45).
I have no answers but I empathise. I wish I felt our family was complete but I don't. However, if he was willing to have another child I don't know if my heart or head would win the vote!
I take the advice on here, it sounds good. Especially this,
3. You could allow yourself time to grieve, to wallow in the sadness then grab hold of reality and, having acknowledged that your current feelings are normal, should be transient, get on with living your kids/DH/current life.

janethegirl2 · 11/04/2016 20:56

I wanted 4, but had 2 partly because I felt too old to have more than 2 and partly because child 2 was a complete nightmare. I still feel bad now that I didn't have 2 more.

janethegirl2 · 11/04/2016 20:57

Was too old to have the other two though.

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