Forgive and forget

[janaus]

Could I have people's thoughts on Forgive and Forget (and move forward)

It is not YOUR job to forgive - it is his SOLELY to build trust.

This short book (linked as pdf here) written by a relationship counsellor with 30 years experience - outlines the 17 steps HE has to take for there to be any hope of recovery and that this does not take on a life of its own and corrode you from the inside out.....it does work if he embraces it 100%. If he doesnt it is a doomed forgone conclusion.

www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf

Only you know if you can forget it. I knew without a shadow of a doubt I'd bring it up every time he left his mug on top of the dishwasher so we split up.
He works away from home most of the week and I knew it would make me into the jealous watching wife I had never been.

Do you think you will forgive and forget in time?

Thank you crushed, will look at the book.

Sorry for the others in the same situation.

Trust is ok, now, He is doing so much more to help me.

But obviously, he was happy enough to sweep it under the carpet.

I need to know, then when I know, it hurts more.

Forgive? I can't forgive what he did, no excuses, but I agreed to try to move on,
I don't want to forget, but I want to let go of the hurt.
Hard to explain.
thanks again for support

Janaus, that's so demeaning to have sex with him in the hope he'll stay with you.
It's just grim, and you really are worth more than that.

When are you going to see that it is him who should be trying to keep you?

I think what your sensing is someone who will go through the motions but who doesn't get it and it doesn't sound like he particularly cares to get. It's going to be difficult to forgive or forget when the source of your distress is wilfully oblivious to the grenade he threw at you and your relationship. Only time will time will tell if he or the relationship is worth your investment but do not waste your time trying to force an epiphany.

Couple of early paras from the book pdf above (it is a quick short read) might helpful for you DH right now:

He can:

Make a bungled, haphazard effort to save the marriage.
This option is usually chosen by a well-intentioned partner
who is clueless about the depth of the damage caused by his/
her unfaithful behavior. In his or her efforts to calm the hurting
partner, the betrayer often says things like, “You should
be over this by now” or, “I said I was sorry!” or, “What else do
you want me to do? I can’t take it back.” The rely-on-my-own judgment
approach usually magnifies the pain and leads to a
more drawn out blood-letting of the marriage until it dies. I
call this the “Detain and Torture Option.”

Or:

He can make a heart-felt, well-advised effort to save
your marriage.
Obtaining expert, outside help dramatically increases your
chances of saving and even improving your marriage. Such
an investment brings long-term rewards despite the initial
difficulty of facing and dealing with the harm you’ve caused
your spouse. Even if your partner decides not to reconcile,
you can look back knowing you made a concerted effort to
undo the damage, learn valuable lessons, and reduce some of
the fallout from the affair. I call this “The Character-Building
and Possible-Resurrection Option.”

The book lays out the clear 17 actions/behaviours he needs to take (and conversely the 17 he needs to avoid) for there even to be a chance of you getting through this.

It is also useful for you as it will validate your emotions - he cant say what you are feeling or asking is unreasonable as this is the blueprint to for him to meet your needs (they are always the same in these situations - there is no mystery) - then you will know if this is going to work out as you can see if he is is keeping to the prescribed plan. But he also needs to know what he needs to do and then decide if he is able or not.

I do not understand why you have insisted on individual counselling. Why are you not in couples counselling alongside it?
Individual for you is worthwhile to help you through why you're taking so much shit off him.
For him?
Does he even go?
Or just head to the gym / pub / Chinese woman's house?
You're hoping that individual counselling will make him realise he's been an arsehole and do something about it. I don't think it will.
If you were in couples counselling you might at least have a framework in which you could say the things you need to say, without worrying it's manipulative. And also although a counsellor won't take sides, I think if he sat there telling you to just forgive and forget (easy for him, nice for him) the counsellor might ask him to reflect on how he can make that possible for you.

Like - actually buying you a birthday present.

You having sex with him before counselling will not help your self esteem at all. He did not have an affair because you didn't give him enough sex, he did it because he's a selfish man.

Same selfish man that just thinks you should put up and shut up, "forgive and forget".

One day you might forgive - when he has EARNED that, but you'll never forget. And frankly why should you?

I can't actually believe he has the audacity to tell you to get over it - that in itself tells you he's not really that sorry or he'd never say such a thing!

Awful, and if I remember your previous posts, everyone has told you to get rid.

I think it takes a very special person to be able to forgive & forget. I don't have it in me for that scale of betrayal.

Very special person or fool???

Much is made of "forgive and forget", mainly I suspect because it is an easy, glib, fridge magnet sized alliterative phrase. Plus a smattering of Christian heritage.

Why though?

I complete agree with the saying that before you commence on revenge you should dig two graves. And that bitterness will hurt you more than them.

Sometimes, sometimes, forgiveness is a wonderful gift to give.

But as a general rule, for big shit - I think it's fine to neither forgive not forget.

If you took to the sea, found your boat was holed, and you needed rescued, you'd be a fool to embark in the same boat.

Forgiveness as spoken about seems to be for the benefit of the forgiven. I'd suggest I do forgive, and forget in the sense that betrayal fades but only because I would never give such a person the chance to do it twice.

I agree that you can forgive and forget to free yourself of the mental burden but it does not mean that you have to stay in the relationship.

He thinks you should forgive and forget, does he?

That's not for him to say, is it? How DARE he say this to you! This makes out the fallout of his wandering dick is your responsibility - when it isn't, it's HIS responsibility. To make amends, to cherish you, to show full and heartfelt contrition for as long as it takes.

Off topic re pp: I need to keep my children safe, and that involves being able to look at patterns in my husband's behaviour. The only pattern you need to look at to keep your children safe is getting rid of him for good. Abusers don't change - they get worse.

I love cruusshed's point... that forgiving doesn't mean staying.

I also think that forgiveness can be replaced by no longer giving a fuck. You get all the mental relief but you don't have to forgive. My XH was a serial cheat, I left him. I have reached the happy state of "no longer give a fuck". I have no wish for retribution (I've had some great personal and financial revenge opportunities). I don't forgive him. But it no longer makes me angry. Done and dusted.

Some people can forgive (very very very few also forget) but I'd put money down that those who have managed to forgive cheats are not those where the cheater has taken the absolute piss demanding that they do.

Springydaff, don't worry, I did get rid of him for good, straight after the second time he actually hit me (which was in front of the children).

I tried to forgive, and think I am succeeding in doing so. However, I need to help my children understand how it all happened, so that none of us ever get into that situation again, either as abuser or victim. Also, I am aware that my husband is trying to manipulate and upset me through child contact arrangements. I can't 'forget' that he is an abusive man, even though I can look at his own horrible upbringing and try to forgive him as far as I can. I suppose that's what I mean by trying to spot patterns in his behaviour.

Anyway, sorry op. Hope that's vaguely helpful, as well as being almost completely off topic.

I forgave and forgot and 5 years later it happened again, wish I had done it earlier when I was younger but he persuaded me then it was a one off , I was in denial xxx

I definitely agree that you can forgive but still leave him. Only you know for how long you can live with the lack of trust... I think most betrayed partners who choose to stay with a betrayer battle mistrust on some level whenever the betrayer is away from their home. Depends whether you can live with that or not...

He thinks I should forgive and forget
What a surprise.
Of course he does.
He doesn't want to be reminded of the hurt he caused.

I couldn't.
I said I would try again but literally a day or 2 (maybe a bit more no idea though) I decided I couldn't do it.
I would never ever forget the physical pain of my heart breaking.
I would never forget the hurt he inflicted on me
I would never get the picture of him out of my head fucking another woman
I would never again see him in the same light.
I would never again fully trust him.
He would never again be the man who loved ME more than anything else
He would never again be the man who protected me.
He would always be the man who shat on me from a great height and literally broke my heart.

Sorry but for me there was no coming back from that!