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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Forgive and forget

44 replies

janaus · 09/04/2016 21:55

Could I have people's thoughts on Forgive and Forget (and move forward)

OP posts:

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gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn · 09/04/2016 21:57

After what?

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Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 09/04/2016 22:02

Depends what it is.

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janaus · 09/04/2016 22:06

Sorry, been awake most of the night, mind over active.

Basically, it's 6 months since he admitted another woman. I had suspicions 2 months before, but of course he denied it, because it had ended.

Yes, we decided to move forward. Things are ok.

But I can't forgive or forget. I don't think I ever will. Will live with it under the surface forever.

To forgive. ... I could forgive if he broke my favourite vase. I would be a bit upset but would get over it.

But to break someone's heart. Can't forgive that.

I am happy enough. We are having counselling.

OP posts:

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lamiashiro · 09/04/2016 22:07

Depends. There are things I will never forgive or forget but I have chosen to move on because I don't want to live my life defining it by what other people have chosen to do to me.

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lamiashiro · 09/04/2016 22:08

Sorry x post

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madmother1 · 09/04/2016 22:10

Nope! Happened to me and our marriage was never the same. I can't still feel the awful pain when he told me. I was 3 months pregnant. This was 20 years ago. We limped along for 16 long and sorry years and had another child. I woke up one day and decided I just couldn't do it anymore. Five years later, I'm happy and still single.

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janaus · 09/04/2016 22:12

Thanks, I am . I do want to move on. Be happy together. He thinks I should forgive and forget. But I can't. I also don't want to throw it up, every time there is minor issue or disagreement.

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GeorgeTheThird · 09/04/2016 22:13

I don't think you can forgive someone who isn't truly sorry.

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NotnowNigel · 09/04/2016 22:17

Six months isn't long. It will get easier as time goes on. But I think there is a lot he can do to help you feel that you can trust him and that you are not a mug for staying with him.

Is he really trying to make it easier for you?

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Anyoldname1 · 09/04/2016 22:17

Once the trust is broken it's so hard to move past even if you agree to try things will still bring come up that bring back the memories of the hurt and pain you felt. I hope you get some better advice op

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scallopsrgreat · 09/04/2016 22:45

Forgiving would be all about him and making him feel better.

Forgetting would be more about whether you could get past it.

You don't have to get past it. You don't ever have to forgive him. It really is up to you. But forgiving someone really isn't for your benefit. And he seems to want you to do this for his benefit.

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Pinkheart5915 · 09/04/2016 22:52

I think some things can be forgiven and forgotten, I am pretty relaxed about most things.
however if it was another woman as you mention I wouldn't forgive and forget my marriage would be over, once the man I loved had broken my heart I wouldn't ever trust him again.

It sounds to me like your dp/dh thinks you should just get over it. Which seen as he did wrong not you, is a bit of a cheek.

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mineofuselessinformation · 09/04/2016 23:01

It depends on whether he has explained himself and offered to answer any questions you have openly and honestly.
In my case, he couldn't or wouldn't. We're not married any more.

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minop · 09/04/2016 23:01

Trust is like a mirror, when broken you can piece it back together but you will always see the cracks.

Forgiving is achievable but you can never forget something like this. You have to dig deep and see if you have it in you to live with the cracks.

I have just ended my marriage due to something similar. I didn't want to become the crazy wife that has to know where he is, what he's doing and who with. I know I would have become that person if I'd have stayed and I deserve so much more out of life than that! Xx

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SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 09/04/2016 23:03

Could he easily forgive and forget if it was the other way round?

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janaus · 09/04/2016 23:12

I keep asking, the question .. How would you feel ... He just says I don't know.

I also don't want to become manipulative, to use it against him.
Although I did decide to 'send him off to counselling session happy '. Encouraged him to come back to bed after he had got up, showered and was getting dressed.
Off to counselling with good thoughts of me, (maybe)

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2016 23:20

He's off to counselling? Surely it is you that needs the counselling? This all sounds like he is the victim, not you. That's fucked up.

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GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 09/04/2016 23:20

I forgave but didn't forget. It was an emotional affair with a woman halfway across the world (literally). I actually felt sorry for her and thought he'd treated her appallingly. We're still together and I rarely think about it. He's made amends and we have a beautiful ds together and I know she's moved on. When it comes to it, I can be a realist about the whole thing and dismiss it as a "Walter Mitty" moment for him.

I don't think I'd forgive another time though.

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janaus · 09/04/2016 23:32

Rabbit, we are both having individual counselling. I insisted on it, hoping he would acknowledge his own problems. Then we will do couples counselling.

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Strawberryjam34 · 09/04/2016 23:39

I'm going through a very similar situation at the moment. It is horrendous, I've never felt so much pain in my life. The agony of the last few months has changed me forever.
I'm the type of person who can't just 'park' things in my mind. It would just tear me apart to live a life of constant suspicion and uncertainty. Meaning, sadly, that my 10 year marriage is over. But, I'm not willing to be treated like a 'mug' again - so it's less risk in my opinion, especially to my mental health, to wash my hands of it all.
Although that's just my way of dealing with it all.
In spite of this stance I am absolutely heart broken and wish I could just wake up and all this was just a nightmare.

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HeddaGarbled · 09/04/2016 23:40

That sending him off to counselling with a shag is demeaning to you. Google "hysterical bonding" and "the pick me dance".

You should both read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass.

That answer of "I don't know" is a total cop out lie.

Of course he thinks you should forgive and forget because he wants to pretend that he hasn't thrown a bomb into your marriage and broken your heart. You won't be able to forgive and forget if you agree to brush it under the carpet like this. He needs to understand the damage he has done and make some serious and heartfelt reparation and then maybe, just maybe, in time, you may be able to forgive him, though it is unlikely that you will ever forget or that your relationship will ever be what it was.

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Rainbowlou1 · 10/04/2016 00:00

I'm also going through similar and is 6/7 months for me too...I honestly don't think we can get through it tbh and I told him so yesterday that this will more than likely one day end our relationship.

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babbinocaro · 10/04/2016 06:49

Never forget - how can you unless you are deprogrammed? Being called a f*ing whore by your OH when you object to his cheating, on-line chats and sniffing around other women in real life ie it was my fault. Forgive - not actively, the horrendous pain fades - does he forgive himself? Does his counselling help him address his own poor character or did it just happen? No - three yrs on not forgotten or forgiven. Hope you can find a way of living with your emotional enemy or otherwise start planning a life you deserve.

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TheNaze73 · 10/04/2016 14:39

I could never forgive and I'd soon forget as I'd have to walk away in a relationship where I had been cheated on. There's no excuses. He would have had his reasons but, there is simply no excuse for cheating if you are in a monogamous relationship

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ForgivenNotForgotten · 10/04/2016 20:14

You can probably tell by my user name that I have given some thought to this subject.

My husband was abusive, physically and emotionally. I can forgive him, and let go of the bitterness, but I can't forget altogether. I need to keep my children safe, and that involves being able to look at patterns in my husband's behaviour.

I'd like nothing more than to pretend that none of it had ever happened. But that would be unwise. ..