Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How common is it for a man to have such a close relationship with his mother?

41 replies

IsDPamummysboy · 05/04/2016 18:44

Hi all. My boyfriend has been very close to his mother since I've known him. He is 25. He is lovely.The only concern I have is that I feel his mum has too much of an influence over his life. Whenever he has to make an important decision he will invariably say something like "I'll see what my mum says". She seems to still see him as her little boy even though he's a fully grown man. He talks to her on the phone every day for at least 20 minutes, sometimes more. Also, he has no siblings. I am wondering if it's common for only children to be this close to their mums? Does she sound like a potential future interfering MIL?

OP posts:

Squeegle · 05/04/2016 18:46

It is supposed to be a good sign if a man gets on well with his mother. It shows he has a healthy respect of females. It is impossible to tell what she's like though from what you've said. If he's lovely, and she's not causing you problems I wouldn't see it as a red flag!

Alohamora · 05/04/2016 18:59

My DS is 21 and he is close to me and his Dad. He phones us regularly and loves all his brothers dearly. He has a girlfriend who has visited us with DS and is very lovely.

TBH it is posts like your yours that make me dread becoming a MIL. So what if my son wants to ring us for a chat? I speak to my Mum everyday too .

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/04/2016 19:01

I would wonder whether he is lovely at all actually.

Your man is actually as much a problem as his mother is. You are right to be concerned and I am wondering if your man could ever stand up for his own self or you if he was to ever disagree with his mother.

He’s just become closer and closer to his mother, never cut his apron strings and never learnt to develop a new, adult, relationship with his mother. He is 25 and still seeks mother's approval. And his mother, instead of putting up boundaries herself, has gone along with it.

This situation will not change; he will always defer to her first and always. He will always look to her for approval. Its not anything to do with him being an only child or even personal to you as such; he would have behaved exactly the same regardless of whom he is with. He has grown up with his mother and regards her behaviours as normal.

What is your own bottom line here?. I would be seriously questioning this whole relationship going forward.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/04/2016 19:06

There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who adores his mum, treats her well, treats her with respect and goes out of his way to help her.

There is also nothing more unattractive to a woman than a man who can’t stand up to his mother, who lets his mum control him, who fears his mother and who puts his mummy first (in front of his girlfriend or wife).

peggyundercrackers · 05/04/2016 19:22

I think it's quite normal for a lot of people to have a relationship like that with their parents. I have quite a few friends, men and woman, who speak to their mothers every day for various reasons. Some of them do it because they aren't in the same country as their family but others are just this close.

FrancisdeSales · 05/04/2016 19:32

I also see a difference. It's one thing to be close to your family, including your mum and talking to them frequently.

The red flag in your post is if he is unable (or won't give himself permission) to make any "important decision" without checking with his mum. This shows he had actually not gained adult independence and is still heavily emotionally dependent on his mother. What would it be like if every major decision you were to make as a couple in the future: where you live, what house you buy, when you have children, how you parent, has to be approved by his mum before you move forward?

Recently I have been reading a lot about how you must have been completely independent in all ways before you get married. Do not get married to a man who has not made the adult transition to emotional independence. Often it is the mum who will not let go and the son must put up some boundaries. If your other half would be beyond horrified and feels anxious about saying "no" to his mum or only calling her once or twice a month, you do not have a grown man on your hands.

If you stay together any time his mum does not get what she wants YOU will be blamed never her Golden Boy.

My husband is not completly dependent but is still very emeshed with his mum and she tried to control him and by extention our family. We are about to start marriage counseling because of these issues. We are happily married but his mum makes life very difficult because she expects him to look after her emotional needs and even material needs. We are 47 and I am realising this has been going on for the 20 years of our marriage! She will not change so it is up to the son to change. If he can't/won't than please steer clear!

My husband struggles because his mum guilt trips him tremendously, if necessary she will cry and scream down the phone at him to make him do what she wants.

RortyCrankle · 05/04/2016 21:34

Having had a boyfriend when I was younger, who was exactly like this, I would seriously consider your relationship with this man-child.

His mother will never accept you being an important part of her son's life and will always see you as competition and a major threat. Your boyfriend is immersed in Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) and your needs and wishes will never be given priority by him over his mother.

You think she sees him as her little boy - yes of course she does (and he is to a certain extent) and that will never change unless he finds the courage to behave as an adult and put himself and you first.

Mine never did even though he was in his thirties and I was blamed by his mother for every single thing he did of which she disapproved, from drinking alcohol to him growing a beard (which I actually disliked but his choice) ad infinitum.

Good luck OP, I really wish you well.

Bree85 · 05/04/2016 21:42

There are pros and cons to that situation. Decisions in your relationships should not be based on his mum's decision. If he is doing that, then its a red flag. But if he can decide his own about your relationship, then its not a problem. Being close to his mum is actually cute.

AyeAmarok · 05/04/2016 22:05

I'm mid thirties and I would still say "I'll ask my mum" for any big decisions!

SugarDiabetes · 05/04/2016 22:09

I'm 45 and thinking of applying for a new job. Who did I talk to? Mum, of course! Even though she's in her 70s and has never worked in my field!

stitch10yearson · 05/04/2016 22:09

tbh, it sounds to me as if the problem is you. They have a relationship that works whilst you seem to be interested in sabotaging it.
There is nothing wrong with gaining the opinion of someone you trust before making any decisions. And as for speaking to her for 20 minutes a day? Surely that is a positive thing, he is making time for important people and relationships in his life, he is taking responsibility for the important people in his life.

Notgivingin789 · 05/04/2016 22:10

It's one thing for a son to be close to his mother, but another thing where the son allows the mother to dictate his life!

I think that's how you should look at it. Do you feel that your husband is allowing his mother to- in some way- dictate both your lives? Decisions? Does it all come down to what the mother thinks? Whereas it should be about you two?

These are the sort of questions you need to be asking yourself.

228agreenend · 05/04/2016 22:22

Is he is aware how much his mother is involved in his life? Maybe it's a habit he's fallen into. What happens if he doesn't phone his mum? Maybe if you want a long term future with him you will have to start weaning him off his mum.

Maybe plan a holiday away (even if you don't actually go away) and see if he is capable of deciding where to go without his mum. If he turns to his mum, then be forceful and say the decesion as to where to,go is for you and him, and not mum, as mum is not actually going on the holiday. Maybe doing something like this will show how much mum is part of his life, and how influence she has.

DrMorbius · 05/04/2016 22:24

One of the biggest roles of a parent is to prepare their DC's for the next stage in life (whatever the next stage is). Walking, talking and eventually decision making and standing on their own two feet. The fact that your BF talks to his DM for 20 minutes a day is irrelevant. The fact that he needs his Mummy to help him make decisions at 25 speaks volumes about, him, his mother and their relationship.

Itisbetternow · 05/04/2016 22:56

I'm sure many women speak to their mothers before they make decisions. Often it isn't because you can't make a decision but because you want a different opinion. I don't see anything wiring with an adult son talking to his mother daily or asking for her opinion. Would you prefer it if it was his dad? I have two sons. I hope my sons want to talk to me regularly and still talk to me as though I have a brain.

FrancisdeSales · 06/04/2016 00:27

Having an opinion is different than not bring able to make a decision without the input from mum. Also once you are in a serious relationship/marriage your mum's opinion should not take precedent over your spouse/significant other.

suprepop · 06/04/2016 00:48

I've seen worse.

I used to have a friend who was married but used the royal "we" in reference to his mother's and his own joint opinion. He used to say of his wife, when she got into debt by accident, "We are very disappointed in her." Other examples: "We don't like her baked cod." "We would prefer she listened to Debussy, but we can tolerate Brahms." "She wants to go to the Tate for her birthday but we would prefer the Imperial War Museum."

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/04/2016 01:02

Does she sound like a potential future interfering MIL?
I don't know OP. How long have you been together? Do you live with each other? Are you planning to get married?

Some people are closer to their mothers than others. They talk to them everyday and discuss things with them. There is nothing with this.

MunchieCrunchie · 06/04/2016 01:17

it sounds to me as if the problem is you
^
This

🙉

RiceCrispieTreats · 06/04/2016 06:54

I would run a mile. If he can't make decisions without her, he is not a fully functional and independent adult. Ergo, not a person that you can enter into a partnership with.

curren · 06/04/2016 07:16

It totally depends.

What is he asking her? If it's if you should go out to dinner, it's a bit concerning.

If, for example, you are planning on moving in together or planning on mixing your finances and he is seeking her advice, I can't see the issue.

My dad sat me down when I was planning on moving dh into my house. I didn't ask for advice. But he explained all the ways it could fuck up. I was in love and didn't think it through. But he was right and I got some legal protection. We are now married and still together. So t didn't go tits up, but I am half spoke to me.

His mother may be the person he goes to for advice when he needs it. I can't see anything wrong with that. Older people have more experience. I don't get why people aren't allowed to seek advice from their mothers once they get to a certain age.

The phone call thing is a complete non issue. I really don't get why him speaking to his mum everyday for a whole twenty minutes is a problem.

If you have a problem with a person speaking to their mother everyday, then that's your issue. Your choices are to accept he is close to his mother or end the relationship, if you want someone who has minimal contact with their mother.

curren · 06/04/2016 07:22

How long have you been together?

HermioneJeanGranger · 06/04/2016 07:33

I speak to my mum most days and would go to her for advice on big life decisions (moving, applying for a new job, big purchases etc.) I don't see the problem - she has much more experience than me!

RiceCrispieTreats · 06/04/2016 07:54

I think a good litmus test is : who does he turn to, to help him arrive at big decisions? Ideally it would be first himself, then his partner, then anyone else with acknowledged wisdom and experience.

There's nothing wrong with being close to a parent, but a person who places their parent above their partner as a confidant, has no business having a partner.

We leave our families of origin to create new families of our own. People who drag their parents into their marriages as the same kind of arbiters that they were when they were growing up, are not in a position to form a partnership with anyone and are in effect conning their partners/spouses.

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle · 06/04/2016 08:03

There's not enough detail in your post to give a considered opinion on OP. What's your own relationship with your parents like? How long have you been with him? What kind of things is he discussing with his mother?

Flip

1 2