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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband of 22 years no longer loves me

28 replies

Heartbroken47 · 04/04/2016 22:05

Just before Christmas he said he has no feelings for me except as a friend (with benefits I might add).

He insists there is no one else. He had a breakdown and is seeing a therapist. He wants o try couples counselling after but can't promise the outcome.

He says we have nothing in common (except 27 yrs and two dc!) and that we've grown apart.

Before the breakdown he was declaring his undying love for me - now he says he was confused.

Is there any hope - can you fall back in love with someone you've stopped loving?

I am devastated :-(

OP posts:

pumpkinmoon1 · 04/04/2016 22:33

Sorry you are going through this. I think your best bet is to do a complete 180. I found out about this on another site. So you stop. Stop doing anything for him. Don't let him see you upset, don't beg. Just tell him that you accept what he has told you and that you need to get your own life back on track. Go our with friends. I know you will be dying in the inside but this might be the only way that he will pull his head out of his arse. If you can, read up on the 180 xx

HeddaGarbled · 04/04/2016 23:01

Also, stop having sex with him.

ChristinaParsons · 04/04/2016 23:07

It's so true. And so hard to do. Am thinking mid life crisis. It's not you, it's him

TendonQueen · 04/04/2016 23:37

Absolutely - do not have sex with him. He's being unfair to expect anything of you. I would say you want to spend some time living separately and go to couples' counselling on that basis, rather than him just getting continued provision of home comforts while he's flapping about.

Heartbroken4 · 04/04/2016 23:57

My estranged Husband of almost 15 years said this. There was someone else but I had a hell-ish two months trying to make things better before I found out.

EllenJanethickerknickers · 05/04/2016 00:00

My exH also said this after 22 years together and 3 DC. And after 3 weeks of feeling I'd failed at my marriage I found out there was another woman. There may not be in your case, of course, but he does seem to be following the same script.

HappyJanuary · 05/04/2016 00:05

I had the same thing after 25yrs. Spent six months trying so hard to put things right while he promised there wasn't another woman, but of course there was.

In many ways it doesn't matter whether there's an ow or not, the advice you've already received is spot on.

It was only when stbxh realised I wasn't going to wait around pathetically waiting for him to stop navel gazing that he realised what he stood to lose.

Too little too late as far as I was concerned, but you might be more forgiving than me.

HeddaGarbled · 05/04/2016 00:18

midlifeclub.com/midlife-for-dummies.htm

Original poster

Heartbroken47 · 05/04/2016 07:32

Thank you so much for all the advice - of course you are advising the completely opposite approach to the one I am taking - trying to become the perfect wife (more housework, more sex - you know the score).
I fear that if I withhold everything I am making it easy for him to walk away and blame me.
I should also explain that our dc are adult but both at home. Son has significant LD and daughter has aspergers. I told him recently that it if it doesn't work out I will be the one leaving. I dint see why I should be the one saddled with responsibility while he swans back to a batchelor life. We both work full time, though he is about to take redundancy.
I will read up on 180 and the mid life club page you sent is scarily accurate. I almost want to ask him to read it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/04/2016 07:50

Also have a read about the "pick me dance"

What you are doing will only erode his respect for you. If you really want to keep him (why ??) then do you want it to be out of pity and obligation ?

Also, if he doesn't have OW yet...if you demean yourself enough his sense of entitlement will only increase and off he goes.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/04/2016 08:03

I'd make him go - or leave if that's your preference, don't hang around waiting for what he wants. Let him see the reality of being alone - don't keep doing the pick me dance, it never works

Mamia15 · 05/04/2016 08:11

Another one saying there is probably an OW. Your only chance of saving the marriage without demeaning yourself is loss, so stop doing the pick me dance.

Start detaching and tell him that you would like to talk about separating, about 50:50 care of the DC and spilting the finances etc.

If he does walk away then at least you know that you haven't wasted months of uncertainty and putting in so much extra effort into the marriage while he does fuck all. You will feel so much worse then.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/04/2016 09:15

he said he has no feelings for me except as a friend
And you are still having sex with him?!!
Please please pick your dignity up off of the floor.
Stop letting him stomp all over it.
He's in a win/win and you are in a lose/lose.
It's that simple.
Stop it and stop it right now.
I would tell him that I'd thought about it and, as he doesn't love you anymore anything you had will now stop.
No more sex.
no more cleaning up after him.
No more cooking.
No more cleaning.
No more washing
No more ironing.
If there is a spare room tell him you want him in it until YOU decide what YOU want!! It's not up to him now.
He's made his position very clear.
He doesn't love you and he certainly doesn't respect you.
I'll say it as well. STOP DOING THE 'PICK ME' DANCE.
All it will do is crush your self esteem even further that it is now thanks to him, except you will be doing it to yourself.
DON'T!

MissBianca · 05/04/2016 10:48

There will be an OW.

I totally agree with the advice here. I ignored it initially. It was only when I chucked DH out and he saw the reality of life as it was going to be that he realised what a dick he'd been.

Then it was up to me to decide what to do.

It's really horrible. 💐

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/04/2016 11:11

Can't add any fresh advice to what's been given. I think his mention of couples' counselling is stalling for time so you don't eject him from home comforts. The redundancy package might be his escape fund. Before dropping his bombshell did he talk about his plans after leaving that job?

Has he asked you yet to keep this quiet between you two, so that wider family and shared friends don't know?

If you are still having sex then he is being unfair. Either he wants the full package in which case reciprocating affection and respecting you is high on his list of priorities or he wants out in which case he doesn't continue intimacy.

rattata · 05/04/2016 11:36

If your husband has had a breakdown- has he also seen a GP to get medication and is he depressed? IME depression can manifest itself in many different ways. Not everyone is exhausted and quiet. I know many people who can appear perfectly ok with friends and acquaintances but act in very strange ways and believe strange things when with their OH, including getting the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. There may be an OW in the picture but not neccesarily so.

If your DH is depressed then couples counselling is not a great idea until he is well. Unless the counsellor is expert in dealing depression they will usually take the view that both parties are equally responsible for the breakdown of the relationship - which is simply untrue. You need to look to your own well being - and mentally try to detach from your DH. Encourage him to see a doctor but he needs to want to get better himself. Look after yourself and any DC - doing the "pick me dance" and trying to anticipate his every need will not work whether there is an OW and/or a breakdown in the mix. You may find the books on coping with a depressed partner by Anne Sheffield or the associated Depression Fallout messageboard useful if you think that depression could be the reason behind your DH's behaviour.

cosytoaster · 05/04/2016 11:50

Blimey Hedda that link is spot on!

honeyroar · 05/04/2016 12:01

I think that the depression/breakdown is important here too. My mum had a mental illness/breakdown when I was younger and really wasn't herself for six months. She wasn't a nice person to be around, but returned to her nice self when better.

I'm the first to say don't put up with crap usually, but mental illness is different.

VeryFoolishFay · 05/04/2016 12:50

My DH went through a similar period about 3 years ago; he did have serious depression but also behaved like an arse. We separated for 6 months, I followed the 180 route on the basis that whatever the outcome I would need to have a new different sort of life. We have reconciled but it's been a long road.

I went down the 'trying to be a better wife' route first, I think it's instinctive initially. I wish I could go back and kick myself for being so weedy! It certainly wasn't appreciated in the way I assumed it would be. Genuinely detaching yourself will make you feel much better. Hope it works out for you, however that may be.

SeaCabbage · 05/04/2016 16:16

Brilliant idea about saying that it would be you who leaves. Might make it seem more real to him. It would enable you to start a fresh new life much more easily.

What was your life like up until recently? I mean, did you spend much time together? Did you get on well?

Usually with these things, it turns out that the H has been a selfish git for ages and not very pleasant to live with when the DW thinks about it.

Disappointednomore · 05/04/2016 17:11

Heartbroken - I came on here 5 months ago with the same thing - all the advice you will receive is fantastic - I was told and will recommend and reiterate the following:

Do not do the pick me dance
There is probably another woman (I don't even know this for sure about my STBXH but it looks likely)
See a solicitor asap so that you know what your rights are
Put yourself first and start taking steps to a more independent life.

Good luck - I know it's really hard

StillAwakeAndItIsLate · 05/04/2016 17:56

There's usually an OW. Largely because walking out on a marriage and leaving behind children is a huge thing. The guilt most people feel is overwhelming.

Even in an unhappy marriage, people will try to keep their head down and just get on with it for the sake of the children.

There has to be something more appealing than an empty bedsit and microwave meals for one to tempt someone away.

Sorry, but you need to face that this is the likely outcome.

Yipeekayee72 · 05/04/2016 18:04

There may be but don't dismiss Rattata advice as it is excellent.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 05/04/2016 18:24

If I were you I'd move out.

Don't give him the opportunity to ditch his responsibilities re the 'children' and swan off with the OW (I'll eat my socks if there don't one). You are right, why should you be left with the responsibility?!

When I say 'if I were you I'd move out' that's with the hindsight of having done the (humiliating) 'Pick Me Dance' & more than an embarrassing amount of pleading, promising to change etc. I GET the instinct to 'be the best wife & sex bunny' you can be, but honestly, it doesn't work and you'll hate that you did it.

Be strong. Move out before he does.

springydaffs · 05/04/2016 20:00

I'd move quickly iiwy. I mean literally move out quickly. You can 'help out' from a distance.

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