How common is it for a man to have such a close relationship with his mother?

[IsDPamummysboy]

Hi all. My boyfriend has been very close to his mother since I've known him. He is 25. He is lovely.The only concern I have is that I feel his mum has too much of an influence over his life. Whenever he has to make an important decision he will invariably say something like "I'll see what my mum says". She seems to still see him as her little boy even though he's a fully grown man. He talks to her on the phone every day for at least 20 minutes, sometimes more. Also, he has no siblings. I am wondering if it's common for only children to be this close to their mums? Does she sound like a potential future interfering MIL?

And a PP asked an interesting question. How would you feel if it were his dad?

the only thing i would say is slightly concerning is "she seems to see him as a little boy" and he doesn't make decisions without her help try it out next time he says i will ask mom see what she thinks say something like well what do you think?

sometimes we only ask other people because we want validation for our choices not because they are actually making the decision for us

I don't see a problem from what you have said. He's close to him mum, he talks things through with her. So what? 25 is still quite young, though I am assuming he no longer lives at home.

I would worry if he deferred to her opinion all the time, rather than taking on board what she says but ultimately making his own decisions.

What's your relationship like with her?

Ideally it would be first himself, then his partner, then anyone else with acknowledged wisdom and experience.

That depends on how long he has been with his partner though surely? And how serious the relationship is.

How close are you to your own parents, OP?

Hi, I think what many others have said - a male who cares and gets on with his mother is fabulous, well rounded and caring. Phoning, enjoying company, looking after/out for etc - great.
However, watch out on the decision making thing. I had a previous bf whose mother knew EVERYTHING (everything ) and he always deferred to her. Any arrangements, holidays, outings - all past her first. He was in his twenties. And it ain't right. Even down to buying new clothes "I'll ask her what type I got the last time". "I don't know whether I like them. I'll ask her". She would have conversations with me to talk about what he thought about stuff "he thinks this idea about x...." When I first met him, that he was close to her was sweet but if you're questionning it, then it might be the start of frustration. In this situation, it didn't take me too long to work out that our bf/gf relationship had no privacy.
Now I'm married to fab DH, he gets on well with his parents, will discuss ideas and opinions but the difference is ultimately we make the decisions and we lead our lives together - and it's not every single detail shared...
As a mother to two DS I kind of got what a previous poster said about the relationship with her son, I want my boys to become decent human beings in happy relationships, including maintaining a relationship and doing stuff with us as a family but I think it's about boundaries. Discussion about a situation at work, thinking about a house/holiday/dog, going to an event together...etc etc all healthy I think. Ime, shall I buy these trousers/pants/socks, what shall we do about x, when should we go on holiday, where do you think we should rent, what do you think about that she likes...is all too permissive, tied to the apron strings and a massive red flag. Also like a previous poster said, how she talks to you is a clue. Good luck OP.

I think Perdy has it right. To be fair, if any of my DS's were that needy, I'd be pushing them out of the nest myself - for the sake of my own sanity.

Usual sexism here. It's fine for a woman to be close to her mum and as an adult have a close friendship with her where life decisions are discussed as a matter of course.... But if it's a man he must be a 'mummy's boy' etc

Not intending to be sexist at all monochromecat, lots of other threads on these forums demonstrate how support in life decisions and day to day stuff from either parent or wider family/friends can be a good thing but like I said previously, imo it's about boundaries and the integrity of those decisions. For me conversations that went "me + parent think we (meaning you and me in relationship) ought to be/should do x" is different to "parent thinks this about what we were talking about". Granted, it's subtle but the impact is big. Never mind when those conversations take place when not yet discussed with your P! Am sure lots of folk are close to their parents without issues.

Completely sexist looking at the original post. Imagine if a man came in here complaining that his wife was too close to her mum and discussed important things with her. I'm sure he would be considered controlling...

OP has not replied but if you are still reading, it is important to observe if his mum would accept your individual decisions and decisions made as a couple respectfully. If you are questioning this, trust your instincts. I don't believe in if he treats his mum well, that is a good indicator. Some men are complete doormats to their mum and their lack of boundaries can affect your relationship.

Atilla's post nails it.

There is a line that is not right, and that seems the case here.

I also think female can be emeshed with a parent too and it is just as undermining and damaging to a marriage. It's about the power of leadership and decision making in the marriage which should be shared between the couple. It gives a third party way too much power and influence in the marriage which is toxic.

There is a big difference between being close to your parent and talking alot versus emeshment and codependence which sees a grown child's independence as a negative trait and their spouse/SO as a threat.

There is a line that is not right, and that seems the case here.

Since the OP hasn't come back and given much infor. It's impossible to say the line has been crossed.

Perhaps he is concerned about moving in with op and the legal side. So asking someone older with life experience. He may not be asking what colour socks to wear, or should he buy this jacket.

The talking on the phone is ridiculous. Why should man feel he can't talk to his mother everyday without being labelled a mummy's boy.

I talk to my mum everyday. I am also very independent. Dbro doesn't talk to her everyday, yet is very dependent on her despite being married and having kids of his own. His wife is dependent on mum too so she doesn't mind.

Talking to someone every day it's a definitive of wether the relationship is healthy or not.

Op I'm with Attila and Rice here. A man can be too close to his mother and the fact your senses feel something probably mean there is good reason to query it. My now exdh was welded to his mum. It took a long time for me to realise he and his mum were the 'husband and wife' team and I was the addition! It was very unhealthy. Very, very unhealthy. I came 2nd in everything. Eventually our marriage cracked under the strain and then he admitted his mother was 'the only woman I've ever really loved'!!! Listen to what your senses are telling you.

See this is where it's confusing, everyone acknowledges a need to have respect for women in a partner and the first and for a long time that is the persons mum. But then when another woman (the partner) comes into a mans life, many seem to want the man to bin off his mother (who he deeply respects) which is ultimately disrespectful to her. Of course there needs to be a transition but that depends on the length of the relationship or seriousness of it. Imagine getting binned off because your son is in a 1-3 month relationship.

I also agree it is pretty sexist that women are encouraged to have a strong bond with their mothers and parents in general, but for men he becomes a mummy's boy, to the extent anytime a female poster comes on with an issue its largely met with asking the parents, but men have to detach when they have an issue