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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to LTB, but he won't communicate with me

38 replies

absolutelynotfabulous · 10/04/2016 09:08

Bit of a backstory: I caught DP cheating a while back. I'm fairly sure he's still doing it. However every time I try to instigate a conversation about how we are going to end things he refuses to engage with me. He looks away, he shrugs his shoulders, he changes the subject; anything to deflect the conversation to something else.

Yet he has admitted that he wants to end things, is detached and indifferent to me.

There is do much to be discussed. I'm already devastated enough; he has not apologised or tried to explain his cheating. How can I move forward? Why is he behaving like this?

OP posts:
lasttimeround · 10/04/2016 09:14

So then say your piece and leave.

fusspot66 · 10/04/2016 09:17

I have a hunch he has nowhere to jump to ready just yet. Give the arse a shock, strap on some ladyballs and kick him out for disrespecting you. Flowers

Original poster
absolutelynotfabulous · 10/04/2016 09:28

Aw thanks both.

Meant not to dripfeed, but....

We've been together for 30 odd years. I'm 56, he's 55. We have a dd, 14.

The house is his, not mine. We are not married (and yes, I have taken legal advice).

I can not simply kick him out if his own house! Believe me, I would've done it, no question!

I have spent thousands on this house. I have given up my career to be a sahm. All in good faith. I do not want dd's life turned upside down; she deserves better imho.

All I want is a conversation. An explanation, perhaps, and an apology. Is that too much to ask for after 30 years?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 10/04/2016 10:32

I'm afraid it is, if he doesn't want to have t he conversaion. You cannot force another person to talk or react in the way you would like them to.
You don't need his permission or co-operation to leave him, though: just make your plans and leave.

Original poster
absolutelynotfabulous · 10/04/2016 11:12

I don't want or need his permission, solid, I appreciate that. But dd deserves to know why her beloved ddad, who apparently dotes on her so much, is prepared to turn her life upside down, just because he won't look her mother in the eye?

No. I deserve better, and dd most certainly does.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 10/04/2016 11:18

Hi op

As hard as this seems to type he doesn't owe your dd anything other than continue being he dad, he didn't cheat on her he cheated on you Thanks

Your dd can ask him if she wants to know why, and I advise you strongly to point her in his direction if she asks. Other wise make your plans and stop engaging with him yes it's shit yes it hurts, but he's not going to roll over and give you what you need

Make your plans bite the bullet and leave, you don't have a choice but you do have control

lasttimeround · 10/04/2016 11:32

You can't make someone engage with you if they don't want to. So you provide ultimatum say what's going to happen and then you do it. You can deal with the assets later. Right now you are giving him power over you for no reason. If he can't or won't explain then that's not going to happen.
If your child needs an explanation tell her to ask her father because you don't know cos he hasn't told you

Squeegle · 10/04/2016 11:36

I think he does owe DD something, and that is to treat her mother with respect. If he will not do that then it is perfectly reasonable for OP to explain to that he is not being courteous and considerate and them at is why she is planning to leave.
I don't know what your legal tlrifhts are to any of the property though, but if your DP will not engage, then I think you have to start making your plans in the basis that he is playing hard ball.

Squeegle · 10/04/2016 11:37

Surely you are entitled to something after being sahm for all this time? What is the lawyer's advice?

NCToProtectTheInnocent1 · 10/04/2016 11:49

But Squeegle, that's the message so many people try to ram home on MN - you are NOT entitled to something if you're not married. Hopefully the OP will be able to make a claim for money she's put into the house if it's added value, but if she gave up her job and wasn't married, there is nothing that can be done about that now.

Original poster
absolutelynotfabulous · 10/04/2016 12:32

guilty I'm making plans, but I'm finding it hard to raise my income to a level that's commensurate with living separately. At the moment, I'm comfortable financially. As is dd. We live in a desirable area which is convenient for dd's schooling.

If/when I move, I will find it impossible to provide the same level of convenience and comfort for her. If it were just me, I'd just up sticks and go wherever.

The lawyer's advice was simple: I'm not entitled to anything. I would be happy to consider negotiation; if he would talk to me about it, but, atm, he won't.

He's playing hard ball, yes, but I'm happy to play hard back.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 10/04/2016 12:38

How long ago was 'a while back' roughly?

RedMapleLeaf · 10/04/2016 12:39

You could move out and have DD stay there for now.

Penguinepenguins · 10/04/2016 12:41

if he sells the property you would be entitled to part of the sale if you have been paying money towards the mortgage and upkeep - I think he has to sell it first though, think it is beneficial interest in property or something like that?

You would have to go via mediation for care of your DD and that would be the time to discuss financials too, I'm sure you could at that point agree to give up any future hold of the property and get some of your investment back?

Not sure if that helps and I'm really sorry your going through this Flowers

Penguinepenguins · 10/04/2016 12:42

Also If he's not talking to you maybe you should start straight away with mediation proceedings? You can still live together and do this, he would have to talk to you then.

ApricotSorbet99 · 10/04/2016 12:48

You are not entitled to anything? I simply don't believe that. Get a second opinion from another solicitor.

After 30 years contributing to household costs, with a teenage child together you WILL be entitled to something....at the very, very least child maintenance.

I agree with the others. It takes two to have a conversation...and he currently doesn't want one. So lay it on the line and tell him what your plans are. If he has nothing to say, so be it.

He's not in charge of your life so stop behaving as if he is. Make your decisions for you, and follow them through. Fuck him.

ImperialBlether · 10/04/2016 13:33

RedMapleLeaf - why on earth should she do that?

ImperialBlether · 10/04/2016 13:35

You would have to go via mediation for care of your DD

Why? I don't think this is true, is it?

Rebecca2014 · 10/04/2016 13:35

This is crazy, I cannot believe you didn't do anything in 30 years to protect yourself financially. He gets everything and it isn't right.

ImperialBlether · 10/04/2016 13:51

It drives me nuts, Rebecca, when people say marriage is just a piece of paper.

HappyJanuary · 10/04/2016 13:59

You don't have the same legal protection as a married woman but you can definitely make a claim against the property even if he owns it entirely, and child maintenance too of course.

I agree with everyone who has suggested you make a plan and leave. You won't be as financially comfortable but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't love or respect you?

bloodyteenagers · 10/04/2016 14:00

Op have you run figures through the cma calculator? To see how much financial support he would have to provide for his chid?
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

RandomMess · 10/04/2016 14:04

Have you got your own bedroom in your current home?

TBH I'd start using it as a house-share situation, you look after you and DD and let him get on with looking after himself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2016 14:08

"if he sells the property you would be entitled to part of the sale if you have been paying money towards the mortgage and upkeep"

Not necessarily; this man is only financially responsible for his child and not her mother. Its his property. He is also well within his rights to throw the two of them out as well if it is solely his property.

She put her life in his hands, she gave all her power to him at her own risk. They remain unmarried.

Receipts and statements showing regular payments would have to be produced, proof would have to be shown that money from her own self was put into the property. I think this lady will end up walking away with her DD and her own personal items. In law these people are regarded as two separate individuals not related to each other. What is his is his and what is hers is hers.

All you can do OP is rebuild your life and maintain your dignity by moving on and away from him. You have already given him more than enough power at great cost to you both financially and emotionally.

lasttimeround · 10/04/2016 14:41

You may well have a right to various assets. I was just saying you aren't entitled to get him to engage with you. He's bring an arse but you are hanging yourself up trying to get explanation etc from him.

Leave then tackle the legals