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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wedding in 2 days - urgent advice please!

51 replies

birdy1980 · 11/04/2016 10:04

So this morning we woke up & my fiance had wet the bed. We get married on Wed. This has never happened in the time I have been with him but apparently it happens once every 4yrs or so, for no apparent reason. My biggest problem with him is I sometimes want him to be more of a 'man' than he is (he is a sensitive kind soul) and this has thrown me into panic about whether he is 'strong' enough for me. Is this a sign for me to leg it?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 11/04/2016 10:10

No. But i think he should leave you if that's the way you think.

Buzzardbird · 11/04/2016 10:12

Yes, you should do him a favour and let him find someone more sympathetic.

Original poster
birdy1980 · 11/04/2016 10:23

That's fair. Thanks for the reply (genuinely - think I needed someone to say I was being ridiculous)

OP posts:
fruityb · 11/04/2016 10:25

What they said. Sounds like he gave you the get out clause you wanted.

Original poster
birdy1980 · 11/04/2016 10:29

I guess it's a 'test' 2 days before the wedding, but it's not his fault and the problem lies with me and my expectation that he be this macho alpha male charachter. When really I know he isn't like that and that's not what I am marrying, and I must be sympathetic

OP posts:
Smellyrose · 11/04/2016 10:35

Why are you marrying him isn't the alpha male type that you like?

usual · 11/04/2016 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 11/04/2016 10:36

I feel sorry for him.

LuckySantangelo1 · 11/04/2016 10:39

Good lord are you being serious? Poor bloke!

Mishaps · 11/04/2016 10:40

You are marrying the man he is - do not fall into the trap of thinking you can change him after you are married. Many a woman has learned to everyone's cost that this does not happen. He is who he is - and he sounds just the sort of chap that many a woman locked in an abusive relationship would give their right arm for.

Either treasure him for who he is or go now!

HandyWoman · 11/04/2016 10:40

I think you already know he is not the man you should marry.

Hence your mind is all over the place and thinking ridiculous things like is bladder function as a predictor of 'macho personality'

On the basis of your OP I think you should call off the wedding, unless this level of anxiety and bonkers thinking is normal for you. In which case, your fiancé is a saint.

Original poster
birdy1980 · 11/04/2016 10:41

Oh I know - I feel bad even starting this thread. He is lovely - so kind and supportive and funny. My mother always said you can't have everything in a man so I chose to forgo the alpha male for the loving sensitive type, which is more important, i know. I think I am answering my own question here, but I appreciate everyone's honesty. It has really helped

OP posts:
Mishaps · 11/04/2016 10:42

I am slightly disturbed that you feel you have to be "sympathetic" about who he is as if there is something to be sorry for him about. I am seriously worried about this poor chap taking on someone who is so half-hearted about him. I would guess he deserves better.

Original poster
birdy1980 · 11/04/2016 10:43

PS Yes this level of anxiety is pretty normal for me - I am pretty bonkers - and he is a saint, you are right HandyWoman

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/04/2016 10:45

Why don't you tell your fiancé that you have serious doubts, and why, so that if he still wants to go ahead and marry you, it is in the full knowledge that he is marrying someone who is only "settling" and basically feels a bit sorry for him? It's not fair to hide that information from him.

ICanCountToOneHundred · 11/04/2016 10:46

Why are you marrying him isn't the alpha male type that you like?

This. Also the poor man is probably mortified, if you are having doubts I would call it off for his sake though not yours. Give him a chance to meet someone whose type is a sensitive kind soul.

Peasandsweetcorn · 11/04/2016 10:46

Have you asked him what has happened in the past to cause him to wet the bed? Is it stress? If so, is it just normal pre-wedding stress that he's going through or is it more than that, is he having second thoughts too?
I would hate someone to marry me feeling sorry for me & sympathetic to what they perceive as failings in me when they are a key part of my character.

ravenmum · 11/04/2016 10:50

What if he decides to have children with you, without knowing that you look down on him? Then after a few years it all inevitably falls apart - and you knew that was a possibility all along. Really, give him a chance to be with someone else who's kind and sensitive.

Sparklycat · 11/04/2016 10:59

This makes me sad for your fiancé Sad he deserves someone who loves him for what he is.

thedancingbear · 11/04/2016 11:02

So you're thinking of calling off the wedding two days beforehand because your fiance has a minor medical problem.

righty ho.

AhHaaaaa · 11/04/2016 11:30

Fuck me. Yes I think you should call off the wedding.... For the sake of your DH to be.
Is take sensitive over macho any day of the week. Why would I want someone domineering who wants someone to look good on his arm and trade up when I get old.

Also to save your future DH the pain, as I'm guessing if he was diagnosed with something like MS in the future, or had a stroke, you would see him as a burden and annoyance and would want to get rid of him/belittle him and not take into account his feelings but it would be all about how it was affecting you.

But hey, hope it's only your nerves talking.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/04/2016 11:35

Is there something you are not saying, OP? For instance, are the comments you made a coded reference to the fact that your partner has an alcohol problem?

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 11/04/2016 11:43

My first concern would be "oh my god is he ill" "did he lose consciousness" "I hope he isn't mortified".

You instead, see it as proof he isn't the macho man you clearly have your heart set on. You should be ashamed to let it get this close to the wedding and have these kind of doubts.

Binders1 · 11/04/2016 11:46

So you have decided to 'settle/make do' for someone who you don't think is 'man' enough for you! I wonder if your fiance saw this thread, what he would think and whether he would want to marry you?

I wonder if you are looking for an excuse to not really want to get married because this is really crappy. If you are serious, I feel sorry for your fiancé. I agree with pp, if you can't cope with a minor bladder problem every 4/5 years, I would also worry about the future e.g. illnesses etc as it sounds like you would be off at the first sign of trouble. What on earth is he letting himself in for!

Snoopydo · 11/04/2016 11:51

What?! He wet the bed as a 'test?'